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02/20/2009 10:49 AM

My husband is being physically abusive

daciam
Posts: 7
Member

Hello, I have been married for 6 months now. I am 22 and he is 25. We were together for 2 years before our wedding. I knew he had bipolar 4 months after dating. I didn't think anything about it. At the time he wasn't mean to me and he wasn't physically abusive or anything until we moved into our house just before the wedding. His mother and grandparents are all bipolar. It's really hard and I am really scared. My mother was married 5 different times, 1 to my father who treated her with respect and the other 4 were alcoholics and crazy. i think that my relationship with my husband is what it is because i chose to marry into another crazy relationship like my mother. My husband has chocked me, punched me, slapped me and pushed me. He throws that when he gets in his maniac mood. I really just don't know what to do. My mother sort of likes him but I could never tell her what really goes on. The only person who knows is my mother in law, I told her just before the wedding. She also has bipolar and I think one day she will slip up and tell him that she knows. I don't know what to do. My friends don't ever call me back and I have no one to talk to. My husband's father is a police officer and I haven't told him what my husband John does to me. He knows that he yells and blames problems on me when he's upset, but he hasn't seen the physical abuse. I don't want my husband to be taken away, because that will only do the worst for his career. What should I do? Is anyone going through this as well. I cry all the time and wonder what my life would be like if i didn't marry him. I do love him though.
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02/20/2009 11:15 AM
JennyT

Bipolar disorder is no excuse for domestic violence. If you don't feel comfortable ratting him out to the proper authorities, you still need to get out of that situation. Something is obviously very wrong, and it would be best for your husband to seek further psychiatric help, but in the meantime, you need to make sure you're in a safe situation.

02/20/2009 11:27 AM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

daciam ,

First of all you need to care care of you first . If someone is being violent towards you you should seek out help . Either a shelter or a friend's place anywhere you are safe. also too understand no everyone wiuth bipolar disorder is violent maniac states . I hope that you seek counseling for yourrself

Post edited by: grafxbydiane, at: 02/20/2009 11:27


02/20/2009 11:40 AM
countrymouse
countrymouse  
Posts: 5693
VIP Member

Please get help now.. bipolar disorder is no excuse for physical or any type of abuse. If you feel like you cant talk to anyone, friend or family, then look into local shelters for domestic violence. They can help. You cant worry about his career right now, you have to take care of you.

02/20/2009 12:05 PM
bejeweled
bejeweled  
Posts: 1374
Senior Member

There comes a point where there just isn't an excuse. Ongoing violence in any household is what it is, abuse. My g/f has gotten violent during psychotic episodes. It is not her, she is not really "there" nor is there any ryhme or reason to what she is saying. But in a manic state she has never done anything violent.

Regardless, being miserable and crying all the time is no way to live. The others in here are telling the truth. Get out. Call the task force for battered women and they can hide you out. I did this when I was 17 and married to a man who liked to beat me senseless. I never regretted it or looked back. I did it for my daughter who was a month old at the time. I didn't want her to think that this was the way life was supposed to be. Life is too short to live in fear.


02/20/2009 12:57 PM
Ele
Posts: 2030
Senior Member

Daciam, I am sorry you are going through this. The safest thing for you to do is leave him. You have only been married for 6 months. You are still in the honeymoon phase. His behavior is likely to get worse not better. Please take care of yourself. Don't tell him you are going to leave, just do it. After you have left him if he comes after you then start legal proceedings.

Post edited by: Ele, at: 02/20/2009 14:26


02/20/2009 01:28 PM
taurus
taurusPosts: 2893
Senior Member

Everyone is right. I know you are terrified right now but you have to leave. You love the man you thought he was. Well he's not that man. And screw his career there are consequences for abuse. Maybe he'll even get help. Maybe he will open his eyes. And maybe nothing will change. You are not a punching bag. You have to be brave. If you can't do this than do it for your future children. Do you want to bring children into this lifestyle. You aren't living you're surviving or just existing. Thats no way to be. Remember what life was like before you me, don't you want that back.

02/20/2009 02:00 PM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Whistling Get out of the situation Pronto!!!

You realize why you chose him. A lot of women don't in abusive situations, you are a smart gal. Smile

Get in touch with the Abuse Support Group in your area.

Please get help asap.

http://www.baddteddy.com/abuse/abuse_shelters_kansas.html

We care what happens, so let us know how you are doing.Cheerful

Post edited by: norma, at: 02/20/2009 14:06


02/20/2009 03:23 PM
red1965
red1965  
Posts: 5627
VIP Member

Daciam, please get to a safe place away from the relationship. Once you are safe and can think clearly about things evaluate the relationship. I would like to suggest getting abuse counciling. NO ONE should never ever endure abuse.

<

We are here for ya!

GOD BLESS

RED


02/20/2009 03:24 PM
Ubermensch

I know a little bit about abuse given I grew up in a terribly violent household. It was my responsibility to stop the cycle that went on for generations before me. The cycle stopped with me, but it took years of therapy. Your immediate concern is to deal with your husband abusing you. Your next concern is to deal with you past in therapy.

My sister is in the exact same situation you are in. This is what I told her.

You know you must leave the situation but you obviously don't know how or you would the first time he laid his hands on you. I've run into too many women in my life who have been in abusive relationships and have never left; they never act to protect themselves, and my mother was one of them.

Since you are used to observing and living with this kind of relationships because of your childhood, you have normalized the very bad abusive behaviors of your husband to some degree, though you still know that what he has done and what he is doing is wrong, and you don't like it, but you don't know what to do. This is not an uncommon response. Everybody here says seek help. But I'm sure you know you need help and you probably know you need to get out, but you are stuck in a quandary, one where you love a man who abuses you, and I'm sure he has his "good" side. It's not easy to act to leave. If you are going to leave, you are going to have to develop new ways of responding. You have said that you've told few people about the abuse and a way to respond differently is to tell others what you are experience, like you are doing here, but you have to tell real live people, not just cyberfriends; these people who you might tell could be friends, therapists, your church, a counselor at a women's shelter. Unfortunately, you've been isolated from others. You've isolated yourself from others by keeping your husband's bad behavior a secret. Secrecy and shame go hand in hand. A lot of women in your situation feel a lot of shame and humiliation for putting themselves in the situation they often unknowingly get into, and then they feel shame and humiliation because the battering makes them feel like a real piece of shit. Not only that: a lot of women feel these feelings because they let the abuse continue. So you've been weakened, sad and depressed, and it makes you cry, and for good reason. You have to empower yourself. You have to take back your power.

You also stated that you are identifying with your abuser and don't want him to go to jail because of his career. You don't want to hurt him, though he hurts you. He is a victimizer and you are the victim. He should have to take responsibility for his actions. Bipolar is no excuse for abusing another. You might even feel that the abuse is your fault, but it is not. There is no excuse for another human being hurting another, sick or not, no matter what you have done.

You have to learn to care more about yourself than your husband. Your life is more important than his and there are real consequences for people who abuse other people. He should go to jail, but if you fear that's too much then you need to leave him; at least for the time being, if not for good. You should report him to the police, at least his father, who you said was a policeman, but more likely than not his father will not help you. You must seek help elsewhere. You can ask for help from mental health professionals, a lawyer, clergy, battered wives shelters and the police. You can go to stay at a friends or family member's house. Get away from the situation. Those are your options. Your friends and family can only support you to do what is right for yourself, and even then sometimes they enable you to do the wrong thing, like you are enabling your husband's behavior by allowing it, by not acting--and that is where the shame comes in for many women. Bottom line is that some women tell the police, but that doesn't solve the problem. Your best bet is to file for separation and get the hell out. Then get a restraining order on him to protect your self from further harm. He will promise you this and that, as I'm sure he's promised that he will never do it again. But if he is a person with bipolar who gets violent and he doesn't seek treatment (and that takes a long time) then nothing will change. I seriously doubt anything will change anytime soon. So don't hold your hopes out. Take care of yourself.

If your husband has bipolar, he is far from being well--many years away. The way it sounds he hasn't even acknowledged he has a problem. Sometimes it takes losing things for people with bipolar to seek the help they need. But, for now, you should seek the help you need. Protect yourself. Stop the pattern of violence before you get pregnant and then you raise a child in an environment like the one you were raised in. Stop the cycle. That is your duty to yourself and your future children.

I've been on the phone with my crying sister. Over and over her husband batters her and once she left him. I gave her the money to do it. Then a year later she got back with him after promises, but he is back to battering her, and she doesn't know how to act, though I've offered her the money to leave and all the support I can give. She has a one year old baby. What kind of legacy to leave a child is that? But it is hard to leave, especially when you've never healed from a childhood of abuse. My sister is like you. But the question is: what are you going to do? You have the power. You have to act.

my best,

uber

Post edited by: Ubermensch, at: 02/20/2009 15:34

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