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05/21/2012 12:00 PM

I'm having a hard time healing. Advice please?

Amity
Amity  
Posts: 6
Member

I'm very new to this group, so please bear with me.

I've lived with mental illness for over 20 years & thought I was dealing with issues to the best of my ability. However, in regards to a certain event that happened in my life is keeping me from living my life to it's fullest.

Four years ago, I tragically lost my best friend to murder. She was 8 months pregnant at the time of her death and her unborn daughter did not survive either. The last time I saw her (Olivia), was at her baby shower two days before she was shot by her boyfriend (who only received 24 years for two counts of murder).

This was the second time he attempted to take her life. Not only two weeks before she died, he planted 2 pipe bombs in her basement which blew part of her house to pieces. Luckily, her & her sister were able to make it out alive. She wasn't so lucky on that terrible day of Jan.22.2008.

I know this all sounds like something you would see in a movie or read about in a True Crime book, but sadly this is reality to me.

It's been over four years, and I am a completely different person. Not only did I lose my best friend, but I also lived through domestic and verbal abuse from my husband (now ex-husband) for two years following Olivia's death.

As one may assume, my trust issues have been at an all time high as I am to afraid to allow myself to become to close with anyone out of fear that I may lose them. This is not a good quality as I feel alone & want a good friendship again & want to trust someone enough to be in a relationship but my heart simply won't allow it.

They're so many more thoughts & feelings (as well as events) that go along with my dilema (spelling?), but since I'm not 100% sure how being in a group like this works, I'm going to end this post at this time. However, I'm more then willing to speak out or answer any questions one may have.

I guess my question is, can someone ever move on after something like this happens to them? Any and all advice is welcomed with open arms.

Thank you for your time in reading my post & I do hope for a proper reply. Again, thank you.

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05/21/2012 12:28 PM
theGreyCatt
theGreyCattPosts: 293
Member

Welcome to the group. And I'm incredibly sorry (can't even find a good word for it) to hear about the tremendous losses and pain you've been through.

First off, I can't believe you're even able to function when you're dealing with this on top of a mood disorder. If I lose a job I go off the deep end and fall into some sort of depressive or agitated state that affects everything important in my life.

Secondly, I think anyone who has had those things happen would be carrying around an immense weight of mourning and devastation.

The stereotypical answer (albeit true) is to find a psychiatrist to balance meds (if you don't already have one), and a highly skilled therapist that can work on trauma and post traumatic stress disorder, etc.

But beyond that, it sounds like you may not have people close to you that you can share your feelings with, at least to the depth that they exist. I'm just guessing because you turned to this board. I don't have any close friends at this point, so I'm not judging. Just trying to figure out your situation more. It's really helpful to come on here and it seems like people are really understanding. Sometimes it takes longer than other times for people to reply depending on time of day, etc. I feel bad because I haven't responded as much as I should have. But that's a different topic.

So, anyway, maybe a good start is to just put things out on this board that maybe people can give good input on, and to research on finding a good therapist. I have fired 5 therapists so far or something because they are unable to be helpful with deeper issues, since they're used to dealing with regular week-to-week issues that "normal" people have, lol. And it's not like I'm impossible, I had one for 4 years that was great, and have been with my psychiatrist for over ten years. Anyway...

<hugs>


05/21/2012 12:32 PM
theGreyCatt
theGreyCattPosts: 293
Member

Sorry, just read your profile and you're already on meds and stuff, but I hope some of that is still helpful, maybe not. But at least you know we care! heh cheezy

05/21/2012 12:38 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16712
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

You have been through so much. My gosh, that's awful about your friend. Your relationship too. You should not have to live with abuse. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend and her baby. It's so sad how someone could do that to another person. It's very understandable about you not being able to trust anyone. I would have a really hard time also. From the abuse and from losing someone close to you. I think that you should talk to a therapist and work this out with her. I don't know if you have one already or not. You don't seem to have many people to talk to. I'm glad you joined this site. It's great for support. You can learn to trust people again, it just takes time and talking things through with a professional. You have enough on your plate with bipolar and dealing with all these feelings inside must be very hard. This is a great place to let those feelings out. Vent, ask questions, share your stories. We will be here to support you. Welcome to the group!

05/21/2012 12:44 PM
centerseeker
centerseeker  
Posts: 2851
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Welcome. I am so glad you found us. I can't even pretend to begin to understand your pain but if talking about it helps we are all good listeners.

Do you see a therapist? I think working all this out would be very beneficial to you. I understand why you would be hesitant to trust again and a therapist might help you be able to regain that trust.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


05/21/2012 12:48 PM
Amity
Amity  
Posts: 6
Member

Thank you kindly for such a quick response! I've seen dozens of shrinks over the years (starting at the age of 10), & I've been on medications for over 20 years. For the past two years though, I think they've finally found the correct combination so I can at least function and not be in a "zombie" state.

I do have a few friends that have been there for me, but the trust issues I hold inside myself will not allow anyone to close. Trust me, I've tried. I thought I found that friend & she's moved away, leaving me alone once again.

I have that desire to want closeness, but my soul just won't allow it. When Olivia was ripped from my life the way she was, she took apart of my soul that I will never get back. And to top things off, I had no (truly none) support after she passed as I moved away not only a month later with my abusive husband (ex husband). I was lucky enough to get away from that & move back a year later. However, I wasn't the same person at all.

I guess maybe I'm trying to seek an answer to a question that has no answer, but living like this sucks & I just want to feel that spark of hope again... I just don't know how.


05/21/2012 12:54 PM
Amity
Amity  
Posts: 6
Member

I just want to say I am pleased with the support I've received from the group so far. Thank you so much for listening.

05/21/2012 05:23 PM
GracieLF
GracieLFPosts: 62
Member

Amity, I am so sorry for the devastating experiences you have had to endure. I, too, had someone close to me torn away by murder. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my uncle and mourn for him. I found treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to be the most helpful in dealing with the issues of fear, despair, and lack of trust in my life. With therapy, medication, and time I have been able to remember the good times without being completely overwhelmed by the trauma of the loss. Though the pain will never entirely go away, know that there is hope for the future. I hope this helps, even a little bit. Welcome to the group. I wish you well.
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