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05/20/2012 02:23 PM

Day 5 of depression - getting worse

mrlmonroe1
mrlmonroe1Posts: 106
Member

Hi to the forum - I'm so glad I found you. I can't talk to anyone who will understand what I am going through, and that won't offer me some advice that does me little to no good.

I have been spiralling down for days now. My pdoc changed my meds - all of them - as I was manic too long. Increased LIthium, decreased wellbutrin, discontinued abilify and added olanzapine - all in one swoop. Days later, I started to go down. Now I am in the worst head space I've been in for a while. I did the forbidden and adjusted my meds, just back to where they were.....I prefer manic over this. But it hasn't changed yet.

My husband and I are having the worst arguments through this. He doesn't know how to back off...says unhelpful (is that a word?) things like "you weren't like this before you started taking all these meds" and "you should go to the hospital."Other things that I can't remember now. I just want him to stay away from me, but he can't - because he has to try to fix me, even though I am ravelling out of control every time he comes near me. If I could just twinkle my nose, I would take myself right out of here, and be alone. Alone is easier than this.

I went off to gamble (which I never do) when feeling bad, just so that I could feel worse. Can anyone relate? Anyway, the universe threw me a win and I walked out as soon as I won it (rather than lose it). Then I went to my favourite store that sells everything with bling (everything I own has something that blings on it - I think it's my manic side) and I have been admiring my new purchase for days. It's the only thing that makes me feel good. I don't feel like doing the unthinkable or anything. I don't even want to go to a hospital or anything. I just feel like over time, my meds will adjust again. I can't go to see pdoc as she has TOO MANY patients and NEVER sees me in a crisis. It's the emergency ward or nothing.

I guess that's all. Just needed to get somewhere to vent my frustration at what my life looks like right now. I hate being bipolar - I really do. I can't say I'm accepting it, that would be a lie. I just hate it beyond words.

I hope whoever reads this message is doing better than me.

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05/20/2012 02:45 PM
soy70
soy70  
Posts: 1811
Senior Member

Sorry you're feeling so low. That often happens after a manic episode, med change or not. But I really don't know if that's the case here, it could be the med change. Depression is the worst, although it may do less damage in the long run to your life overall. But yeah, bipolar really sucks I agree.

I can understand what you're doing re your meds but I won't give an opinion either way.

Again, I'm sorry about the depression and I'm glad you vented here. That's what we're here for and we are here for you as you go through this. Post everyday, even if you're feeling the same. It may help.

Take care,

Soy

Post edited by: soy70, at: 05/20/2012 04:36 PM


05/20/2012 07:39 PM
centerseeker
centerseeker  
Posts: 2852
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I'm sorry that you are feeling so awful for so many days in a row. It isn't helpful when your spouse says the things your husband does either. It does seem to me that you should be seeing your pdoc and it is not good that she is not available to you in a crises. I would try and call anyway, you never know.

As Soy says keep posting, it may help.


05/21/2012 07:33 AM
liamacker
liamacker  
Posts: 7849
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Hi I'm in a depression that has gone on for over a month now so can relate to how you're feeling. When i was manic i gambled and put £400 on a roulette table and won and luckily had the sense to walk away too Tongue

I would suggest that you don't mess with your meds and if you feel like your new combo isn't working then speak to your pdoc again. Im sorry to hear that she is so hard to get hold of however, maybe she could tweak them over the phone? That's what my pdoc does all the time.

Wishing you well.


05/21/2012 09:45 AM
centerseeker
centerseeker  
Posts: 2852
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I'm an Advocate

How are you feeling today?

05/21/2012 10:41 AM
JenniferJen4
JenniferJen4  
Posts: 367
Member

I would go to the hosptial or speak with the doctor something is very wrong. Hope you feel better soon.

05/21/2012 10:45 AM
JenniferJen4
JenniferJen4  
Posts: 367
Member

oh and just to let you know shopping isn't always manic I do it all the time to make me feel good it's a girl thing sometimes so dont freak
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