it's that time again...

Well it's that time again on the emotional rollercoaster ride of my life. We are at that point in the cycle where my husband is questioning his meds. It's soooo scary for me to hear him talk about maybe going off his meds. I don't know how to deal with the aftermath sometimes. There will be agitation and then he will lose his temper (with who, that is yet to come). He will then have to apologize and then he moves on no matter who he hurts, and then I have to live with it for awhile. It's so difficult to let go of hurt feelings. I know he doesn't mean it. But he can just forget or he will black out so for me I have to live with it in my heart and be scared of when it will happen again. He thinks he was "normal" before the meds but he is so much better and stable emotionally on them. Just venting. Want to cry but can't anymore. I'm so used to walking on eggshells now. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I feel isolated. Like no one has any idea, not that I want them too! God, that would probably be much worse!

I am trying to pray for strenght, it's too hard, right now

He has just upped his dose of Lamictal and is working on "accepting" his diagnosis. I realize I need support too and that's why I came here. It's a very lonely life, living with a spouse with BPD. I have two young sons as well....12 and 6....and they have already seen too much.

My husband is a good guy. He just needs so much help to find that guy again...and keep him around for more than just spurts of time.....

Any wives out there....please write back....and know that I support all of you....

I am bipolar with PTSD which I got because of a very abusive relationship for 13 years.

what you said about walking on land mines is a really good way of putting it ..egg shells don't explode.

Being diagnosed both can make me a very dangerous person when it comes to the person that sets me off.

I hate what I am and there is no excepting it.

The guilt is horriable when I come down and no medication out there seems to help the PTSD.

I was the one calling the cops on him. I called one time and told the cops he wouldn't let me leave and tried to restrain me and he left marks.

When they heard this they arrested him and held him for 5 days ..the judge put a 3 year DVO out on him. She refused to allow me to drop it even with my medical condition.

It has caused him and us alot of hardship. when he lost his job over it no one would hire because of his background.

I feel like I have ruined his life.

He knew what I was when he met me and the only advise I could give him 3 days into the relationship was "RUN"

I wish you the best of luck with your husband and hope it is better than mine...My case is not the normal ..I am considered severe.

I hope I can talk to you more

jane

Thanks for your post.

I recently had a nice visit with my first wife (divorced 1975), and we talked a lot in the context of my BP and my addiction.

It was uplifting, ironically, to visit with her after these many years, and among the things she said was that I had a habit during our marriage of taking off and disappearing for days!

I have often had a feeling that chunks of my life were missing from my memory, but I never had any one who could testify or support my feeling--until...!

My ex's disclosure was a surprise to me, for these times about which she spoke were times for which I have no recollection!!

I now have proof that those "chunks" of my life are indeed missing from my memory, and I have discussed them with my shrink and my therapist. The evidence now indicates that I may have had several points in my life when my extreme mania slipped over the line into schizophrenia.

I suspect even today that I have mild episodes, but, at my age, those suspected episodes may also merely be "senior moments!" *chuckle*

Seriously, I have not had extreme mania for quite some time, therefore, I really have no fear of missing time. It is, however, comforting to have gained this insight into a troubling part of my past.

Also, since I am a recovering alcoholic of the chronic type, I am aware that alcohol and substance abuse may induce blackouts--short or long--periods of functional unconsciousness or cognitive deficiency followed by loss of memory of any events which happened during the blackout.

Who knows!?

The point is that I don't believe I have such episodes now, and I believe that is the result of good manic management, as I call it. ...and, through cognitive training, I am now able myself to see evidence of most mood swings before they get too extreme.

Thanks again!

Jim

I wonder if I am not multiple personality because of what I do.

I have never told the doctor this because it has just been recently that I have become aware of this. I think they have been around for a long time.

The connection between BP and what's called schizo-affective [BP] is kind of on the boundary of the delusional state--being convinced that my perception is real, when all forms of reason demonstrate that it is NOT real. Delusion can be a property both of BP and schizophrenia. I imagine that the degree of delusion determines the diagnosis, but I don't really know.

As far as my blackouts are concerned, it will probably always remain a mystery--emotional trauma? ...pathology? ...substance induced? ...complete delusion?

http://www.pendulum.org/diagnosis.html#bpschiz

http://symptoms.wrongdiagnosis.com/cosymptoms/blackouts/ paranoia.htm

In the matter of self-treatment, one might say, "The doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient." Should we extend that reasoning to ourselves!?

Take care.

Jim