Tomorrow is mother's day, and of course I want to see my mom. I look forward to it. But seeing her means seeing EVERYONE else...all at once...and that terrifies me.
I can't do large get-togethers. I just can't. The word that keeps circling through my mind is 'Nightmare'. I love everyone individually so much, and can relate to each of them on a small scale, but the prospect of everyone together at once is, well...a nightmare. Especially since it happens some 20-30 times a year.
I get so panicky, and weird and unpleasant. I have maybe one good hour of socializing in me, and then I'm done. I literally start to cry if things go on too long, which is sooooo embarrassing. And yet it happens constantly.
I miss being younger, before my parents inexplicably divorced, when I could hide away long enough to be interesting and sociable again. Many of my siblings have the same condition, but I'm the odd duck. The black sheep. My older brother was married at 19 and had his (1st) child by 20. I'm about to turn 25 and have done NOTHING with my life. And yes, my bro has BP, too. He found a way to work around it.
I dunno. I know it will come and go. But right now...I'm tired, and I'm hungry. I'm guaranteed to lose my job in about a month, and have PTSD over driving a car and so have my chances of future employment slashed to a fraction. Debt collectors call every day, 'cause I can't get my student loans sorted out. One of my roommates is about to move out, so exactly at the point I lose my job my rent is going to go way up.
Fine. Except tomorrow is mother's day, so I can't even relax. I have to immerse myself in my own brand of nightmare. And the next day? An appointment with my psychiatrist. And being a psychiarist, he's rude, demanding, and impersonal--but holds control of my meds. So I have to humor him, and lose many, many more hours of my precious day off. I'm so tired. I need this nonsense to stop. I need ONE week without all this bull...
