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05/12/2012 07:19 PM

Dreading Mother's Day

CAust3
Posts: 17
Member

Tomorrow is mother's day, and of course I want to see my mom. I look forward to it. But seeing her means seeing EVERYONE else...all at once...and that terrifies me.

I can't do large get-togethers. I just can't. The word that keeps circling through my mind is 'Nightmare'. I love everyone individually so much, and can relate to each of them on a small scale, but the prospect of everyone together at once is, well...a nightmare. Especially since it happens some 20-30 times a year.

I get so panicky, and weird and unpleasant. I have maybe one good hour of socializing in me, and then I'm done. I literally start to cry if things go on too long, which is sooooo embarrassing. And yet it happens constantly.

I miss being younger, before my parents inexplicably divorced, when I could hide away long enough to be interesting and sociable again. Many of my siblings have the same condition, but I'm the odd duck. The black sheep. My older brother was married at 19 and had his (1st) child by 20. I'm about to turn 25 and have done NOTHING with my life. And yes, my bro has BP, too. He found a way to work around it.

I dunno. I know it will come and go. But right now...I'm tired, and I'm hungry. I'm guaranteed to lose my job in about a month, and have PTSD over driving a car and so have my chances of future employment slashed to a fraction. Debt collectors call every day, 'cause I can't get my student loans sorted out. One of my roommates is about to move out, so exactly at the point I lose my job my rent is going to go way up.

Fine. Except tomorrow is mother's day, so I can't even relax. I have to immerse myself in my own brand of nightmare. And the next day? An appointment with my psychiatrist. And being a psychiarist, he's rude, demanding, and impersonal--but holds control of my meds. So I have to humor him, and lose many, many more hours of my precious day off. I'm so tired. I need this nonsense to stop. I need ONE week without all this bull...

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05/12/2012 10:53 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16593
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Yes, tomorrow is Mother's Day and I'm sorry you are dreading it so much. Can you just go for awhile then leave? That's what I would try to do. Tell them that you aren't feeling well. I'm sorry that crying happens to you and you get so embarrassed. I do that sometimes also. That's a bummer about your job and the roommate moving out. Couldn't have happened at a worse time. I'm so sorry for you. Do you get unemployment? Your psychiatrist sounds awful. Can you get a new one? I hope that tomorrow goes okay for you. We are all here to support you through this. Let us know how it goes. Try to make something up if you have to to get out of there. Hang in there.

05/13/2012 08:54 AM
Yrollam
YrollamPosts: 2476
Senior Member

I am so sorry everything that you are going through. Could you go to today for a few hours and leave before it got too bad? Just say you are sick. I am sorry about your job and your roommate leaving. Are you getting unemployment? Also your psychiatrist sounds horrible, have you thought about finding a new one?

05/13/2012 10:45 AM
CAust3
Posts: 17
Member

I much more upbeat and capable today. It's usually only after dark that things start to feel insurmountable. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the family now. They stress me out, but I'm also often surprised at how comfortable they make me feel. It'll be fine. I'll get through it, and the appointment tomorrow as well. I'm trying to be better about not clumping every little thing I'm worried about into one great big Stress.
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