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cappymuir
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Lately, I seem to get very angry real fast and start my verbal rendition of the Devils trash mouth. This was learned from childhood of seeing my parents use the language every day for everything includung arguements in anger. I get so frustrated when I am ttrying to communicate with my husband lately. I know that it is not all his fault or mine, but it is still hard to deal with. I can not ask a question without my husband assuming something else from my response. Then he reacts to his impression without verifying if what he thinks is true. Another instance is whne he tries reading my facial expressions and tells me how I am feeling , when I don't even know hat I am feeling. Lastly, it seems like he is constantly picking on me, driving, how I should have put something away ect. If it is not his way , then he comments on it and I feel like Iam a child being repremended or that I don't have any brains. He calls them suggestions. Today, the drain sealer got caught in the sink. Since, I have not plugged up the sink since we moved in in Oct 2007, I could not see why I was being blamed for it being stuck in the sink. Then he goes on stating that it could not have been him, because he is real careful and it couldn't have fallen in when he was using the sink. Then stated that it had to have fallen in the sink when I got some water and that I don't pay attention. I was very angry and hurt by this. He stated that he did not accuse me butthere is no one else in the house he could blame if he did not do it. I finally said that I did it and pushed him away, just to get him to stop adjectating me and risen my aner leave to where I am nervous about loosing control. He also likes to start attacks while I am driving. This becomes very scarry, because it distracts me and can cause an accident. So, how do I calm down and when walking away to take a time out does not work? He follows me into the room and if the door is lock he unlocks it. Any suggestions please!!! Cappy |
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carmen33
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Hey Cappy, sounds like hubby needs some therapy himself, something more is going on than just you being sick..mine likes to crack jokes when I am trying to talk with him seriously about something, drives me nuts and then I explode, starting a fight with you when you are driving isn't the smartest thing he can do.. your right it could cause a wreck, when he does this, is there anyway you can pull off to the side of the road and just sit there? or take the keys with you and get out of the car and walk for a bit? Since you have a computer, does he use it too? I have found that if I start getting frustrated or need to express something with out hubby starting his crap of joking, I send him a email.. this way there is no way of misunderstanding what I have said, and I also keep a copy for later if he claims I didn't tell him something. I know about the devil's trash mouth, as I have a mouth on me that can make the devil himself blush when I go off.. |
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kateholland78
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Hi Cappy, I, too, find it very difficult to "calm the beast" once I let it loose. "Devil's trash mouth" sounds about right to me. When I get like that, I know I just have to get away. I know you said your husband will follow you and not give you space - have you ever tried just getting in the car and driving until you feel better? I know you said it makes you nervous to drive when you are that upset - maybe you could just drive down the street and pull over and get a hold of yourself? I like to just drive and drive and drive, the highway just lulls me into a calmer state of mind. It sounds like you and your husband would benefit from some couple's therapy. I know my issues with anger go back a long way, and I never would have been able to get them under control as much as I have without the help of a professional. He needs to understand your trigger points and learn how to communicate with you in a more postive, helpful manner. I hope you two can reach a point of understanding and comfort... In learning to know other things, and other minds, we become more intimately acquainted with ourselves, and are to ourselves better worth knowing.
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cappymuir
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Carmen- Driving is usually on the freeway. I ask him to stop and try to calm down. It seems to be his favorite place to talk because he has my undivided attention and he is not getting interupted of his TV time or other projects that he is involved in. When ever I want to do something together he says wait until this program is over, I have to get stuff done at mom's because we borrowed money, and ends up sitting on his "ass" talking with his mother. He seems to have the time for his mother but not me. I've tried couple's therapy and he disagrees with all they suggest . He sees the problem being my illneess and that he has no part in the problems. It is like when I am talking about something he does, he has to retaliate back with what I have done that irritates him. Cappy |
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carmen33
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Find the nearest exit and take it, maybe you need to set some boundaries with him, tell him flat out what you are feeling and how you want him to help you deal with that, it isn't a matter of controlling your anger flare ups when you have a very reasonable reason to be angry, there are ways to learn to cope and manage your anger, and you should ask your therapist about it, when he does the retaliation thing, look him dead in the eye and say Yes, I have done these things, but they are not what we are talking about here, and repeat what you have already said to him, if you have to do this 15 times, then so be it... eventually he will give this up, my husband I believe is passive/aggressive, and he will make jokes when I am trying to talk with him seriously about a issue that we are having, I finally told him I am not going to try and talk with him, and I will only put up with that so long, and then it is "so long" I am out of here.. I've told him I am not going to continue to have the same fights over the same things time and time again, won't do that to myself anymore, and won't put up with his crap. Going to therapy is a challenge, I've been through it with mine so many times I can't count, he bullshits his way through it saying the things that he believes the counselor wants to hear, and I end up sounding like a over reacting idiot, and this was prior to my diagnosis, so he could not blame it on that. |
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earlfo
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Sometimes the best way to handle stressful situations is to relieve the stress within yourself. I started taking yoga as a method of learning to meditate and lower my stress levels. I leave class feeling much more in control of my thoughts. If you are feeling less stress, you will have better control over your reactions to confrontation. I hope this helps. Post edited by: earlfo, at: 02/08/2008 14:31 |
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cappymuir
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I know that letting go some of my stress will help me, but I don't have time for a yoga class and my finances does not allow much. I do try to relaxe by reading but that does not take me away or release the tension in me. One day I was so angry with whatever and I knew that I was at the point of loosing control. I walked into my bedroom and saw my dog and her toy and she really wanted my attention. So I grab her toy and with her on one side of the bed and me on the other, we played tug of war. I cried the entire time and wore myself out from really playing rough to get out my anger without hurting myself or anyoner else. I laughed afterwards because my dog thought it was the greatest time she had with me playing and that made me cheer up. She has been my compainion since I begun to this trip down hill and my sole support unitl now. I love her dearly and talk to her and reasure her that she is loved daily. My husband is jealous of her, because she gets more attention than him. I keep on telling him that she does not put restrictions or rules on how my attention should be given, she just accepts it when I do give it to her. Well, I seemed to ge carried away alot in these chats. Cappy
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earlfo
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Buy a soothing CD and sit quietly in a comfortable chair when no one else is home. Close your eyes and focus on the music. By the time the CD is over you will be surpised how relaxed you are. Give yourself this time when you feel that the stress is taking too much control of you. I do that in between yoga classes. Good luck |
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carmen33
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Cappy, thanks for sharing that, it is amazing how animals don't place expectations or, restrictions on how we are to behave, they just love us unconditionally.. I miss having my kitty's but we had to give them up when we moved..so I have adopted some of the ones that run around here, haven't gotten them to the point of being able to pet them yet, but working on it, that always sooths me.. Earl your idea of a soothing CD is a good one, I like listening to nature sounds and the Indian Music of the Native Americans, the drums and the flutes are so healing. |
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LittleJeffrey
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Right here girl...... What you think and he thinks is anger is not. This is your bipolar talking....I have been working on that fo 40 years and to no avail. 4 marriages later at 50 i am baffled stil but i have made much progress and i do have a normal ha ha relationship. I am with my friend of 32 years and she has allowed me to go all ends of the spectrum so she can understand and help me be with her. Runs deep....A quiet talk with hubby is what i suggest. A time when you are on a comfortable and secure low/medium....Let him know how much you need him to hear you and listen to you. let him know you need to be heard. let hime know that you feel under scruetany by him and many others. Spill your guts but demand if you need. You are on a rough ass road but me and millions are running the same race....keep talking to us here and you will get what you need..... love Jeff |
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