Bipolar Support Group

I don't expect people to jump at the chance at responding to this post much less with a deep, completely accurate response, and maybe this post will float on by, but I'm really curious and your responses would make me feel a helluva lot better.

Yeah, I'll go first: What I want and seek the most in life is a sense of control, even if this sense is completely false, leads me into danger, confuses and / or turns people off, causes me to be in a constant state of fear, etc., etc., ECT. It's been a common theme all my life. I wasn't often protected when I was young, I was sometimes placed in dangerous situations, and so I must have concluded that I would work hard to protect myself at all times. Bipolar symptoms began at age six, so I learned to control myself at all times and to keep my mouth shut. Control ===> etc., etc., ETC.

Well there's me -- so far, I'm sure it goes deeper.

Years later, I've caged myself. I don't initiate and find it hard to trust.

Anyhow, anyone else care to share? Maybe not but I hope so . . . .

Zadie

I don't have OCD, but I've struggled with obsessive behavior many times in the past. It usually sends my mind in wrong directions and causes stress or even the start of episodes. I think my obsession with my last job contributed to my alcohol issues and eventual first hospitalization.

Like most, I'm uncertain of exactly what it is your asking. Your subject is "what's your undoing" you mention "vice, crutch, destructive habit, method of self-medication, masochistic trait, therapy interfering behavior, etc", but in the end you say your is control. So I guess I don't quite see how those match up. I'd love to share, if I better understood what exactly you are asking. Because I could go in so many directions with the many different things you've said.

I find it practically impossible to be a model bipolar person in treatment -- something always slips out of place. I sabotage myself and I trick myself into thinking that I've worked hard, that life's tough, etc.

In my case most of my mistakes revolve around the issue of control, in a bad way. I'm hypervigilant and both consciously and subconsciously try to control my surroundings both in the present and in anticipation of the future. At times it can be very consuming. I jump to conclusions at times, may over-generalize, avoid relationships, choose uninteresting relationships with passive guys, fight with my tdoc continuously over minutae, and as one person put it, I "could argue Jesus down from the cross". I don't like change and wish to hell the Earth would stop spinning so that I don't always keep all the China, do-dads, and crap from falling down, sending me into a panic, and ruining my life forever. Control can be a good thing, but in excess it can lead to making the same kind of mistakes over and over again. This pattern is my undoing. I can't seem to break the pattern.

It can be so discouraging, I was wondering if anyone had a similar affliction. It's kind of a broad question open to many interpretations.

Thanks to everyone who posted, for your honesty.

Zadie

That is my take on the question asked.

Zadie