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04/28/2012 10:20 PM

Cycling

VampiricAngel
VampiricAngel  
Posts: 274
Member

I'ts been a really long time since i've last posted I haven't really been on this sight regularly I usually just pop in to see how some people i used to talk to are doing but other than that I haven't really come on. A lot has been happening things that I never posted I really don't feel like going into detail but my life has slowly been unraveling and it's all the stress but I feel like everything I worked so hard for is slipping right through my fingers...I'm overwhelmed and I feel like I'm drowning I feel on edge...I feel such anger and pain and anxiety, confusion and everything else in between all wrapped up in one nice big ball of destruction. I can't take it and I'm about to completely just fall apart again. The bad thoughts started again a few months ago but I've been trying to deal with it I know I need to be hospitalized to get the help I ened but with no insurance I can't afford the help. I don't want to burden my family again with everything they're going through I don't want to be selfish my parents don't need the stress...I have no one to turn to but me. I feel so far away from God even when I try to pull close I put this wall up between myself and the rest of the world. I didn't even want to come on here and vent to you guys. I just anted to pretend this isn't happening. My family won't get it they never did so I just keep this all to myself but I'm gonna break I'm heading for it and its gonna be worse than its ever been I'm so afraid of myself and what I'll do. I'm trying not to slef harm it's been months since I did I broke down a few months ago and hurtymself once I can't take this its all to much....Sometimes I feel like is this even worth it when I work so hard to get better everythign falls apart again. Does it really matter?

Post edited by: VampiricAngel, at: 04/28/2012 10:35 PM

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04/29/2012 06:08 AM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42707
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Welcome back. It definitely does matter. My life has gone through cycles of going good and then things falling apart and then it got good again. Life isn't static and you will not stay where you are right now. It will get better, you just need to hang in there and take it one day at a time. You sound very depressed and that makes everything seem more bleak than it really might be. Self harm isn't going to make things change for the better, so please don't do that. It's a dead end action. It's at times like these when we have to go on blind faith and put one foot in front of the other and keep pressing on with the hope that things will improve if we will just keep at it. There is always something up ahead. Are you on any medications at all? Can you get public assistance since you have no insurance?

04/29/2012 08:11 AM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16597
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Yes, it does matter. You are here for a purpose or you wouldn't be here. Not all of us know this purpose, but we keep going on. You sound really depressed. It does get better. I think we all have that feeling of things we have worked so hard for slipping from our fingers. You will get to a place that you will better in time. You just have to remember that it doesn't last forever. Self harming, I don't understand, but it leaves scars and that doesn't help your mind any except for a small relief at the time. Take care of your body. Try going to a no cost/ low cost mental health clinic in your area to get medications and a doctor. They can help. I hope this blows over soon and you are able to enjoy life again. We will be here for you, so you aren't alone in this. Welcome back!

04/29/2012 08:22 AM
hypnagogic
hypnagogic  
Posts: 2238
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I echo the words that uppitywoman and Joy75 have said regard how much you matter. There are hiccups with this disorder. I've called my pdoc before when I feel like the rope has turned to a thread and there's not enough to tie a knot at the bottom. He tells me that I've been through this before, even though it's been ugly and incredibly hard. Well, I'm still here. You will get through this. It's interesting how we as humans somehow have the innate ability to survive, even the most trying, troubling, and incredibly difficult times. I can appreciate your pain and I want you to know that I believe in you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts!

04/29/2012 12:43 PM
VampiricAngel
VampiricAngel  
Posts: 274
Member

Thanks, I woke up this morning to get ready for work I was so drained I didn't get up in time to work out I slept in wayyy to late I made it through the night without self harming in the morning everything seemed a little better but right now I'm on break at work so I ahve work distracting me right now. just trying to keep it all together. I haven't been on medications for going on four years now which makes it all the more hard and I haven't had therapy in almost four years as well my therapist stayed with me for free a few months after my insurance ended and I seemed a little better. So I've been dealing without medications and without therapy. But I seem to have managed to s certain point due to my faith.
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