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03/30/2012 05:51 AM

Trying to gain some insight...I need your help

DefChick
DefChick  
Posts: 35
Member

I am the spouse of someone who has been diagnosed bi-polar... and from what I read here, he is a textbook example. You can read what Ive written in other posts about what its like for me, but I have sat here and thought.. as horrible as it has been for me... I at least can escape.. my husband cannot, and I cannot begin to imagine what that is like.

So I need the help of anyone suffering (and I mean suffering) from Bi-polar. What is it like for you? Why do you say horrible things that you dont mean? Why do you make the same poor decisions for yourself? Why do you make anything positive into a negative? Why do you keep away the very people who love you and want to help? Please believe me, I am not criticizing,I would honestly like to know the thought processes if any involved here.

As a person without bipolar, I can only understand my point of view, but in order to help my husband, or anyone else experiencing this... I would like to hear yours too. Thank you

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03/30/2012 06:33 AM
hythloday
hythloday  
Posts: 415
Member

Welcome to the boards, Defchick. I'm in much the same spot as you, and curious what sorts of responses you get here.

In the meantime, you might check out the Spouses of Bipolar forums, in particular this thread (and specifically the great posts from Hooba, who suffers from bipolar and is very frank about what it's been like for him--his wife chimes in as well, which I find encouraging because it's often difficult to see how things will work out):

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/spouses-of-bipolar-in- active-relationships-discussions/medicine-treatments/ 3587558-subjective-experience-of-meds


03/30/2012 07:27 AM
ixdevin34xi
 
Posts: 40
Member

Being bipolar is a hard thing to overcome its not that we mean to be isolated its just hard to share emotions when your constantly dealing with a lot of emotions... as for being negative i do this a alot also sometimes the world seems gray and lonely ... just my opinion from my life

03/30/2012 08:04 AM
DefChick
DefChick  
Posts: 35
Member

Wow working....I feel a lot of hurt and anger there.My husband has said exactly the same things to me as you just did. He often feels threatened and "ganged-up" on,and I cant argue with the LOGIC of what he says... but is it appropriate? Is it fair to say that how you FEEL is how everyone feels? What would be the best way for someone who truly loved you, warts and all, and accepted you for who you are, what you are... what would be the best way for someone to show that care and sympathy?

03/30/2012 09:30 AM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16594
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Bipolar is hard to live with both for the patient and the partner. Sometimes we say things we don't mean. I'm sure some of the time we do, but even people without bipolar do that. The main reason I say hurtful things is when I am hypo-manic or really depressed. When I'm hypo-manic I get angry, irritable, and have racing thoughts. When I'm really depressed, I just want to be left alone. We isolate when depressed a lot of the time. Don't want to be around anyone or do anything. I don't experience these things, but many people do. They are getting very happy, lots of energy, take risks, spend loads of money, get hyper-sexual. They can get agitated like I do also. I'm sorry that he says these things. Not everything he means. A way to help is to be there for him. Try talking to him about what he is feeling. Educate yourself on bipolar. It's important. I hope things get better. He could also be unstable on his medications and need an adjustment to them. Keep posting, we are here for you.

03/30/2012 10:06 AM
Silverclaw
Silverclaw  
Posts: 379
Member

I guess for me, it's like I can sense the way that others feel. Mostly about me! Sometimes I can get paranoid or deluded about these feelings but mostly I am spot on! So when I bust out the big guns it's more like a defense mechanism. Like when I can tell my husband is frustrated with me and he keeps acting like he wants to help but to me I feel like he just doesn't get it. His way of helping just makes it worse, so I start saying things that hurt his feelings. And yes they are true, but I say them in a manor I shouldn't, not to my loved ones at least. Cause in reality, they have things that they aren't happy about just like me. But sometimes the preconceived notion of what a spouse should be or do doesn't exactly fit me, and it's like he wants me to be something I can't be, no matter how hard I try. Then all these bad things about me that he sees magnifies in my mind, I can't escape the fact that someone I love feels this way about me, and that turns to who is he to judge me! It's a process I can't seem to break from as long as he doesn't accept me, as long as I feel I have to be what he expects me to be. I have always felt this way about most people regardless. I hope my story made sense & that it gives some insight to you, sorry it was so long. I wish the best for you and your partner!

03/30/2012 12:28 PM
centerseeker
centerseeker  
Posts: 2852
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I'm an Advocate

I'll admit your post was hard to read and is hard to respond to. It is difficult to be reminded of how hard we can be on our loved ones.

Being bipolar is a lot like living in a small bad apartment complex where the thermostat is broken and can go from super hot to cold to normal, where the neighbors are sometimes quiet but sometimes are blaring 15 different stereos with car alarms going off and people in the parking lot barking obscenities or maybe the day is quiet and you have no car and only the asphalt with the sun beating on it and no where to go and no desire to move.

And yet all of this is in you and you can't control it or know which reality is going to be yours at any given moment.

So it makes us less than pleasant at times.

That said, if he works with his doctors, really cooperating and talking about symptoms he can be stable. Even stable, he will have days that rear their ugly heads out of nowhere but they should be days and not weeks. (my pdoc said as much to me today)

If you want things to work you may need patience but do like my husband does and set boundaries. If I am having a bad day and chew him out he doesn't just take it because he shouldn't have to and he calls me on it. Loving someone who is bipolar means more patience than many others will need but it doesn't mean you should be treated poorly either.

Sorry this is so long. I was just really moved by your post to write.


03/30/2012 12:35 PM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
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I'm an Advocate

Great explanation Centerseeker. I guess each of us has a different take on what it is like to have bipolar disorder. Main thing is to try and find a balance. Life is too short to waste it on fussing and fighting. I have bipolar disorder and so does my adult son. At times he has said some pretty hurtful things. Since he is stable and on the right meds he is so very sorry and apologizes for them a lot. He regrets things he has done while manic. It is so sad since he is normally a loving and considerate person. Perhaps your husband will get the right help. I hope so for you both.

03/30/2012 06:51 PM
DefChick
DefChick  
Posts: 35
Member

Thank you so much to everyone for your reponses. I am sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable, and applaud you for having the courage to help me understand. Your insights are very helpful to me.I always thought if I could just find the right way to say something, I could find a way for him to trust that I am not trying to hurt him. I just want to help him when and where I can... I still cant live with him, not until hes stable and doing what it takes to get there, and even then maybe not. I cant unhear the things he says, and cant trust him yet to not be inappropriate... but hes still my best friend and we get together, I would like to know I am doing the best I can for him... So, I thank you for all your help Smile

04/04/2012 01:42 PM
DefChick
DefChick  
Posts: 35
Member

I talked to my husband the other night about this site, and my difficult question and the insightful answers I received. It wasnt taken as the willingness I had to try and understand his illness, but thats okay... Heres how he explained his take on it: "Its almost like having a part of me, thats beyond my control, living inside me (but not MPD, no voices or lost time!) This little guy gets me in a lot of trouble, and hes not very nice... but, this little guy will also have my back and keep me from being hurt or fucked over. I just wish I could control him, or keep him in a cage until he is needed. But then, if I had to cage him up, he could become mutated and useless to me, and I dont think I want to change him or me. I need him" It gave me a little bit more understanding of what its like for him... is this common?
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