Dogs and Bipolar

Dear bipolar's:

I was reading a post in No topic Jan 24 in the bipolar support area earlier. Talk about striking a tender cord. I have grown up with animals and especially Dogs my whole life. I remember even as a wee tote being in my play pen many days with a litter full of Boxer pups jumping all over me. So no snide comments about men being dogs, because you only wish we could be that loving and faithful.

My Last two Dogs were Akita’s; they are huge, loyal, loving, furry, and quite smart. My female was named Shasta and my Male (one of Shasta’s pups) Goof Monster was named Pooh Bear. He was always so happy and playful, although he also thought 140lbs was ok as being a lap dog. He could take my arm in his mouth and lead me on a walk. I’m not kidding either, when he wanted your attention; he had his own way to get it. I think they call that brute force sneaky dumb smart!

Of course Shasta was always my special girl, she had her litter in my bed while I was sleeping and I nursed her through 12 hours of labor and ten puppies which all survived with a herculean effort on mostly Shasta’s part, and me to a lesser level switching in and out puppies constantly so they all got their fair share of nipple time.

I guess being in a down cycle right now makes all these memories seem so much more vivid. I wouldn’t be here writing this evening ( whoa, I need to stop here for a moment to wipe away some of these tears ) if it wasn’t for Shasta’s nonstop barking and attention she brought to my car running in the garage carefully sealed tight to block any fresh air from entering. Eventually she actually caught my neighbor’s attention and they called the police. It was one of those very dark ominous nick of time moments we experience in our bipolar lives. I was in a major psychotic depression at the time and since I’m writing this now, you can pretty much guess what happened next.

Yet, to this day I will always look back at how courageous and loving that Dog was in my life. Amazing how a little post like that will well up from the ground some heart wrenching memories to the surface again. Shasta and Pooh Bear are both passed on now, but I can still remember them as if was almost yesterday. That soft touch of their Fur and that ever so unique bark can still be felt and heard with the confines of my mind, heart, and emotions.

I think sometimes you can tell a lot about a person just in the way animals relate to them and they relate to animals. At least I have observed that to be true. This happened to be on my mind tonight, so I decided I would share with you all. I guess my eyes ducts needed a good cleaning anywise.

I hope someday when I’m not renting, have the bipolar under some increased stability as well as being a little more financially/employment secure. I will be able to have dogs again. As I will lend testimony too, they are not only faithful and loving companions; but can be an actual life saver.

Sincerely yours:

Stan[b]

Post edited by: Stan, at: 01/24/2008 23:51

You are welcome as well in our morning coffee clutch as we refer to our posts in No Topic, it is started over every morning, a lady named Sheila started the original a few weeks ago, during a bad spell and it became tradition for us, a place for chatting and as you read, we are currently decorating our little space,

I am truly glad that you are here, bring your inspiration and encouragement to the group. I am also very glad that Shasta was able to get someone to you when you needed them.

Welcome to the site, nice to have you here. I have always loved animals too.

I have two dogs, and two cats. I have had dogs and cats when, I was a kid, too. I remember everyone of them.

That was a great story. I am glad you made it out alive.

God bless, gypsy

Post edited by: Gypsy, at: 01/25/2008 00:18

I am doing pretty good. My two year old had a late nap, so, I am waiting for her to get tired. I just started back on Lithium. I feel so much better. I was getting all tense, and was living on the edge.I was about ready to fall off...lol

How are you doing? How is the house project going?

The first BP boyfriend was 14 years ago, when my precious Shiloh was still alive. He could sense something was very wrong with me and would lay at the side of my bed, right where I would plant my feet to get up. He would periodically poke his head up and put his snoot into the crook of my arm, encouraging me to hug him, as I used to do before the PTSD sunk in. Sometimes he would just kiss my face or put his big black nose in my cheek. Poor dog. He went from getting a 3 mile walk around a local park every day and going on "field trips" to playdates with other dogs, to not going for walks at all. Just laying around the house with his Mom - he was just as happy to be by my side. He lived out the rest of his life that way. I had severe PTSD again when I had to put him to sleep. I had it done on my lawn and hand carried his lifeless body in my car to the crematorium and waited for his remains. We were never apart when he was alive and I certainly wasn't gonna leave him after he died. Upon arriving home from the crematorium, I put the plastic box holding his ashes on a shelf in my bedroom and he's been there ever since - it's been 7 years now and I cried for him every day for years. I have his collar in a baggie and sometimes I open the bag and take a big whiff because it smells like him and makes me remember.

I couldn't leave the house for almost 2 years after he died. Ever since that first BP boyfriend stole my virginity and disappeared, I have been prone to severe PTSD whenever something unexpected happens in my life. My Shiloh had been very healthy - I had just given him a $500 checkup with the best vet in town who said he couldn't believe my dog was 11 - he seemed like a 3 or 4 year old dog. Six months later, something went wrong with his health and 7 vets and $3000 and 8 months later, I had to put him to sleep. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I had taken such good care of him - I was in shock that it was happening. If you've ever seen the movie "Lorenzo's Oil" - that's what my life was like. I was calling vets all over the country searching for answers. Just like I am in shock that my wonderful man, who called me his "missing half', his "true beloved", the "joy of his mornings and the peace and blessings of his night" is GONE!! And, I am trolling the web looking for answers and cyber-stalking him.

I wish so much that my Shiloh was here with me now. I am so lonely. I have been in the house, mostly in bed, for over two months trying to recover from this latest guy, who has been back on a dating site for over a month and has changed his profile essay 4 times already. I still can't believe that he has something so wrong with him and everyone thinks he's this calm, easy-going guy and that I must have done something to turn him off - just like everyone thought I had done something to the guy 14 years ago. And, the sick thing is, I want to "fix" it - whatever's wrong - I want to make it better, make him love me again, make him be the way he was when I met him - before he turned into someone else. I want my old guy back. But, he's gone, just like my dog.

When my dog was alive, I used to wonder what my life would be like after he passed. I loved him so much, I couldn't imagine life without him. I hoped that I would marry and have children within his lifetime, so that when he passed, I would have my own progeny to love. But, that didn't happen.

I can't help but wonder how I will feel thirty years from now, when I'm 80 and still wondering when my life is gonna start. When will I meet my man and be able to do all the "family" things I've dreamed of and never participated in. I do things with my friends and their kids, but it's not the same. After it's over, I have to drive back to my lonely, empty little house and be by myself again. I HATE IT! I have two dogs now, but it's not the same as my Shiloh, who I shared a "simpatico" with. Hard to describe, but all dogs are not the same. These dogs are pets. He was more than that.

I guess I am still obsessing.

Stan, I feel for you and am glad that Shasta saved your life. It is truly wonderful to have had a loving dog in your life, isn't it. My experience with my Shiloh was the best experience I have ever had. He was smart, cuddly and loyal. He knew when I was down and would try to comfort me. We spent 11 wonderful years together and I miss him so much, especially during times like these. I only wish I could find a man like that. I thought I had FINALLY found one, and once again, what seems to good to be true, usually is.

Even though I do not share your biochemical imbalance, I know what it is to just want to end it all. When I think of how many years I have left to live, it scares me. I am terrified of growing old alone. I am an only child with no close relatives and, if I have ANY major health problems, there will be no one to take care of me. Even now, on that card in my wallet where it says who to contact in case of emergency, I have no one to put there. Since I was a little girl, I have worried that this would happen to me - that I would end up alone. Most people (especially young children) don't think about their futures in this way, but I did. I have NEVER felt safe - I have ALWAYS felt like I was "marching toward impending doom". I spent my entire life trying really hard to not make any mistakes, to not wind up married to the wrong person and then divorced and alone. Well, I am alone anyway. And, I finally thought I wouldn't have to be alone - I FINALLY met the man I was supposed to be with - he kept telling me so. And, now it was all just bullsh*t (on his part) and I have meltdowns every other day. I guess the Truehope stuff isn't working so well for me today.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Cyber stalking is not a good thing, you are constantly reminding yourself that a "sick" person chose to walk away..consider yourself lucky that he did before you had kids with him. I don't know what this Truehope stuff is, but like you said it isn't working well for you, time to try something else.

I just woke up and got my coffee; your post was the first thing I read. Now I’m all choked up and babbling with tears filled eyes once again. Shasta and Pooh bear were both a wonderful blessing in my life. I will never forget or let go of that experience and treasured part of my life. They truly are a part of my heart and soul; as I’m absolutely sure Shiloh was in your life. But I know both death and relationships falling apart are a natural part of this life we live. There is no doubt there are times that they are in my thoughts and mind. But Life itself encourages us to grieve are loses and move on. Hanging on to something that isn’t there anymore is like saying to yourself in the mirror; “I’m not worthy to just be me”. I’m thankful for the relationships I have had and the love I felt, given, and received. Even if in the bolder scheme of things a lasting relationship it was not to be with a particular person, or as in the case my wonderful companion Dogs as they Passed on to a better world. Did those lessons in life hurt like hell and cause me significant suffering? Your damn right they did, but I allowed the process of healing to happen. I have faith those I have lost ( either it be in death or in just moving on in their own lives) are in much better place now, and are that much better for they being part of my life and I being part of theirs. I am just thankful I had the gift of their companionship while they were here on this earth with me. It is said; it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Unfortunately like life, love is not a constant and does change. No one can survive on lost love. We move on in our lives, because when we walk around that next corner or type that next word in chat; we have to be open to the miracle of renewal and new love. Being open to something new doesn’t come from a desperate position; it’s come from an optimistic outlook. Being co-dependent will never bring this person back in your life, and if you feel the anger I think you must! Who exactly is that anger hurting! Obviously not to whom it’s directed toward. It’s just closing the doors to you healing and moving on to better opportunities in to your life. For to every ending, there is always a new beginning. It’s not sitting in the rocking chair on the front porch after twenty years of being together that is really the important thing here; it was the journey that brought them there. That’s called a partnership! There are no partnerships of one. I think you need to think long and hard about what a relationship really means. Because if you thing that love alone on your part will force it to work, you have been mislead and misinformed by your heart, mind, and all reasonable rational. A relationship demands commitment, respect, and trust, from both partners. I believe you have neither of those vital ingredients at this moment. So there is not relationship in reality. I think it would help for you to get some good counseling and attempt to see the positive in these so called failures, and what you can learn from them in the future. (failures are building blocks needed, and treasured steps we take toward success and true meaning in this life; without them, success has little value and is just a beautiful sailing vessel sitting on dry land gathering dust). In Closing I will just say the journey forward in this life is way too important and incredible to miss, by living in the past or standing in the bleachers looking at life from the outside. I wish for your great happiness and a special healing within your heart. I would hope you are able to start at the very key point of all change: it’s called forgiveness! Forgive yourself and see how that feels. Maybe that will kindle a small flame that will allow you to forgive others and move on to new adventures, dreams, conquest, and relationships within the confines of this earthy life.

Sincerely Yours

Hugs:

Stan

What are you doing to take care of you? It sounds like you are staying in this endless obsession to ruminate over this guy who aparently has moved on. I would let him move on. His decisions have nothing to do with you. That was about him, and his choices to stay sick. You don't have to dye with him. You don't have to let your old relationships control your life. You can climb out of this hole you are in. You might need to do this with help. I have been where you have been. Every relationship, I had in the past would cause me to die , and isolate, and beat myself up. I would tear myself down, and fall into depression, and lonelyness. I had an empty hole inside, that, I was trying to fill with other people. I couldn't have healthy relationships, I took hostages. I was so desperate, and needy, that, I would cling to everyone that came into my life.

It left me alone and confused everytime. I needed to be needed. I clung to the fantasy, and the memory of the excitement, and the hurt, and ruminated over it, over, and over again.

Well, eventually, I have to stop waiting for someone to come back and save me, and stop living in this lonely, pit of despair, and move on. All, I would talk about was how everyone had hurt me. I would convince myself of what a failure, my life had been. I would use every thing that happened to me as a reinforcement of how worthless, I was. This just set me up for more addictive behavior.I became a victim to my own insanity. I thought, I had to do this. I was so used to living in this, I could see no way out. I would also use addictive relationships to do this, too. When, they treated me badly ,I would use it to prove my case,"See how worthless I am???"

I ended up dying mentally , spiritually, and emosionally.

I eventually had to make a decision whether to stay sick, and miserable,or do something differently.I also woke up after two years of holding onto the anger, and hurt,and realized that the guy I was hurt by already got married, and moved on, and I had wasted to years of my life waiting for him.I had to be sick, and tired of being sick and tired.I had to be willing to do whatever, i could to get out of that miserable place. I had to be willing to go to counseling, and take meds, or whatever it took.I had to do it for me, not anyone else. There are ways you can begin living your life, and it's not by living through other people, and it's not waiting for this guy to come back, and it's not by running all this through your mind over and over. You are wasting your time, and your life, doing all of this. You can join a group, you can go to a church, and find friends.

There are all kinds of community activities to get involved in. You can find friends, and create good relationships. Not all people are dependant on a man to make them happy.Even in a relationship, a man can't be my only focus. i have to have other interests that make me happy. Life is not all about getting a man to love you. Chasing them just makes them run faster.I don't have to sacrifice my dself respect, and happiness for a man.I have friends that never had kids, and never got married, and are happy, and have purpousful lives. You can travel with friends. Create your own happiness. Haven't you lived in this horror way too long?? Give yourself a limit to how long you are going to stay in that hole, and then put it away on a shelf, and move on to working on you. Put some positive things in that hole in your soul. Pick up yourself up by your boot straps, and live your life.

If, I did it a few times with three kids, you can do it, too.

Anyway, we all have a choice, about how we want to live. I would rather not spend my life in hell.

I would rather be happy.

God bless you,

Gypsy

Shrinks and meds don't help me - I went that route 14 years ago. Seven shrinks and every med made. They finally deduced that I don't have a chemical imbalance and that's why the meds never worked for me.

I cyber-stalk because it makes me feel like I have some sort of control over the situation. I have NO control over my mother, though. No one does. The only reason I even found out about her calling him (I think she was only able to leave messages because it was during Thanksgiving when he was in my state visiting his parents) is because I take care of her bill paying and his number was on her phone bill, as was the number of my girlfriend in his state who fixed me up with him - yup, my mother called her too - numerous times - and had to hear how I "screwed it up" because my so-called "friend" doesn't believe he just disappeared. He is apparently disseminating info that I had problems with the way he interacted with his kids (I did) as the reason for the break-up. HE NEVER EVEN BROKE UP WITH ME!! HE JUST SAID HE NEEDED HIS SPACE AND NEVER SPOKE TO ME AGAIN!!

And, I don't want him back - he will just do it again, from what I've read here. I'd just like one of these guys to work out and none of them ever do and then I spend years recovering from the damage they've done to my psyche and the next guy I meet does the exact same thing! I am always genuine and they are always full of sh*t with hidden agendas. I had already decided never to date again when I got this call from my out-of-state girlfriend who had this guy that I "just had to meet". I was very apprehensive and she kept saying "oh, the men here aren't crazy like the ones in your state", "oh, he's a surgeon, you have to meet him - he's supposed to be a nice guy". I retorted that "if he's such a nice guy, why is he divorced after all these years?" I was right - he was just a crazy as the men in my state. All the ones in my age group (50's) have something wrong with them if they are still available, unless they are widowers. In the last 17 years, I have only met one man who was "normal" - the rest were all dysfunctional in some way which precluded them from being in a loving relationship.

I had already accepted that fact that I was gonna die alone and childless - I had made peace with it and was in the process of redoing my home in preparation for my old age and working on getting in good shape again when I got this call from my friend about this guy. Since, I hadn't even spoken to her in a year, I thought that it was a "sign" from the universe that maybe I would finally find love. Now, I'm all depressed about my life again. I will NEVER be happy because that ship has sailed already.

BTW, the Truehope supplement was working for me until I got incensed over what my mother had done. I am staying on it.

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