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01/24/2008 05:19 PM

What my counselor suggested about BP boyfriend

mary5kids
 
Posts: 16
Member

I went to the counselor today for the first time in a long long time. She made a suggestion as to what to do in my current situation with my BP boyfriend who has basically cut me off from his life. She explained to me that BP plus the fact that he was abused as a child results in him being able to cut himself off of his real feelings. She thinks that is what is going on. Her suggestion was to stop sending love letters and notes and see if it triggers him to realize hey whats going on with Mary? She says by being the pursuer gives me less control over this situation. As she put it my method has not worked and he has not called me in 11 days. What do you guys think???
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01/24/2008 05:44 PM
TerriTee
TerriTee  
Posts: 3989
VIP Member

If he hasn't called in 11 days, it's worth a try. I'm no expert about human behavior, but you counselor is. Good luck! Smile

01/25/2008 04:24 AM
chattycathy
Posts: 107
Member

I'm no expert, but from everything that I've read online, it seems that the more you pursue them, the more they retreat.

I had a boyfriend 14 years ago who I did not know was BP at the time (now that I am educated in the symptoms, all the signs were there), and when he retreated, I went berserk - called him (he didn't answer the phone), went over his house (he shut the door in my face) and nothing worked. Mind you, he had just declared that he loved me more than anyone ever and had given me a $3000 diamond tennis bracelet a few weeks before. There were no fights, no ex-husband to scare him - nothing. Everything was great between us and he just started becoming quiet, depressed and picking on everything I did and said. He was acting like someone else - not the guy I knew.

I never heard from him again and, since I live a few blocks away, I could watch from afar as he did the same thing to two other women in 14 years. He finally moved to another state and his realtor told me that a woman was moving cross country to live with him there. She was "concerned" because they barely knew each other and had never lived together. That was 3 years ago. I have a feeling that she's back in her home state now, licking her wounds.

It took 14 years, but I met (was introduced by a friend who only saw him at dinner parties) another BP guy and again, didn't know that he was BP. One week he's buying me expensive gifts, introducing me to everyone he knows (including his kids, who he has a terrible relationship with and I got on his case about this) and the next week he's not calling me and, when I call him, his voice is different and he's saying he "needs his space" and needs to "work things through" with me. He lived in another state and I had just been there for an extended 2 week trip - he was acting weird the entire time and it was getting worse right before I left. It was like he was subtly "tuning out" and becoming depressed. After this "space" phone call, I only contacted him to say that I wanted to get my stuff back that he had encouraged me to leave at his place (for future visits there). I got one word answers on the phone, no answers to my emails, but he did leave my stuff for me on my doorstep when he came to my city to visit his family over Thanksgiving. My last email to him was on 11/24/07 where I told him that we can just be friends and that I'd just like to talk to him again. He never answered, but a week later put his profile up on a dating site and it read like an angry letter intended for me. Really strange! And, he keeps changing his essay every 2-3 weeks. Every time it gets more and more bizarre and doesn't sound like the guy I know. He also had a weird relationship with his parents. Especially his father (who now has alzheimers), who he calls "Boss". Not "Dad" or "pop" or "father". I met them. They really liked me. His father, who could barely get up, stood up when we were leaving, just to give me a hug "goodbye". My guy appeared to be EXTREMELY sensitive for a man - very introspective; which is why I find it so difficult to accept that he can just turn his feelings off like this. He was so positive and all about being in touch with his feelings. He kept exclaiming how happy he was to have "finally found his missing half, his true beloved". I can't believe this. I keep thinking that he's gonna miss me and call me and apologize for everything and that it's gonna be alright. But, that is not what's happening. Then, I think that he's a narcissistic jerk for doing this to me, for he knows this was done to me before and that I have never recovered from that guy. He was oh, so sympathetic when I told him the story.

So, there's my story. I did exchange some messages with two other women who had similar experiences. One of them never heard from her guy again, but sees that his dating profile is up. The other one had her guy call her about 4-5 months after he disappeared. She had already met and was engaged to a much better guy, so she never called him back. She is SURE that my guy will contact me again because we shared such a strong emotional connection and so many deep intimacies. She says it could be as long as 9 months. I don't think so. Time will tell.

I hope he calls you and gets on medication again. I agree with your therapist. She is correct. By calling him you are giving him "control". You need to retain control. Of course, there's also the case that he fell for you while he was hypomanic and none of his feelings are "real" - it could have just been the hypomania talking as I fear it was in my case. That's what hurts me most of all. That my love for him was absolutely real and that his love for me was just a function of his illness. I won't ever know. I hope you find out.

You also posted about the Truehope supplement - I answered your post. I have been so upset by what this guy did to me that I am taking this stuff. It takes the "edge" off of my ruminating about him. You know - "what if I did this?", "what if I do that?", "maybe if I had only ...?" I was so sick over him that I couldn't even concentrate long enough to watch a TV show. I just laid in bed all day staring at the ceiling and thinking. It was hell. Since I have been taking this stuff, I feel a lot better and have been able to read and watch TV. Still not leaving the house yet, though.


01/26/2008 04:00 PM
maisey

I agree with CC--the more I pursued, the more he came and went. The moment I was gone for a few days, he was tripping over himself to get to the phone to contact me.

The most recent time he was gone for a long time--it was then I decided no more romance--and now he's back.

Try doing a postpone and delay--every time you want to contact him (in any form), put it off by a few minutes--distract yourself with something.

Slowly the hours will become days, and maybe he'll contact you. If not, you'll still be the "winner" because you'll feel better about yourself for standing up for yourself and not allowing yourself to be a doormat. A lesson I am still learning: being a loving supportive friend is not being a doormat!

With "my" guy we are friends only, but I don't know what he thinks inside, if he thinks we'll date in the future or not. I have a feeling he keeps me around because he loves the attention I showered on him, but also because he's keeping me in reserve--he have me after he's all better. I don't know this for certain, it's just a sinking feeling I wake up with every morning, and so I ruminate on it.

Deep down he's a good person and very lovable, but so am I. I deserve to have a healthy relationship that is good for me. You both deserve the same, Mary and Cathy! Godspeed!

Post edited by: maisey, at: 01/26/2008 18:01


01/26/2008 05:52 PM
seattle
Posts: 22
Member

If the BP guy falls for you while he is in a hypomanic state, it can just go away as fast as it came??? Has this been the case for some...

01/26/2008 06:02 PM
seattle
Posts: 22
Member

My therapist told me I was in for a very labor intensive relationship if he even stayed around long enough and she kindly reminded me (as my therapist and friend) that the entire relationship thus far has been extremely up and down...my relationship went from super high at X-Mas to really not much in a matter of 3 weeks for no apparent reason other than an ongoing bout BP depression or sudden lack of interest which I giess I will find out tomorrow, we are having lunch to talk b/c this hot and cold thing is too much on my heart...

01/26/2008 06:07 PM
chattycathy
Posts: 107
Member

That seems to be what happened in my case and with the two other women I compared notes with on another web board. When the hypomania left them, they left us. When they cycled back into it again, one guy came back to his woman, the other one found new victims to charm.

The first time this was done to me, the guy never came back to me - he went after someone new. It is yet to be seen what this latest one will do. I need to get to a place mentally where I don't care. I am working on it. It is VERY hard to let go of the "dream" that he laid out for me.


01/26/2008 06:46 PM
maisey

"If the BP guy falls for you while he is in a hypomanic state, it can just go away as fast as it came???"

Possibly. But not definitely.


01/27/2008 03:13 AM
chattycathy
Posts: 107
Member

Not that I'm any great expert on this, but I think that whether or not they come back depends on how long they were together with you and whether they really loved you or if it was just the hypomania talking.

I think if you met someone who was in hypomania, and the relationship lasted a long time then you have a better chance of them coming back than if the relationship only lasted, say two months or something. And, sad to say, there is no way to crack their head open and see if they really did love you or if they were hypomanic and just in love with "love" itself and you happened to be there at the time.

You can't even judge by their behavior. I was given very expensive gifts by both of my "hit-and-run" hypomanic guys AND they took me to meet their parents/siblings (guy #2 introduced me to everyone he knew, his medical office staff and his kids) and I don't think either one of them ever really loved me, in spite of their loving words and deeds at the time. And, guy #2 really opened up emotionally to me and told me very personal things about his life and childhood. Really convinced me he was the "real deal". There was probably some narcissism mixed in with the undiagnosed/untreated BP in both their cases. They both lasted under three months then just disappeared. They both wanted me to live with them. I think they may have been "rapid cyclers" from what I have read.

The first one started acting weird at about the 3-4 week point - it was mid-November - he stuck around until XMAS and was gone the first week in January, but it was tough, really tough. He used to alternate between crying and saying he had a "wonderful girlfriend" to being mean to me. REALLY mean! Guy #2 started acting weird mid-October (it had been about 8-9 weeks since first connecting, but he lived out of state) and was gone by the second week in November. He was never mean - he just started turning inward and ceased to communicate in any way at the end.

Neither one of these men were serial "daters" or playboys. What they did have in common was that they were both quiet and introverted. Guy #1 didn't date again for maybe a year or two or three(?) - he lived nearby and I could monitor him. It is now 14 years later and he is still unmarried. Guy #2 waited a month after dumping me, then went on a dating site where he's changed his profile essay 4 times in the last 8 weeks. If he were having any success, I think he'd leave well-enough alone. He checks in twice a day, every day.

I chased after guy #1 and all it did was postpone the inevitable and make me miserable during the process. I'm leaving guy #2 alone. If he wants to come back, he will. I am dying to talk to him. He will have a lot of explaining to do. He knows that I love him and that I accept him with any "foibles" he has. There is nothing else I can do. It is strange to go from sharing very personal things with your "beloved" on a daily basis to never speaking to him again, but I have no choice. I feel like I am in the "Twilight Zone". That is the hardest thing of all - to accept that this is "reality". It just feels so weird and "nightmare" like.

I hope this info is helpful.


01/27/2008 09:34 AM
seattle
Posts: 22
Member

We have been doing this for 7-8 months. What I think is if I have to ask somewhere where they are now in the relationship, then I certainly know where they aren't but I guess I still have to have the conversation. From what I have read here the BP component seems prevalent in my situation and certainly complicates matters. I am sure I am hoping for some other revelation today at our talk but not counting on it...trying to find the right words so as not to be misconstrued today.

Post edited by: seattle, at: 01/27/2008 11:40

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