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03/05/2012 06:23 PM

An explanation of sorts for my absence...

BlackRoses
BlackRosesPosts: 134
Member

Hey everyone. I'm not sure if I'm back to stay, but I was checking my messages today and noticed that I had received an email from Roy checking in on me (which shocked me that he would notice my absence, but I really appreciated the message) which got me thinking that maybe some of you guys have noticed my absence as well and I really do owe you an explanation of sorts.

Long story short, my personal life has been in unrelenting crisis for a while now and more recently I've been dealing with a family one as well. I know that this is a support group, and that I could have asked (or could currently ask) for support, and that you guys would have gladly offered it. You truly are an amazing group of people, but I feel as though I've already abused that kindness and willingness to support.

My policy in life, as well as in online interactions like this, is to try to give more than I take, and yet I've asked you all for so much more than I've given back. I don't like to be someone who takes and takes and takes without returning the gesture and giving back. Right now though, I wake up each morning wondering if I have enough strength to make it through one more day. I have nothing left to give away to anyone else.

I'm doing my best not to cancel out on my therapist because I know I need her, but I avoid telling her just how bad everything gets because I don't want to sound like I'm 'crying wolf'. If you say something often enough, eventually it falls on deaf ears.(Although I do now have both my therapist and the psych dept at the hospital on speed dial just in case, even though my crisis' never seem enough for me to justify bothering them, I do intend to get a crisis definition from my therapist's office tomorrow so I don't need to justify it based on my own ideas) It's already happened, I'm chronically suicidal and so it gets brushed over. Yes, I may be dangerously suicidal some nights between appointments, but all she sees is that I live to see the next appointment, so it can't be that bad. (post edited for suicidal imagery by centerseeker, original poster notified)

I guess a part of me doesn't want that to change. My old therapist passed me off to another one shortly before I disappeared from here, and the new lady is bringing me back every other week instead of the once a month the previous lady was having me in, and I'm finding myself unable to justify taking up so much of her time and resources, I was having a hard enough time justifying once every 4 or 5 weeks. I don't want to make her think that she needs to give me even more. She's currently trying to talk me into a 12 week mindfulness and distress tolerance DBT type group that's meeting once a week starting later this month but I hate groups of people plus April is a brutal month for me so I'm not sure I can commit to it.

I'm still not medicated for the bipolar and the gabapentin that was prescribed for the anxiety is doing little now even though my gp increased the dose by 200mg. I'm to the point where I'm seriously considering ASKING them to medicate me despite my aversion to medication because all it seems I'm doing in therapy is whining and not only am I sick of listening to myself, nothing's changing. I don't want a pity party, or sympathy, I just want something to change for the better, for coping with life to get easier..something, anything.

I should add that I have been seriously considering asking for a voluntary commitment, but my local hospital recently had a young woman die while under the care of the psychiatric unit. She was last seen with two young men who were also psych patients and was found in a room at the other end of the hospital and several floors down from the psych unit. Cops aren't saying much and so I don't know if it was a murder or an assisted? suicide, but the two men are still in the psych unit and her death has been enough to make me reconsider whether a hospital psych stay really would keep me safe. If I'm going to die, I'd rather die by my own hand than somebody else's. Until I know more, I honestly feel I'm safer on my own.

Anyway, that's my rather longwinded explanation/rant I am still alive, I haven't forgotten you guys and I promise I'll be back to stay as soon as I have something to give. All I'd do right now I'm afraid is drag the forum down, and I don't want to do that. I hope all is well. Take care of yourselves. ~Jewel

Post edited by: BlackRoses, at: 03/05/2012 07:26 PM

Post edited by: centerseeker, at: 03/06/2012 03:17 PM

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03/06/2012 06:07 AM
centerseeker
centerseeker  
Posts: 2852
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

If your therapist wants to see you once a week you should do it. You aren't taking up her time and resources. For one, it is her job. For two, it is at her request. I think the idea of getting a definition of crises from her is a good one. I am not trained, but it sounds to me like you are there now.

If you are having these thoughts and ideations and actions than you are not crying wolf you are in trouble.

Can I ask why you are still not medicated? I am NOT a doctor but I was exactly where you are when I finally picked up the phone book and looked for help. The first month I was put on meds I was not stable but the suicidal thoughts stopped. Again, not a doctor, but the relief was so amazing it literally saved my life.

Please if you find yourself in this position again, with such strong thoughts, consider calling your doctor, 911, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255or go to the ER.

Please do take a minute to review the suicide sticky above though. We are here to support one another but we are none of us trained in crises so you can discuss feelings in general but if you get to any place where you are making plans use one of the resources above. So just take care in your posting is all. This is not a warning so don't be nervous, more of a friendly 'just so you know' We care about you and we want you to be ok.

Never feel you are taking more than you give, when you are hurting some times you can't give. When you feel better you can give more. We all take turns that way. That is what a support group is.

Please, please, please take care of yourself.

Post edited by: centerseeker, at: 03/06/2012 06:08 AM


03/06/2012 08:33 AM
BlackRoses
BlackRosesPosts: 134
Member

Thanks. My therapist doesn't want to see me once a week, just once every other week. But I worry that if I call the clinic then they'll schedule me in for a crisis intervention/emergency appointment and then my therapist may start scheduling me in more often because she feels she should. I don't find myself worth the time and resources she's tying up into me as it is and so I definitely don't want to take more. I guess the way I see it is that there are so many people who need help and every appointment I take is one that could have been given to someone else.

I know I'm not crying wolf about my situation, but all they see is no actual attempts (which I fear it will take to get a serious reaction) and that for all my whining about how hard it gets - I'm still alive. My current therapist hasn't even mentioned suicidality yet.

I'm not sure why I'm not medicated yet. I was diagnosed in Oct of 2011. There hasn't even been any talk of another psychiatrist appointment despite the fact that he said there was more to be diagnosed, but he's get to it at the next meeting. I don't really like to complain or ask for too much. I was shot down by my gp when I told her I was depressed, suicidal and barely functioning, could I please have some anti depressants so I could go to work and function? She told me I wasn't depressed and I didn't need drugs. And so I'm really hesitant to ask for meds, they may not think I need them. Or worse, they'll write me off as drug seeking since I'd also like to ask for a benzo prescription for emergency use since the gabapentin he prescribed for the anxiety is doing jack all to help it. I'd rather go without meds if I could. But this just isn't working.

I'm sorry if my post is disturbing, feel free to edit/remove it if you feel that would be best. I honestly don't see it as making plans though I see it more as checking my options. I already gave mental health my 'plan' with over a dozen methods in order of most readily available and most leathal down to the crap shoot of an OD where it's hit or miss, along with a vague idea of where, the funeral home that gets my body and a note that my wishes are well known and there is money put aside to cover expenses. They didn't bat an eye called it 'more thoughts than a plan' which I agree with, but I had hoped they'd take me a little more seriously for it. If I was making/had plans or intended to commit, I would never tell you guys, it's not for me to put that burden on you. I know you noted that this wasn't a 'warning' per se, but still, feel free to edit or remove it I wouldn't want to inadvertently trigger or concern someone.


03/06/2012 09:38 AM
centerseeker
centerseeker  
Posts: 2852
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I tried to talk to my general doctor about moodswings before getting help and was rebuffed myself so I called around until I found a tdoc and pdoc who would take me seriously because i was contemplating suicide all the time, and I mean all the time. i feel better now and no longer think like this. Sometimes you really have to be your own advocate.

I just want for you to be getting the help you need. Don't worry that you are taking an appointment from someone. Your not. You need help. your needs are just as important as anyone's.

Post edited by: centerseeker, at: 03/06/2012 02:43 PM


03/06/2012 02:30 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16593
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I think you should see her more if that is what she wants. Don't feel like you are taking away from someone else. That's just part of this illness, we all have to see the psychiatrist or therapist and how often is determined by that person. You have no reason to feel guilty. You aren't crying wolf either. When a crisis comes up, they will take you seriously. I'm sorry you are feeling this way about things. You need to take care of you right now and don't worry about anyone else. I would definitely get a diagnosis and medications. You don't have to suffer this way. I have no idea why they haven't started you on any by now. It's ridiculous. Let us know how it goes.

03/06/2012 05:33 PM
BlackRoses
BlackRosesPosts: 134
Member

Centerseeker- I suck at advocating for myself, which is probably why I seem to have fallen through the cracks. I'm borderline terrified of human interaction anyway and so the thoughts of having to stand up to anyone or directly ask (or accept something from) someone (particularly men of which my psychatrist happens to be one) for something is all but impossible.( I wouldn't ask for, nor accept if offered, so much as a cup of water from someone, even family, as a child, no matter how thirsty I was...to this day I still won't ask for nor accept anything if I can at all avoid it, I guess I don't want to seem 'needy' or be somehow in anyone's 'debt' even though I know it's foolish and most people don't expect anything when offering you something, it seems I took my grandmother's preaching of 'total self reliance' to heart a little more than I realized) Plus I'm not actually convinced that I'm worth helping and so that complicates matters even more (as if I needed complicating!)

Joy75-Thanks. I almost stopped by the hospital where my psychiatrist is based today to ask for him to contact me about meds. But I just kept thinking back to the young lady who died there last month and I couldn't go. I'm relatively stable right now and I know I would do well to at least call and leave a message for him to contact either myself or my therapist to schedule a meeting, so I can't back out, but I don't want to overstep my bounds, he's a wonderful man and I did like him, but I'm not sure whether contacting him directly would be appropriate. All I know is that something's got to give soon

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