stay? leave? run? come back? pole

You know, all the BP information says that BPs engage in "risky" behaviors during their manic phases. I guess my ex-guy going 'overboard" for me so soon was an example of this, but everything else about our relationship was not risky - I was preparing healthy foods for him, encouraging him to sleep more, trying to get him to stop spending money and actually returned $1500 worth of excess "stuff" to stores for him. Maybe he bailed because I wasn't allowing him to continue his "risky" behaviors??? He knew he would have to stay on the "straight and narrow" with me. He certainly complained about how his wife never nurtured him and how he couldn't control her spending. I wanted to show him that I was the antithesis of her. Maybe it backfired on me. Maybe we'd still be together if I dove into the hypomania along with him, instead of being the "voice of reason"???

You said it, Gypsy! He just wanted the "fantasy". The whole time I was with him, I felt like I was some kind of fantasy girl for him. He called me his "an-gel". I kept reminding him that I wasn't an angel, I was just a person - a person who loved him. I've never felt like that before in a relationship. Like I kept having to remind him that I was REAL, that I was HERE for him. I kept saying it over and over again. I was TOO real. Maybe that's not what he wanted ...

I have no doubt that he'll find someone else to "plug" into the fantasy he has in his head. He's very cute and there are plenty of women on the internet looking for fantasy in their lives. They'll go along with his whims and he'll dig himself another grave financially and emotionally.

Post edited by: chattycathy, at: 01/25/2008 08:43

Post edited by: chattycathy, at: 01/25/2008 08:52

I know it's the disease that makes them do these things (punish those that point out their destructive acts) but what is the thought process that causes this to happen? Do they truly believe that it is the other person't fault or is it just a way of not dealing with the truth? Is the truth so painful that it just cannot be dealt with on any real level?

Is it possible that my dad's way of thinking deceived himself for so long that he began to believe his own lies to himself.

If they would try to look inside themselves and be honest about what they are doing to those who love them, then they would have a good chance of working things out with that person - but if they continue to blame the other person without ever trying to look inside of themselves, then ultimately they sabatage any chance of having a good, meaningful and loving relationship with anyone in their life.

Like I said I know it is the disease that causes this to happen, but is there anything that can be done about it?

Is cognitive therapy the answer, are they unable without therapy to see what they are doing? Are they completely unaware of the harm they are causing to relationships (wives, children, friends) and do they truly believe that other people are to blame for their own misery?

I'm just trying to figure out my dad's thought process.

I know what is done, what has always interested me and intrigued me - is more than the what - it is the why.

If the bp person could figure out why - then maybe they could work on it or recognize that in themselves so that that pattern won't keep repeating itself.

I know that a lot of bp people on this site have already done that, all I am is asking I guess is when you were acting like that (if you ever were) did you truly believe that everything was someone else's fault and did you truly feel rage and hate toward that person who was confronting you?

Was the rage and hate you felt real? Did you in fact hate that person and were you unable (due to the illness) to see the other person's point of view?

When you began to recover, what helped you the most - was it the meds, or was it therapy, or was it both?

I've read about cognitive distortions, is that why. Maybe my questions are too hard, but it's all so confusing to me.

I really think that if people would honestly try to look to themselves for answers, instead of trying to find answers in other people, then maybe some real improvements in lives could be made. If it takes cognitive therapy to do that my hope is that all who need it will indeed seek that for themselves.

Just asking,

Your Friend, Joyce.

I think a lot of it has to do with acceptance. I was diagnosed five years ago, and up until about two years ago, I lived in total denial. Oh, I took my meds, but I refused to see the destruction I was causing in my life. When confronted with it, I fought it tooth and nail and always blamed it on some other occurance, person or circumstance. And yes, I felt rage and hate for that person that brought it to me, because I just couldn't see that it was me and not them.

I think it takes coming to grips with one's illness. I don't know if we ever fully accept it, but coming to terms with it tends to turn your view around to seeing that the toxic behaviors are yours alone, and have very little to do with those around you. Once you start to see how the illness and cylces are affecting your life, you can start to anticipate ways to head them off at the pass, so to speak. I think once you're faced with the reality of what potentially damaging behaviors you are capable of, you tend to do whatever you can to make sure that you don't continue to hurt the people in your life. For me, waking up to that reality has been the most positive thing in my life. Now I don't expect others to clean up my messes and I have stopped destroying my relationships and healthy functioning.

It takes a lot to admit that you're the problem. I think it's human nature to want to blame anything else before we realize that we're the problem. But once you realize it's you, you also realize that taking responsibility for your life and how you treat others, is your job and yours alone. I think it takes a lot to accept that responsibility. It took a lot for me, anyway.

You asked about cognitive therapy - I think that always is a good tool to helping people deal with their toxic emotions. I went through DBT (dialetic behavioral therapy for borderline personality disorder) and it really, really helped me to understand how my unhealthy reactions to the events in my life were perpetuating the destructive behaviors and gave me tools to help me react in a new, healthy way.

I am very proud of you and only wish so many could do what you have done - to find the strength within themselves to help themselves to a better life.

My blessings to you -

Your Friend, Joyce.

I think with any problem we might have, whether it be alcaholism, or bipolar. When we are cornered, we tend to fight or run from the truth.

We get mad at the people who are closest to us, because we feel guilty. I know for me, I have a conscience. It's human to have a conscience, whether,bipolar, or not. I would act out, and had no control over it. I would then feel guilty, and angry at myself. I would then be embarrased, and just accepted that, I couldn't deal with people. I moved out of state to get away from my family. It also has to do with the cognitive distortions. If some one is percieved as a threat to my reality, which, I was convinced was right, I would treat them badly, or run. I used avoidance. I had very few friends, and wasn't very consistant in relationships. I blamed myself for how my parents treated me, and blamed myself for acting the way, I acted. I have a habit of feeling guilty for everything, and like a failure. I think that is a part of my disorder. I have had a habit of causing a lot of destruction in relationships, and then playing the victim, and blaming the person for leaving me. I would use situations as an excuse to keep acting out on my disorder.

I would blame outside things for my feelings, and behaviors.

I finally saw the common denominator. I had to see, that my behavior, and reactions to life, had nothing to do with anyone or anything. Being in therapy helps. I get to see my patterns of how, I react to different triggers. Like abandonment. I get triggered by my fear of abandonment, I start having an episode. I start cycling, and bam, I lose it, and want to run away.. Everytime I percieve, that, I am going to be abandoned, I self destruct. So, my therapist helps me learn how to react differently. With the meds, i can slow down, and do this stuff. Without meds, I don't think, I can slow down enough to apply it. So, any way, I think it's a combination of learning different behavior, and the meds. I think the behavior of hurting others isn't intentional. It's a reaction to where we are at mentally and emosional. I also think it can be a reaction to our perception of being threatened by the world . I think our perception is a protection against our fear of the world. I being bipolar am very sensitive, and have no cushioning. I think that's why, I self medicated.

I know this was long. I kind of got carried away.

I am sorry you were so hurt by your dads illness.

Hang in there,

Godbless,Gypsy

My mother (she never knew he was bipolar, never heard of it before - this was years and years ago) used to tell me that it was not his intention to hurt me. But something would happen between his intention and the outcome that would spoil it. It was as if he couldn't carry his intention out to the end.

Thanks again, Gypsy - for a more upbeat mood check out Are ya'll awake 1-25

My best advice is that if you love her don't give up, when she seems amiable talk to her about maybe one day joining you in therapy, this will ease some paranoia about what you are trying to accomplish.

I lived with a man for 7 years had two children with him and one day he said he'd had enough and left. It was then that I realized what I was doing to myself and others. I had to step back and realize I should have worn his shoes once. We are on good terms now and both have found others to support us where we couldn't each other.

I am far from suggesting you leave her, there are going to be good days, bad days, and terrible days. Live for the good days, through the bad days and support the terrible days.

I hope this helps. I will keep you in my prayers.

Melody