Bipolar Support Group

My name is Jason and here is my story. We have 2 kids together and had been together for 5 1/2 years. Back in October I asked my gf to move out because she was basically not helping me with anything around the house. She was not paying for anything and if she did it wouldnt be the full amount. I did not know she could be bipolar I just thought she needed to grow up so the intention was for her to get her own place so she could work on things.

I bought her a car last year cause her credit was bad. She barely paid for it and for the first 10 months she didnt pay for it at all. So in October i was trying to refinance my house and i couldnt because there were two cars on my credit so i told her we needed to get her car out of my name and her credit just wouldnt do it. So she decided to buy a new car instead and leave me with the old one.

There were lots of lies in between about where she was going and who she was with. In mid December she totally called everything off saying she needed space. But she was adment that she wanted us to work out. She was starting to disappear for days at a time and was really depressed towards the end of last year. After new years we started doing real well but something just didnt seem right.

This past week she called me flipping out about not wanting to be the mother of my children anymore and to come pick them up. I had just found out that she was sleeping with a guy that i had already questioned her about back in October. When i showed at the house she was mad and she told me to leave but i wanted to get the kids out of her house cause of what she told me. She ended up punching me in the face twice so i held her shoulders so her sister and mother could get the kids down the stairs. When i did that she bit me in the chest. Her mother and sister pinned her to the wall so i could get the kids out. Long story short I was the one who ended up going to jail for the night. I lost my job the following tuesday because of it.

Her current situation is she is losing her family, she is late on bills and creditors left and right mailing things. All she cares about is hanging out with this guy who i believe is her drug supplier.

I guess the questions i have are:

Why lie about this guy for months? She is still seeing him and telling me she isnt anymore still now.

Why is she stringing me along? I mean she has been telling me she is trying real hard to figure it out and that she wants us to work out and be a family.

I am really sure she is using drugs as I am assuming Cocaine or Myth. I guess what are the effects of these drugs along with the bipolar in relation to wanting to see the kids? It seems she has lost interest in them.

Also does anyone know what good support sites for young kids dealing with these issues? My son is not taking it well.

I am currrently going to file for custody of the kids until she figures it out and gets help.

Any help would be appreciated. I do love her very much and its killing me to see this happening to her and my family.

Please only encouraging comments there are children involved.

I think for now the best thing would be for the children to be under your care. She needs to get her stuff figured out, she needs help. Certainly no one wants anything to happen or hurt the children, mentally/emotionaly/phisicaly.

I'm not sure about any helpful sites for the children. But one thing you need to know is that children will always take in things (even if you think they are too young to know) and end up blaming themselves. So, make sure you let them know that their mommy is sick and needs help. That you both love them very much and none of it is their fault.

I wish you and your family the best.

Jason,

Accepting that you can only change yourself is about all you can do for her. She has to want to change and want to not hurt her children and to do that she first has to recognize that she is hurting them. I don't know if it's bipolar (since you said she wasn't dx'd) but the behaviour she is choosing to exhibit isn't something you or anybody should put up with. Bipolar doesn't give a license to be crappy to those who love you. IDK, she could be just a selfish person. If it were me I'd do what I could for me and my children and cut her off until she chooses to change to at least the minimum of being responsible. Corvusgrl86 is right on the money, kids come first. They will blame themselves or learn that how mom acts is normal (cheating, drugs, dishonesty). Do you want that?

Your in a difficult position, I feel badly for you, I have been there. I hope she comes to her senses.

I also think the best thing you can do right now is to get custody of the kids. You may need to take them to a therapist so they can be reasured that they did nothing wrong. Lilibit58 is absolutly right that you cannot change your girlfriend, the only person we can change is ourselves. Do the right thing and get the kids out of there. I know from experience that in a manic state I used to hit my kids. I would also scream at them, rip things out of their rooms and break things. I have spoken to all three of them about this. they do not wish to go to a therapist but sometimes they do want to talk to me about it. I will talk to them anytime they want about it. They now know that it was my illness, and my illness is not their mom.

Jason,

It sounds like you are unemployed as a result of the incident you mentioned. Perhaps that could be patched up or you could secure employment because being employed may help you in any legal proceeding where custody rights are determined.

You sound so negative in your post about chances for reconciliation, that things simply cannot be worked out. While you may be right, it may serve you to proceed as if that unfortunately is the case.

Since you have real estate and automobiles held jointly or not, finding an attorney may be wise. I like to find attorneys (and therapists) when I hear somebody has been happy with them. An attorney will advise you about joint custody assets and more. It may be necessary to file a notice of non-responsibility of you for her debts from this point in time forward.

A family service agency may be helpful, one that offers counseling for the children, maybe counseling for you and your spouse, and eventual handling of join custodies if it comes to such. If you can find all of that in one agency, it will be perfect.

Since you may have a record of domestic violence, avoid contacting her or going over to her place. If you do not stay away, it is an easy matter for her to get a Temporary Restraining Order against you.

Tempers will cool if you give it a little time and you and she will be able to work out details either directly or through your attorney.

I like Nolo Press and they have 3 books on divorce. They are law for the layman type books and it may be an idea to buy one from Amazon. The url for Nolo Press is: http://www.nolo.com/product.cfm/ObjectID/49F5515D-C89B-4ABA- B710959999D6F3BC/118/246/

I hope it goes well for you and you will be a testimony for a successful divorce (or reconcilliation).

scooby

Post edited by: scooby, at: 02/01/2009 17:38

Thank you for the advice. I dont mean to sound negative its just that I just cant figure out someone who had everything just doesnt care anymore. I guess for me it has been a good thing because in all this someone sent me the serenity prayer. I figure they did for a reason so for the first time in 7 years i went to church so maybe this was all happening for me to find god again. I just hope she can figure it out so we can be a family again.

Dmatl, the kids are the most important thing here. If you can get custody, do so. Since you are not married to their mother, I would suggest getting a family attorney. If you can't reconcile your differences, make sure the kids are in a safe and stable place.

Do whatever you can to make that happen.

Good luck to you...I hope things get better. We are here if you need to talk...

I want to say that I've got nothing but respect for a guy who has obviously put up with lots of bad behavior from your ex-girlfriend, but still joins a support group to find answers as to whats happening with her... Welcome to the group Jason.

You posted 4 questions...

Why lie about this guy for months? She is still seeing him and telling me she isnt anymore still now.

Why is she stringing me along? I mean she has been telling me she is trying real hard to figure it out and that she wants us to work out and be a family.

I am really sure she is using drugs as I am assuming Cocaine or Myth. I guess what are the effects of these drugs along with the bipolar in relation to wanting to see the kids? It seems she has lost interest in them.

Also does anyone know what good support sites for young kids dealing with these issues? My son is not taking it well.

Jason, unfortunately those are ALL questions that only SHE can answer... nobody can tell you what her motivation for doing those things was. All I can tell you is what i DO know..

1. She betrayed your trust and cheated and lied... that's a PERSON thing and not neccessarily a Bipolar thing. I was just betrayed in the same way by my bf of 8 years, and he's NOT bipolar. In fact, he's the most emotionally balanced person i've ever known. And there was an extra little surprise twist to MY story... but you mentioned children and its NOT PG-13. Check out my diary - you'll see the one I'm talking about right away... Just goes to show you that you never know.. Bipolar or not, cheaters are cheaters, and liars are liars. Period.

On the other hand, if the cheating was a result of a manic episode, it's possible that she may have regretted it AFTER the mania was gone and felt guilty and/or ashamed... it's POSSIBLE that she lied out of sheer embarrassment and fear of losing everything because of her COLOSSAL screw-up...

2. With bipolar disorder, our constantly shifting moods make it so that it's hard to make decisions... MAYBE it's not her intent to string you along but instead, her mood disorder is making her see things from 2 totally opposite points of view. When I'm hypomanic, I love EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY, when I'm depressed, I love EVERYBODY BUT MYSELF and when i get to the true manic phases, I HATE THE WORLD and EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ON THE PLANET - family, friends, neighbors, postman, telephone, coffee mug - EVERYTHING. Its all just too much extra noise. That's a result of symptoms that i can only control with mood stabilizing medication.

3. As of tonight, I have been awake for four straight days - i woke up Friday morning and haven't slept since. I'm not tired at all right now. I got sleepy about 3 hours ago, but while I was waiting for chinese food delivery, I saw some dog fur on the loveseat so I got the lint roller out.... Well - there goes the sleepiness -It's 1:07 now and not only do I feel like I would if i had gotten 8 hours of sleep, but my ENTIRE HOUSE is spotless. I am under the influence of HYPOMANIA, not cocaine or meth... BUT THAT'S JUST ME.

I dont know if your ex has substance abuse or addiction issues or not, so i cant speak to why you're thinking its drugs... IT VERY WELL COULD BE. But it COULD be something else entirely... What I'm saying to you is that with bipolar disorder, the best bet is to not ASSUME why we're so off the wall. Its easier to just ask... I can only imagine what people assume about ME when they see that my lights have been on for 4 straight nights and i'm still dancing around the house all energetic and bouncy... lol - I'm probably a crack head in their minds...

4. I'm not a big fan of children in general, so i steer clear of anything that's "FOR KIDS". I'm the last person who can recommend a place for them.

BUT here are some links to a couple of EXCELLENT sites that are totally geared toward the family and friends of a bipolar person and what they can/cannot do to help their bipolar loved one. Also contains information to help YOU understand the "whys", educate yourself and your children about the disorder and DEFEND YOURSELVES against allowing HER sickness make YOU sick too...

http://www.bpso.org/

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer? pagename=about_helping

http://stanford.wellsphere.com/wellpage/children-of-bipolar- parents

Just remember - she's not a monster - her brain is "wired" in a way that causes her to be erratic and damaging. There's no cure, but it CAN be controlled and she CAN be stable and loving and a FANTASTIC mother. Somebody needs to help her understand that if she wants to LIVE instead of just EXIST, she needs to get on medication. PRONTO.

Hang in there toots... I wish nothing but peace of mind for you, your children AND your ex-girlfriend.

Post edited by: kimminentdanger, at: 02/02/2009 22:43