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AzygousWolf Posts: 7
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so… I’m lying to my Psychologist... I was referred to him for assessment and ongoing therapy for my bipolar... I put on such a good fucking show for him (and everyone else) that sometimes I walk away… and almost find myself convinced sometimes that I’m “stable” just like I pretend to be… I lie to pretty much everybody… all the time… most of my lies are based in truth though… it’s easier to remember them that way… and I’m even able to explain and talk about things I dont know/understand but still make it sound convincing… I can read most people like a book after 5 minutes... even from a cold approach (walking straight up to them and not even knowing their name) I fake most of the emotions I have... I fake all the emotions I have outside of my apartment... I should start being honest with my Head shrinker… actually show him what I write in my notebook… the things I think about… I haven’t had a single session where I haven’t lied to him about something… or manipulated him in some way to meet my own ends… and because, hell, it’s just fun. I only go because I’m “required” to anyway to get my disability for being bipolar… and I know he has no idea I am lying to him because he has reduced our sessions from once a fortnight to once every 6 weeks at my request. I still get paid the same... I put in 1/3rd the effort... I don't know anyone else bipolar to ask if this is "normal"... Is this a bipolar thing...? or am I just nuts and the sociopath that I kept getting called back at high school...? whats wrong with me...? |
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bfly Posts: 4061
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I think you are being very hard on yourself... We all pretend sometimes (I realize u said all the time) but we want what we want and what we often want is control. I've been there. It wasn't until I accepted my illness- that I really had bipolar disorder- which took six years from the time I was diagnosed till the time I tried to off myself... If you want to know recovery than honesty is very important... With yourself and your docs. Nothing is "wrong with you" you are as human as the rest of us... Reacting the best way you know how. I do wish you. Kyle find some peace with the illness- which I know is a bi**h to deal with sometimes... Glad you found us here- keep posting and let us support you. Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Kahlil Gibran
"The sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being." Carl Jung
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” Leo F. Buscaglia
"Always fall in with what you're asked to accept. Take what is given, and make it over your way. My aim in life has always been to hold my own with whatever's going. Not against: with."
Robert Frost
"God doesn't give us more than we can handle, I just think He overestimates my strength!" lol- me
Bipolar I, PTSD, Bulimia, Anxiety, Fibromyalgia
Lithium 1500 mg; Lamictal 400mg; Busparone 60 mg; Armour Thyroid 30; Visteril as needed |
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MBPRLY  Posts: 254
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Hello Izy, Azy.... I'm going to give you two different opinions. Sorta like the Matrix, you can the Red pill or the blue pill. Blue Pill version: You keep on as you have telling the doctor whatever you feel you need to to get what you want. The problem with this, is you get no real help and possibly make yourself worse. Which in the end will lead you to the red pill because you'll be so far gone, you'll seriously need the help. Red Pill version: You cut the bullshit, be honest with your doctor, maybe not show him pandora's box just yet, but be honest with him/her and tell that that you haven't been being honest because you've been "so confused and scared". You get yourself on the right track and start getting the proper care to help yourself get better. The symptoms you have, the lying, I could be wrong, but is a form of mania. You keep lying, almost to the point were you may be starting to believe the lies you're telling. Let me ask you this. Do you want to get better? Is there anything actually wrong with you? I mean, do you fabricate everything just to be out on disability. I don't know and I certainly am not and would not say you were or were not suffering from real symptoms that are causing you to lie. I guess if it were me, I'd want help. I hate the way I feel sometimes and I want to get better. But what is better? Is better being on medication that prevents you from having severe symptoms or is better being told noting is wrong with you and it's all in your head? But what's really going to bake your noodle is would you have broke the vase if I didn't tell you about it! I woke up this morning thinking I'm not the guy I use to be yesterday, but the guy I want to be tomorrow.
“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
― Dr. Seuss |
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centerseeker Posts: 2852
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It really is up to you. If you want help and to feel better you need to be honest. I struggle with this sometimes. Not so much with my psychiatrist (pdoc) as my therapist (tdoc). I am always honest about my moods with my pdoc but sometimes I catch myself just wanting to show my tdoc how much progress I have made, how together I am. I am stable now mood-wise but still have a lot to work out. If I am honest and stay honest with my tdoc, she can help me. If not I am just chatting up a stranger for 50 minutes. But don't be so hard on yourself. I would bet any amount of money that lot's of people are where you are. We spend so much time trying to convince ourselves and others that all is fine that it becomes, as my pdoc said at one point when I was denying a depression, a learned habit. I wish you well in your choices and treatments. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanore Roosevelt
"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." Jack Kornfield
"My goal in life is to be the person my dogs think I am" anonymous
bipolar/ADD
Depakote 1250 mg
Cymbalta 120 mg
propranolol 20 mg
geoden 160
I quit smoking May 28th 2012! |
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christianink
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Center, I do mask, to a point, and then I almost always end up finding some tears running down my face. Because few meds actually work for me AND I simply won't take fat meds as diabetes runs in my family (combined with vanity) we get down pretty low. I always go into her office with a bag of nibbles for her and a high end outfit. So, I look great. I can fake it like you cannot believe. I always know the meds I've not tried, those I won't go on, and what I would like to try. It's weird, but I tend to know more then her about the specific meds! I guess they have so many to remember. I suppose I may be shooting myself in the foot and with no doctor wife to bounce things off of, I'll find out real fast! Will you rush to Kansas and give me a hug? C |
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Joy75 Posts: 15656
Group Leader
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I think you should be honest with your psychiatrist. Why suffer? You aren't stable, which you know, so try to get stable. Just my opinion. I don't think things are wrong with you, I think you are in denial. Bipolar gets worse with age. I take my medications and am very honest with my psychiatrist because I want to feel stable. Do you not want to be stable? Do you like how you are feeling? Take your notes that you write down and show them to your psychiatrist. It will be so much better for you in the end. Faking it is really exhausting. I used to do it too. Joy, 37 years old
Blog:
http://www.joylepley.blogspot.com
Email:
simplyjoyful75@gmail.com
Bipolar type 2 and ADD
300mg Wellbutrin
200mg Lamictal
40mg Viibryd
15mg Abilify
I AM NEITHER A PSYCHIATRIST OR PSYCHOLOGIST. I AM HERE FOR THE SAME REASONS YOU ARE. TO GIVE AND RECEIVE SUPPORT. WHAT I SAY IS PURELY MY OPINION. PLEASE CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR FOR MEDICAL ADVICE.
Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life. – Carrie Fisher |
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Eric17 Posts: 358
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I agree with the above. I am a great actor when it's appropriate to protect myself and others from 'seeing' what' going on in my head. BUT, I don't pretend with my Pdoc or Therapist. I am there to become well, I want to be well. When I am most cynical I remind myself that I am paying them damn good money to help me get better. I am not going to waste their time or my life by playing hide and seek with my problems. If you truly want to get better and live a good life, you have to work for it. Being totally honest with your docs is the best place to start... Good luck to you and remember, you are not alone in this. Eric Eric
Bipolar Affective Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, OCD
Currently (03/17/2011): Lithium, Temazepam, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Multi-vitamin, Fish Oil
Good Sleep Hygiene/Near Vegan/Exercise/Working to Limit Stress
This illness will not take from me again without a fight!
* "Doubt everything; find your own light" Siddartha Guatama Buddha |
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pip4p Posts: 123
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Your getting paid to be ill and making a joke of all of us who are bipolar. When you're ready to get serious about seeking support, let us know. |
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Intheshadows Posts: 150
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I agree with pip4p. |
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AzygousWolf Posts: 7
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... Pip4p, Intheshadows... I AM TYPE 1 BIPOLAR... screw you... I worked up the courage to join this stupid sight hoping I might actually be understood for once... hoping that I wouldn't be judged and abused for actually being honest about what I was thinking or how I felt... yes I've been lying to Psychologist, Yes I get an adrenaline kick out of it... at the time... how is it any different from impulse spending, or risk taking, or hhaving random unprotected sex with strangerd... do I think it's a joke... no... AND NO, IM NOT PROUD OF IT... but the only person I'm hurting is me if I didn't want help I wouldn't have posted in the first place... I hate myself for how I am... I've been trying to tell my Psych the truth about everything for a while now... I guess I was right in the first place though... I shouldn't have joined this site... I was stupid to think I wouldn't be judged. thank you for showing me I shouldn't open up to anyone |
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