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02/01/2012 07:25 AM

Devastated

afuriouslife
afuriouslife  
Posts: 32
Member

Hi guys. I've only been here for about a week, but I honestly feel like I don't have anyone else I can turn to. I have been dealing with so many things on top of my disorder lately that it has really sunken me into a horribly depressive episode. I'm currently in a toxic on and off relationship that's been going on for three years. We get along about 50% of the time. I'm currently dealing with pending charges from an argument we got into last November that resulted in me smashing his windshield. He didn't want to press charges; he thought he would just make a report and the police would make me pay for it. He's an idiot to say the least.

My parents understandably hate him. They've seen all the pain and trouble he has caused me. It is different for me because I know how hard he has had it living with me and my condition. I've done a lot to him and said a lot that I wish I never did. But that isn't an excuse for either one of us. I've come to the conclusion that because I'm so terrified to be alone, I keep in contact with this person out of fear. I constantly feel entirely alone, like I'm the last person on earth. Almost like another species. I'm afraid that I will literally never be loved by anyone, so I cling on to whatever I can get. I don't even know if this person loves me. I'm at the point where I don't even believe it and I don't trust him, because every time he's nice he just turns his face and becomes a mean monster again.

Does anyone else feel this way? Everyone tells me that I am better off alone, but I'm too scared. I feel alone enough as it is, and I truly fear that I will never be loved by anyone. I look at myself and I can't seem to convince myself that it will any get any better. I'm afraid for my future. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've been unemployed for almost a year and I just feel like a complete failure at everything I try to do. So I cling on to him for whatever piece of "normalcy" that I can get. Which isn't much. I know I have an unhealthy fixation with being loved and abandonment issues, which just makes it all harder. I don't know where to even start fixing this.

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02/01/2012 08:11 AM
mem2427

You aren't alone in how you are feeling. I have abandonment issues and sometimes I feel like I am stuck in my relationship just because I am scared of being alone. I wish I had some great advice to give you. I know I am working with my therapist on those abandonment issues. I guess I would start with a therapist to help work on yourself and get stronger. Big hugs out to you.

02/01/2012 08:12 AM
sadchick
sadchick  
Posts: 92
Member

Hi furious! I can relate to a lot of your issues. I just got out of a toxic relationship I was in for 12 years off and on!!!!! I broke up w/him several times but kept going back b/c I was scared to be w/o him even though it hurt so much to be w/him. I felt so alone w/o him so I would go back thinking each time would be better, but each time was actually worse. I have abandonment issues also. I was so afraid to be w/o him and, like you, thought I would never find another. I decided to end the relationship permanently several months ago. That was the best decision I ever made!! I WILL NOT GO BACK AGAIN B/C I AM BETTER OFF W/O HIM! It took me soooooo long to realize that. I thought he could make me feel better and help me become stable again and HE was the only one who could do that. It was a horrible thing for me to think that way. I was just so used to all the toxic stuff and tried and tried thinking things would get better and I would be less depressed and less anxious,etc. The truth is HE was holding me back from getting better. I finally realized the ONLY WAY I was going to be able to start feeling better was to break it off forever. It was VERY difficult!!!!! But I walked away feeling happy! I felt free for the first time in 12 years!!! I wasted all that time on him and i'll never get it back, but I can now move forward and concentrate on MYSELF and healing and not having to think and obsess about him anymore!

That relationship almost destroyed me! It is so hard for me to realize all that he took away from me - my self esteem, confidence, independence...everything. I have also been unemployed for a year which has made me feel like a failure. I have had some very severe depressive episodes this past year. I can tell you that after the break up my life started looking up. If your relationship is this toxic I highly recommend breaking it off and taking care of YOURSELF! Yes, it will be extremely difficult and yes, you will grieve over the loss, but you will be a better person for it and you can give yourself the attention you need to get better. Please don't waste 12 years like I did...it's NOT worth it! Just my opinion and I know it's not easy, but you CAN do it! I know you can!

Sorry so long! Guess I needed to get that out! Remember YOU need to get better - can you do that w/him in your life? If not, let the relationship go and work on getting the help you need. Therapy has helped me...maybe you could try it?

I am so sorry for your dilemma and the depression. I know it all seems so bleak right now....i've been there and it does eventually get better! Peace and prayers to you!


02/01/2012 10:01 AM
centerseeker
centerseeker  
Posts: 2852
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I know, the overdone advice, but do you see a therapist? It sounds like you have a lot to work through. By your own admission this is a toxic relationship. Add that onto bipolar and I would say you have a great deal on your plate.

I hope you find a way to work this out. Glad you posted. Sometimes just writing things out can put them in some perspective.


02/01/2012 10:49 AM
yellowclocks
yellowclocks  
Posts: 181
Member

I strongly second Centerseeker on this. You made some great steps by recognizing that the relationship is toxic and by reaching out to us.

Not that it can substitute for a real intimate relationship, but you have us! You're not alone and we care about you!


02/01/2012 11:57 AM
afuriouslife
afuriouslife  
Posts: 32
Member

Thank you everyone for your replies, it really means a great deal to me. Sadchick, it sounds like our situations are written right out of the same book, nearly the same page! It is extremely hard. It is almost like my fear of being alone outweighs the pain and abuse I endure by staying. I've never been strong on my own. Maybe when I was younger, but after years of things building and building, I feel as though I have broken in half. I just don't have any strength left in me. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist, but it definitely isn't the same as a therapist. She is nice and all, but I don't feel like she truly cares like my former therapist did so I have been thinking of going back to her. Along with the forum I have found a support group at a local hospital that I am also thinking about attending. I have a friend who even offered to come with me because I do not do so well in certain social situations. I feel very pressured in situations like that and I tend to panic. My anxiety skyrockets even though I know we are all there for the right reasons and only to help each other.

Honestly I never thought in my whole life that I would share my feelings and issues with perfect strangers and have at least one person who knows exactly how I feel let alone a group of people. I guess I have been in the dark for a long time and I haven't been here too long, but all of you have already helped me so much.


02/01/2012 01:21 PM
Light68
Light68Posts: 520
Member

Just remember it is easy to stay in a bad relationship and very hard to leave. But it is the hard things in life we learn from the most...

Light, Love, Laughter


02/01/2012 01:24 PM
christianink

There are many times in life when it is simply healthier for all of us to be with ourselves. We always come out stronger. Think about it.

02/02/2012 04:10 PM
afuriouslife
afuriouslife  
Posts: 32
Member

I wish this was easy. I wish I could just change everything, but I can't, including him. Every day it hurts. I feel like it will hurt no matter what. He shows me absolutely no signs that he cares... then why does he even talk to me? I feel so disposable. Like I don't even exit. I already feel so invisible and he only makes it worse. I didn't think I could ever even feel worse. I just don't want this pain anymore. I always tell myself it isn't worth it, but my overwhelming lonliness is always louder.

02/02/2012 04:16 PM
Catbaloo
CatbalooPosts: 6811
Group Leader

You are worth more than a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad, who makes you feel disposable. You shouldn't settle for less than you deserve and you deserve a lot better than this.

My grandmother used to say that you can't meet Mr. Right while you are with Mr. Wrong. Good advice, I think.

She also used to say that you are far more alone with the wrong person than you ever could be on your own. I also think that is good advice.

Big hugs.

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