Bipolar Support Group

Son now 43 has had Bipolar Disorder I, all of his life. He was propely diagnosed about four years ago. His meds are now okay. Has a very good pdoc and access to a very good tdoc if he wants to. Has access to any treatment he may wish or need.

Been in clinic three times over the past year. Gets very stable, leaves clinic and takes meds only every so often and does not attend the day clinic as he said he would do. And is back in his usual abusive manner.

Just how long can I survive any more verbal abuse etc.? He does the usual and blames me.

How many times can I endure (yes endure) getting my hopes up that all will be okay with him, only to have my hopes dashed time and time again?

Has reached a point where I will have to back right off. I really do not want to see him again for the rest of my life.

My question: I am now 70 not able to bounce back as I usually did (well in a fashion). Also have bipolar mixed states, with anxiety and OCD. Am pretty depressed at present. Little concerned that this depression could slip into a dangerous situtation. General health is not good. Am I a bad person if I refuse to have any more to do with him? Because I want to live a life of peace?

Jennywren

That's really hard to say, Jenny. He is your son, and you might miss something by pushing away. I also clearly understand your need for peace. Does it need to be so starkly white or black? Is there a middle ground that can keep you together, yet give you peace? Ultimately it is your decision, all we can do is make suggestions.

Take Care.

Rob

Hi Jenny, Sorry to hear ur son is beig verbally abusive. It is the other way round for me,my mum is always emotionally abusing me. But most of the time its over the phone so its easier to deal with, for instance: if she starts i normally say talk to me when ur in a better mood n hang the phone up. The first few times of me doing this i felt really guilty as she is my mother at the end of the day, just like ur son is ur son so u feel completely torn. When i am physically with her it is harder to deal with but because i only see her a max of once a month i sort of just let everything go over my head despite really wanting to bite bk but then it doesnt give her any fuel to blame me further. I hope u can use these techniques with ur son. Bob

I'm not sure whether your son lives with you, but if he does, his moving out would be a great first step to a peaceful existence.

Secondly, calmy tell him when his behavior is unacceptable, then ask him to leave or hang up on him. If this is not effective, then explain to him how he should be acting and that until he treats you that way you will have little to no contact with him.

My son moving out made a world of difference in my anxiety level. It made him a better person too.

It sounds as though both of you have some recovering to do, and it's hard to do that when you two are around each other. While you can take some time to recuperate, and he can do the same, that doesn't necessitate you cutting him out of your life forever; you could take some distance for now and let him know you'll get in touch when you are less depressed.

Relationships improve so much when both people are healthy - speaking as the bipolar daughter, I know I had to recover and mature SO MUCH before I could get along with my mother, who has her own pack of neuroses. Also, I have to second the moving out: living with a healthy, loving boyfriend did wonders for my relationship with Mom too.

Best of luck, and we are all here for you.

Thankyou for all your responses - appreciated - gives me more to think about rather than the "tunnel" view I was having of the situation.

YorkieLove, he does have his own accommodation - very nice two bedroom flat. I am concerned he will do something which may end him up in jail. Mind you he could do just the same, whether I was in contact with him or not. If he is in jail more than six months I think it is, he may lose his government accommodation. This will mean the streets when he comes out. I cannot have him live here again, and I would think that that is the last thing he would want to do. Well I think so.

Yellowclocks, you say that "speaking as the bipolar daughter, I know I had to recover and mature SO MUCH before " My trouble with this is and probally the wrong one, is that I do not see why I need to change it is he who is the problem not me. He needs to take responability for his actions.

If he does not change then when I fall off my perch, he will abuse whoever comes close to him in his life. He does not have any particular friends, well can make friends with others who have addiction problems, but of course these relationships fall apart.

Now all that being said, he has just rung me from the day clinic. I will be with our pdoc (that works us seeing the same pdoc). Son says we should see a family relationship person. Well will talk with the pdoc about it on Wednesday. Son still says I am to blame.

Gee it is hard being a mother so sorry that I am one.

Jennywren

P.S will print out your comments and read them. They may make me see some sence.

Hi Jennywren, just to clarify - sorry! I didn't mean YOU needed to do a ton of fixing; I meant HE probably needs to recover the same way I did in order to appreciate how hard you've been trying to be there for him. Sorry! I didn't mean to make you more stressed or more upset. We offspring don't always recognize love when it's there for us.

Hey no worries Yellowclocks. Only took it in the light that you intended.

I know I am not inocent in this matter. However, I do still come back to, there would be no problems if he would see for himself, just how bad he is. But he will not.

Just had the 3rd call from him. He wants to tell me about his new Iphone. ie no one else to talk too? Or telling me into thinking he is justified in spending just over a AUS thousand dollars = US thousand for it. I have made no comment about the money.

Jennywren