Bipolar Support Group

I'm not sure I should be posting here because at this point, everything I'm going through could simply be related back to everything that's happened in the last few weeks and not truly bipolar related. But I'm at an absolute loss right now, and this truly is the only place I know to turn.

Things have been pretty rough for me starting the week before Christmas and things really haven't let up. I won't rehash everything, I've done more than my share of bitching about it all already, but last night topped it all when a friend of mine killed himself. I'm aware that his family is far worse off right now (on top of leaving, I'm told that he left a very, very grisly scene behind him) but this has absolutely dropped me. When does this shit end? There has to be an end, I really have nothing and no world left to crash down around me. Everything's gone, It's been nothing but a domino effect of shit crashing and falling apart since The week before Christmas.

I have a psych appointment tomorrow morning that I'm going to do my damndest to keep, but I'm honestly not sure I'll be in any shape to go. I didn't exactly want to be here before this, but the absolute shock of Trevor's suicide has set me off further and really left my grasp slipping. I've promised myself that I won't let it be an immediate chain reaction and that I won't do anything stupid before my psych appointment tomorrow which is why I really need to keep it if there's any way I can, I just, I don't know, I've been trying to wrap my brain around this for almost 24hours now and it's just not working. How does one keep their sanity in this situation? When my step-uncle committed back in '05 I had school to distract me, right now I have nothing and I was already slipping into depression, I don't know, I just don't know...What now? Sorry if this is absolutely incoherent, my brain doesn't seem to be functioning as much as it's going in circles right now...

Oh hun... I'm soooooo sorry for your loss and that things have been so challenging (to evidently say the least) for you of late. You are absolutely right in posting here- we are here support each other through everyday life. I sure hope you find the strength to make your appointment tomorrow- it's not always easy to reschedule, and it sounds like you need it right now. I hope things get better soon. I hope you find some good support around you- and you always have us. Hang in there. Life is a roller coaster- especially one which consists of a bipolar diagnosis- just snap on the seat restraints... and I hope you get to put your hands up high and enjoy the ride again soon...

BlackRoses, You are in shock. You brain is trying to comprehend the reality of your friend's suicide. The sudden traumatic loss of suicide both stuns and overloads the consciousness. Numbness and a sense of unreality is normal. So is a sense of being overwhelmed. Grief and loss are awakening on some level.

Posting is exactly the right thing to do. Reaching out is so important right now. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with people no matter how incoherent they seem is exactly what you need to be doing right now. Intuitively you know what to do to keep yourself safe: Keep your psych appointment tomorrow and continue to post and reach out to friends. It is also extremely important that you do not drink right now in order to maintain your stability as much as you can.

Please PM me at any time.

I second everything Sarahtroy says!

My condolences to your loss. I second what sarah has to say. In addition, are you doing or will you consider doing individual therapy, with a cognitive behavioral focus (CBT)? That has helped me greatly in controlling moods and responses to my environment. Talking out things with a therapist is a great complement to meds.

Bfly- thanks

Sarahtroy- I was down this road once in '05 and again in '06 with my 18yr old cousin, family's still divided on intent although her death was officially ruled an accidental OD. As much as I hate where I am now, it's where I know I'm going to be in another 24-48hours that scares me more. I know I need to keep the appointment, but it was debatable beforehand with my energy/motivation so low and now, well, I'm not sure I even know which way is up nor if I dare get behind the wheel. Funny you should tell me not to drink, I was when I found out and it's been nothing but a sheer lack of ability to function that's made moving at all difficult and allowed me to sober up. The next day or two will be the real test to that. I don't remember much for a few months after each of the other two...and I was both underage and in school at the time...I pray my therapist has some good measures short of commitment to keep me away from the local liquor store, I can only do a few days damage with what I have on hand. I don't want to drink, but I don't really want to be sober either right now despite the fact that I currently am.

NostalgicMom- Thanks, I would be, but one of the first things I learned that started this month from hell was that I was losing my therapist, she's officially done now but she's seeing me appointment by appointment as long as she can so I don't get lost in the shuffle or have a chance to drop out. She likely doesn't want to get into anything like that since every appointment could be our last and there is currently nobody else to take me on and so I will be without any kind of support except maybe an email here or there from her checking on me, for at least a few months when she can no longer work out time for both me and her new group. This scares me even more because I'm fast approaching a date that is very very difficult for me and I was hoping for increased appointments leading up to it even though I felt guilty for asking for at least weekly ones, to get me through and it now sounds that I'll be completely on my own. It is what it is I guess, I can't worry about that right now

I'm so, so sorry about your friend. I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry for your loss.

Please keep your appointment tomorrow. It's so important. It sounds like you need support, so I really hope you manage to make it. Any help you can get would be a good thing. Talking to your therapist beats the heck out of sitting around the house staring at the walls.

Try to avoid drinking, if you possibly can. Alcohol is a depressant and that's the very last thing you need right now.

I hope you make your appointment and I really hope that your therapist says or does something to help you get through this.

Big hugs.

You are in shock right now. I'm very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you are going through. I've lost friends before, but not to suicide. I would be really hurt I think and mad. I think you should FORCE yourself to go to the therapy appointment tomorrow. It's vital that you go. She can give you some ways to cope with this. You need a lot of support also. Get together with other friends of his and give each other support. You can come here and talk to us also. Try to keep busy so you can keep your mind occupied. You will get through this. It's not going to be easy, but you will. I would not drink during this time. You are stronger than you know and you will be okay. Drinking will only make it worse. As for the other stuff that you didn't have control over, I'm sorry that it has been awful for you. So many things happening at once. I experience that a lot and it's hard to cope, but you just go on and survive. I think that you need to look for a new therapist since you won't be seeing the one you are now seeing. This is very important to your mental health. Start looking now. You don't want to be without a therapist. I'm very glad you are reaching out to us and we will do anything we can to comfort you. I will say a prayer for you and his family and friends. We are here for you.

I agree with Joy - force yourself to go, it will help you.

I'm am so sorry for your loss - and hope he finds peace now, and that you will too.

Catbaloo- Thanks, I did manage to keep today's appointment, but I'm afraid it was pretty much a bust as far as giving me any sort of solutions or making me feel any better which was probably my fault, it's my father's birthday today, I haven't spoken to him in over a year now due to seemingly insurmountable family problems and so it was sort of a double whammy and I was majorly out of sorts today and then I spent almost an hour in a far too crowded (for me, it only ranged from 4-8 people...pathetic much?) Waiting room because the other group my therapist is now running ran later than she planned, things just didn't go well, she had heard of the death but only asked if I wanted to talk about how it made me feel, not much to say there I'm afraid. I know logically that alcohol is the last thing I need right now, but quite honestly it's one of the only things I want.

Joy75- Thanks, I did go, didn't get any sort of help/coping ideas though unfortunately, if anything I think I feel worse. I'm not quite sure how I made it through, one foot in front of the other I guess, all that matters is somehow making it through. I was told today though that I should have someone new by the end of the month, if not, I have another appointment with my current therapist for the first week of Feb unless it's snowing/freezing rain in which case I've been told to check my email ( I don't blame her, at 60km/40mi she lives quite a ways away from the clinic). She's supposed to email me with an update from the psychiatrist before then though since I only have just under 2 weeks left on his initial prescription and he didn't order any refills because he wanted to see how I reacted to it, I'm praying she doesn't get sidetracked. She also informed me that her new position is only a 3 month cover and if the lady who left comes back like she's supposed to then I'll be switched back to her unless I really like the new person and want to stay. It might be a small thing, but it's the first good news I've heard in a long time, I needed that today!

JustJulie62-Thanks, I hope he finally found peace too.