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12/30/2011 05:11 PM

Waking up on bloody carpets

Unforgiven
Posts: 5
Member

Though I now know I've had this disorder at least since I was a teenager, I didn't get proper treatment until I was in my forties. For about 20 years I was treated for depression and anxiety, and surprise, I got worse. It wasn't until I was in a good hospital and had a fantastic Dr. who figured out what was wrong. Of course I look back and I'm embarrassed and humiliated by the way I acted. Until, recently this was a secret between me and my past. Then two years ago, I had a hypomanic, to manic, to psychotic episode that landed me in a psych hospital. I'm married.

Without the salacious details, (I can provide them if need be), before the hospital, I went through the litany of behaviors; staying awake days at a time, engaging in risky behavior, spending sprees, changing occupations overnight, flying into rages etc. Now those actions, symptoms, behaviors, depending on your point of view, are weapons.

As a result of my most recent episode, I'm underemployed, and have been trying to get a job - for 2 years. Life has changed and I know it's my fault, and I've apologized, and apologized to the point where I don't know what else I can say or do. Should I look the wrong way, buy something small, say the wrong thing, I get stabbed with something I did or just a general, "You were awful to me, do you know what you did, do you know that you disappeared for 2 days and don't remember where you were, etc." Despite, numerous, apologies and assurances that I will never stop taking that pile of pills, I keep getting stabbed. Has anyone else had this happen? The person you live with and love the most, uses your disorder as a weapon? I've tried to say that we can't constantly relive the past, it doesn't do either of us any good, but I just get stabbed again.

Advice?

I'm new here and I'll list my meds because seeing what others are on, is helpful in understanding the range of treatments within the disorder, Bipolar I. Oh my Dr. said no matter how depressed I get, he can't give me anything but the Wellbuterin, which can be rough since Effexor really worked well when I was depressed, Wellbuterin, not so much.

Lithium 900mg

Lamictal 200 mg

Wellbuterin 300 mg

Klonipin 2 mg

Inderal 60 mg

Lunesta as needed(does't really work)

Seroquel 25 mg to 300 mg XR depending

Geodon injections in hospital

http://youtu.be/0AnNc3zB2zY

(having trouble figuring out how to embed a video on this site)

Post edited by: Unforgiven, at: 01/01/2012 12:00 PM

Post edited by: Unforgiven, at: 01/01/2012 12:02 PM

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12/30/2011 05:23 PM
YorkieLove
YorkieLove  
Posts: 7033
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I believe you both could benefit from individual and couples counseling It sounds like she is still resentful.

12/30/2011 05:35 PM
sarahtroy
sarahtroy  
Posts: 14315
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Hi Unforgiven, Welcome to MDJ. This is a very supportive, encouraging and informative group. If you ever have any questions, please feel free to send a personal message (PM) to me or any other group leader.

I am so sorry about the pain you feel. I am struck by your undefended, wounded, apologetic self and wonder where your anger is. My advice is to try couple's therapy. If you have already tried couple's therapy or if it fails, I would pursue, or continue to pursue, individual therapy aggressively.


12/31/2011 01:20 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16594
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

How awful for you to endure this after you have sought treatment for it. I'm sorry that these things of the past have become weapons. It really sucks when you apologize and apologize and do all you can do to make up for something and it is still used against you. I really believe that couples counseling like Yorkie said will benefit you. I can only imagine what you are going through with the constant reminder of your past. You have an illness that at points you can't control. You have take action though and are doing all the right things as far as treatment goes. You should be given some credit for this. I hope things get better for you and you are not constantly getting these things used against you. I'm really sorry about this and I'm sure it hurts tremendously.

12/31/2011 01:36 PM
JustJulie62
JustJulie62Posts: 925
Member

My husband keeps bringing up the past - and we have a very short history together - yet he admits to his contributions - he can't seem to leave the past the in the past. I just showed him an article in Psychology Today about not pointing blame on your partner and living in the present. It seemed to jolt him a little - then he was quick to say "I don't do that"...but his expression of shame said more.

It does not help us to heal when our past mistakes keep getting rubbed in our noses. Counseling is a good option, but communication between us needs to stay in focus too.

Feeling for you.....


01/01/2012 12:15 PM
Unforgiven
Posts: 5
Member

Thanks, you are all so kind, this is a really nice place. We had couples therapy off and on for years, and one therapist said she'd work with my wife one on one with some issues, since she couldn't or wouldn't talk about getting past them. I suppose then, she can't store them in her quiver whenever I need to be put in my place.

I see a wonderful psychiatrist who is also a therapist every week. Ironically, he noted last week, that while she's always dying to know everything that's said at each session and wants desperately to know what was said about her, we haven't talked about her. I haven't tried to blame her for anything, we just try to figure out how I got where I am, and how to move forward.

Looks like maybe we'll be talking about this next week. Oh, he did mention something about my being the Identified Patient in the relationship and her not wanting to let go of that role. I"m also going to look for the Psychology Today article - maybe its online somewhere. Thanks - all good advice.

BTW I added a link to a video - apparently I'm not the only one to whom this has happened.

http://youtu.be/0AnNc3zB2zY

Post edited by: Unforgiven, at: 01/01/2012 12:19 PM


01/01/2012 06:28 PM
j1701
 
Posts: 140
Member

It sounds to me that you're not being treated fairly by your wife. It's been two years and you were undiagnosed at the time! I agree with others that couples counseling or counseling for her is a must. I realize that we cause an enormous amount of pain to those we love along with the pain we're in when manic but weaponizing an episode isn't right - it can actually trigger other episodes. I can understand her weaponizing things at first as feelings and relationships are badly hurt, trust is damaged, and absolute confusion reigns regarding "what the hell just happened?!" That confusion would've been doubly so for you and her because it was something that happened when you weren't aware of the illness (it's something me and my SO went through recently as well as I had an episode and it almost destroyed us because neither he nor I understood what was happening) but once it's understood things are change and get better and two years is well past the time for forgiveness to be a priority.

For whatever reason, it doesn't sound like she's truly come to terms with the fact that you're suffering a genuine physical illness and that those actions were due to that illness -- that your illness is no different than diabetes, heart disease, and any number of conditions that are biologically based. Does she understand that bipolar isn't something that is a character flaw or spoiled behavior? That it's just as real as Alzheimer's? This is one route I'd really pursue and it might be best if you could get the doctor(s) to tell her about it's physical/biological basis so that it comes from an authority rather than you.


01/02/2012 06:56 AM
Unforgiven
Posts: 5
Member

Thank you. I love her more than she believes. She saved my life, got me to a hospital, got a great Dr. After the dust settled, and I was released, I don't think she trusts me anymore. I go to the office, I come home on time, I work hard at not doing anything that might upset her. I can't explain why I did what I did, but now maybe someone, a Dr. or the spouse/significant other of another BP I, can help.

01/02/2012 08:09 AM
aeylania
aeylania  
Posts: 649
Member

I hope you two can work this out. It definitely isn't fair to continuously be reminded of mistakes you made in the past when you were not in treatment for your disorder, but she may just not know how to handle it and move past it. Perhaps it would be beneficial for her to get a little therapy on her own, or in conjunction with couple's therapy, so she can learn how to move past it.

My husband occasionally uses my BP as a weapon, especially when we're discussing money, so I know where you're coming from. He tries not to do it, but its hard sometimes to truly understand what it means to have this disorder and live with it. Good luck!

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