Bipolar Support Group

does anyone out there ever just feel ugly? i've been feeling this way for a long time now and i can seem to shake it. i feel ugly on the inside and i feel ugly on the outside. i used to have a certain level of confidence that stayed with me... manic, baseline or depressed, at least i was always able to put on a good front. it's gotten harder and harder to do that. actually, it's become impossible. i look in the mirror and hate what i see.

this seemed to start with my diagnosis. it has been established that i was bipolar long before my dx, but this feeling came along only once i knew. i guess my question is how do you shake it? how do you find a way to accept yourself again once someone (or several someones) have told you you're broken? how do you find beauty and acceptance in what you are?

Post edited by: countrymouse, at: 01/23/2009 11:07

Post edited by: countrymouse, at: 01/23/2009 11:07

cm i feel that way all of the time i have put on weight cause of the meds so that has greatly lowered my self esteem i think when i feel that way on the inside it makes me feel that way on the outside and vice versea i feel bad on the inside because of having to take meds not being able to get out and socialize like i used to i have turned into a hermit and pushes alot of people away i don't like myself at all anymore

Post edited by: Trishy, at: 01/23/2009 11:17

I was feeling this way too. And just generally sluggish. I looked at my face in the mirror while I was drinking from a fountain and hated the way I looked. I'm getting older. And thanks to lovely drugs, I'm heavier than in my good days, although I have been loosing some of the weight.

Then there's the inside. How to feel beauty on the inside? I feel most beautiful when I'm outside on a warm summer's day looking at the Victorian houses I live by. Or in the mountains of Yellowstone national park. But in that case, it is nothing about me. Its the beauty of God's creating I feel. I don't know what your religous beliefs are, so I pray you'll forgive me if you don't agree. But I know the bible says something like "beauty is fleeting, and charm is deceptive".

But don't we all long for beauty. If we're women, I think we tend to long to be a beauty - no matter what we look like. And I'm not that on the outside. But I pray that God will make me that on the inside (for I know I'm not right now, in the state I'm in).

Hope you don't mind me going on and on, but its something I think a lot about. Its almost as though we become most beautiful when we forget about beauty altogether in favor of something outside ourselves. But here's me with my makeup and clothing and everything else. So its a battle.

i understand the weight gain makingyou feel ugly....i gained 40 lbs from risperdal....so im trying a cocktail wo an antipsychotic this time...

I am going to have to learn to love myself before i can feel confident in myself again and i ma just not there yet

I feel ugly alot mostly outside ugly. I too am getting older and when I look in the mirror all I see are my flaws. I pray no one else sees me the way I do. My eyebrows are all growing out and looking shabby and my wrinkles are more evident everyday. My cheeks and chin sag from the many weight loss and weight gains thanks to eating disorders and meds. I feel so ugly on the outside that I wonder how people can love me but I know inside I am lovely and that must be what people see when they look at me.

i don't feel so much ugly as i do undesireable. does that make sense. i look at myself or think about myself and i think, ugh...i'm a wreck.

thanks for all of your posts, it's hard to know that i'm not alone, and i don't wish this feeling on anyone

for me it has gone beyond the weight gain from meds, aging, even hair loss (biggie). it's an over all feeling of failure to be beautiful, a failure to see past my flaws and into my soul. i know i have inner beauty, but i cant feel it.. i know that i have outer beauty, but can no longer see it. there is something that weighs heavily on my spirit and i think it's partially because i have not accepted the bp. i know that i am bipolar, i just hate it, i cant see past it. i have destroyed my life on more then one occasion with the help of bp.

Post edited by: countrymouse, at: 01/23/2009 11:52

Post edited by: countrymouse, at: 01/23/2009 11:55

I can totally relate. Over the past 4 years since my dx I have been on meds that have caused me to gain weight. I've lost it afterward, but the yo-yo weight gain-weight loss is tiring.

Right now I've gained again. I thought it was the Wellbutrin, but I'm off of it and still gaining. My pdoc says it was not the med but the huge amount of stress I've been under that's causing me to eat more.

When I look in the mirror I want to throw up. I don't even want my husband to come near me because I feel so ugly and fat.

I am 43 and look even older. My hair and eyebrows are greying and I see wrinkles all over. Not to mention my hair falling out partly due to meds and partly due to genetics. I used to look young for my age, but the past four years have aged me at LEAST 10. When I see pictures of myself even only a few years ago, I can't believe how OLD I look now compared to a short time ago.

As far as on the inside, I feel THAT is ugly too. I'm depressed all the time and SO unmotivated to do anything. My husband will comment every so often about how I don't take care of the house the way I should and that just adds to the feeling of ugliness.

Overall I have a huge amount of self-loathing and I hope someday I can come to accept who I am and like myself.

Post edited by: debiski, at: 01/23/2009 11:57

hi countrymouse!

i gotta tell you toots, i feel ugly myself right now... it doesn't matter how i look on the outside, its how i feel inside, and the mistakes i make in life that make me feel ugly...

i feel your pain, and i wish i could take it away from you...