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12/17/2011 07:27 PM

The Story Of Life

IDoNotKnow
IDoNotKnow  
Posts: 23925
VIP Member

I don't know how to start this and I don't know what to say.

I am trying to be positive.

Things could get better.... Things also could get worse... I mean nothing is being done so I need a miracle for it to get better.

First of all I apologize if I concerned anyone with my previous thread.

I am feeling desperate, hopeless, helpless and alone. I thought if I left everyone alone I would do all of you a great big favor.

Doctors cannot help me.

Maybe the illness has brought me into a "mixed" state or simply a depressed state. I just thought of that. I have depressive thoughts for sure but voices that are telling me TERRIBLE TERRIBLE things. It is taking everything in me to write this. I am so weak. I was not able to eat today and yesterday I was very sick and for weeks before that I tried to eat but was just sick. I am seeing fine and then I see darkness. I am dizzy. I need fluids so badly. My stomach doctor was no help. I can barely move. I feel like God has left my side. My parents are far away on a cruise. My siblings are too young to take care of me but they are trying hard. They are worried and they don't know how sick I am. My thoughts are dark because of what has been going on. I don't think I have been this sick before. I have not slept in several nights and I need sleep desperately. I cannot think. I don't know what to do next. The seizures take the energy that I did have from me. Maybe I am not mixed. Maybe I am depressed and hearing voices because I am not sleeping. People are following me. I cannot escape. I cannot hide. I just cry quietly. It is torture and this is living hell. I don't know why I am writing this. I need this to end. I keep saying that but it isn't happening. I feel crazy like this world is not real. It can't be right? My personal Christmas wish is to be seizure free, stop vomiting, be pain free, headache free and have the Lupus flare end. Is that too much to ask?

God Bless You For Caring

I guess I don't expect you to post.

I feel alone but there really isn't anything to say.

You have all helped me so much and I have already posted so much.

I apologize for that.

It is good I am on medical leave from school because there is no way I could work.

The room is spinning and I feel like I am going to pass out.

Have you felt this way?

So many people suffer so much more than I do.

I have to get over it right?

I can't though. This isn't something I can ignore. It is all I can think about. I am sorry for being selfish. I cannot function. I cannot do the things I love. I have no quality of life. None. I guess time goes on but I just watch the clock. I sit on my bed with my computer. Sometimes I can't do that.

There is no magic pill. There is nothing right?

The endoscopy reviled nothing. There was a little stomach irritation but that is all. He seemed so calm. I just hear him say "if anything". Now I am crying again. What does that mean? He won't find anything and I won't feel better?

Time goes on and I sit on my bed with my computer in tears, in pain, sick.... Time goes on...

Post edited by: IDoNotKnow, at: 12/17/2011 08:09 PM

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12/17/2011 07:35 PM
Catbaloo
CatbalooPosts: 6829
Group Leader

I'm truly sorry that you are feeling so bad, IDNK. I wish I could help you. Hang in there, okay?

12/17/2011 09:19 PM
jennywren
jennywrenPosts: 3163
Senior Member

IDoNotKnow, please do take yourself off to the ER. If you can get in touch with your pdoc, is good ie let him know what is going on.

Please..please go to the ER.

Jennywren

P.S You have been a wonderful help to many of us who use Mdjunction - tis time you looked after youself


12/17/2011 11:45 PM
SomewhereInCalifornia
SomewhereInCalifornia  
Posts: 397
Member
I'm an Advocate

IDNK,

IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS YET. WHY DON'T WE MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, FIRST.

CALL YOUR SIBLINGS INTO YOUR ROOM AND TELL THEM THAT YOU'RE CALLING 911 BECAUSE THEY CAN SEND MEDICAL HELP TO YOUR HOUSE; AND IF FOR SOME REASON YOU CAN'T, THEY NEED TO CALL THEM FOR YOU.

TRUST ME, THEY WILL BE RELIEVED TO HAVE SOME GROWNUPS TAKE OVER.

GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO DO: GETTING ALL YOUR MEDICATIONS TO SHOW TO THE EMTS WOULD HELP, AND ANOTHER COULD GET YOU SOME WATER SIP ON, AND ANOTHER COULD GET SOME COOKIES FOR A TREAT (ALTHOUGH, THEY MIGHT WANT TO EAT THEM OUTSIDE YOUR BEDROOM…..AS FOOD TENDS TO MAKE SICK PEOPLE QUEASY. OR LET THEM WATCH A LATE NIGHT SHOW THAT'S PG.

THE BEST THING THAT YOU CAN DO IS THUMB YOUR NOSE AT ANY EFFING SHADOW OR VOICE BECAUSE YOU ARE FIGHTING NOT ONLY FOR YOURSELF BUT FOR YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS. THE BEST THING I EVER DID WAS DECIDE TO MAKE CERTAIN THAT MY KID BROTHER KNEW THAT HE WAS A WORTHWHILE HUMAN BEING……AND THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT WAS TO BELIEVE THAT I WAS WORTH IT TOO. IT'S WHAT HELPED ME SURVIVE


12/18/2011 05:09 AM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42707
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

IDNK, my friend, you are going through hell right now, I know, and it's hard not to feel like life is too hard to cope with. It seems that so many things are wrong with your physical health on top of your mental health and that is a prescription for hopelessness. But please try to remember that not all doctors are the same. Some doctors are far more aggressive in seeking answers to difficult cases. They aren't easily satisfied with initial negative test results when faced with a patient who is obviously suffering. Keep looking for a doctor who will listen and look harder. Don't give up hope.

You also have all the classic symptoms of being severely dehydrated and should go to the ER. They will hook you up to an IV and get you re-hydrated. That alone will help you feel a little better. Since you cannot keep even liquids down there is no other alternative.

We love you and care very much about your well being and your state of mind right now. Please know that. I will say it again, don't lose hope. There is a doctor out there who will figure out what is really wrong and help you. Please keep looking.


12/18/2011 06:25 AM
MsAspiring
MsAspiring  
Posts: 1610
Senior Member

I ditto what everyone else has said. It is time to go to the ER. You will feel a little better once they hook an iv up to you. As someone else said, it is time to look after you. Take your computer if you want so you can keep us updated. We are all here for you. Big hugs going out to you!

12/18/2011 07:16 AM
IDoNotKnow
IDoNotKnow  
Posts: 23925
VIP Member

Mom says to go to the ER. I guess I will go when my sister gets home. I am scared. I don't know if I should do this.

Post edited by: IDoNotKnow, at: 12/18/2011 07:17 AM


12/18/2011 03:26 PM
SomewhereInCalifornia
SomewhereInCalifornia  
Posts: 397
Member
I'm an Advocate

She went to the ER and is home now, but has been having seizures the whole time. She is online with me but hopefully she's asleep.

And IDNK, if you read this, this is not just about you-it's for all of us if we ever need help-you'll know when it's an emergency and there's no one else around who can help. Scary thought but helpful. And I don't think of it as an invasion of privacy……it's like that bat signal…..it's only used if……...

So…..April probably knows this but Roy and Alon have our real names and addresses and if it warrants an emergency can call for help. I've only seen it happen once………but everyone should know that. Hopefully. it still works that way.

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