i just do not understand

I have found that just when I feel that I am strong, that my walls of protection are structurally impenetrable, when I honestly believe I am "over" him, can be happy and survive without his love, and am actually fairly content without him - here he comes again… Making all the same promises he had made in the past, proclaiming his everlasting love and devotion for me. Then Wham Bam! I find my wall was not as structurally sound as I thought nor was and I was not as strong as I thought. For whatever reason I crumble and welcome him back with open arms all the while knowing the words and promises I am once again hearing are the same lies told to me before and the same promises broken time and time again. Hmmm… Co-dependency? According to my therapist the answer is yes. As for whether I am convinced I am a co-dependent - the jury is still out as I have not read enough material on the matter to make an informed and educated decision (this may offend some of you, but I am not one of those that believe just because someone has M.D. behind their name they are all knowing and right about everything and this includes therapist). I am not sure if this needs to be clarified or not but I am the one who has always left him (three different times). He has never left me.

If someone were to ask me if I love myself I could, and can, honestly say yes - I do love myself! Do I have self-respect? You’re damn right I do! What does either of those things have to do with why I let him back in my life? Absolutely nothing!

A person who remains with someone they love who abuses them verbally, emotionally or physically, and accepts, makes excuses for the abuser and allows the abuser to continue to abuse them is more likely than not a co-dependent or a battered person. On the other hand if we are discussing a person with a mental illness, who is emotionally and/or verbally abusive or both but recognizes and acknowledges their abusive behaviors and actively seeks professional help and treatment - would the person who remains in this relationship (where the abuse could be repeated) be a co-dependent, dysfunctional, self loathing, or have no self-respect? I guess we will have to leave that one up to the professionals to answer and even then I am sure not all would agree on one single answer.

I guess where I am trying to go with this is that for every question answered another takes its place. A vicious cycle in one form or another we often find ourselves in. At some point in time we will all be forced to face that that torments us, find a way to conquer it and if we cannot conquer our tormentor then we must learn to come to terms with it – whatever or whoever, that which torments us, may be.

There is no doubt that witch ever path you chose - your journey is going to be a difficult one. Good Luck and Blessings!

Lustrious

You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself and showing others how you are feeling. This is a rare gift - thank you for sharing it with us! {

Desperatentampa-

Hooray for you for sticking to your guns tonight. It is very hard but you have taken a step you have struggled to take.

When I was in an abusive relationship (ex husband, that was my "normal", and I had excuses and reasons why I couldn't/didn't leave. When my ex began using crank regularly, I was done. No way was I going to put my boys through that. (But drinking excessively / raging, throwing and breaking things were acceptable? Don't ask me to justify it - I simply can't)

Anyway, I look back now and realize I am a very different person. I found some friends, tried drinking for a while (didn't work - big surprise, huh?) and then began to rebuild my life. I am remarried with 5 wonderful boys and things are good more than they are bad. Life is not perfect, but if anyone tells you their marriage is perfect - they are LYING! (Or newlyweds).

Don't mean to blather on - just wanted you to know you can get past this. Writing letters to her to let her know how much she has hurt you may help. You can throw them out and not mail them - the writing is cathartic. (Is that the correct use of that word? My husband would call it a "$10 word")

Keep the faith; you can do what is best for you and the children.

Karen

"Do these people yes they are people bi-polar chemically embalanced or whatever you want to group them do they know what LOVE is?"

I was diagnosed BP NOS this past Oct. I loved my husband with all of my heart and soul- I still love him but I do not trust him with me any longer! I was never verbally or emotionally abusive to him first. I did; however, Rage right back at him when he would scream, curse and call me filthy names - then I would in turn scream, curse and call him filthy name too. It took me a while to figure out that I was living in an insane situation. Talk about severe anxiety - I became an emotional wreck, could not sleep sometimes for well over 48 hours, and became obcessed with trying to figure out just what the hell happened to change my marriage and my life in what seemed over night! I ended up falling into a depression feeling nothing but despair, hopelessness and helplessness and of course several thoughts of suicide on a daily basis, I did not want to get out of bed and on many days never even got dressed. Oh yeah - I was in bad shape!

Anyway back to your question quoted above - Yes Yes Yes people with BP can and do love just as much as anyone else - at least that is the case with me.

I am a woman and I despise drama and games! I don't play games and I don't appreciate it when someone tries to play me! As for the drama... what is the point? All it does is wear a person down and nothing good can come from it! such a waste of time and energy that could be spent doing somthing positive or just enjoying listening to a bird singing. Although I have known some drama queens - I believe they are called hystionic (sp) personalities.

Not sure I would count on the ignoring her would make her become more honest and forthcoming... from what you have written she cannot even get honest with herself so how could she or why would she "get honest" with you or anybody else? If you feel it is worth a try then go for it - just don't count on it I would hate to see you get your hopes up only to be let down once again.

Lustrious

If she is in mania just ignoring her may even be percieved as a chalange and she may just change tactics. Obsessive compulsive nature tends to rear it's head.

I believe that my wife probably has felt her emotions even more deeply than I, the bipolar can take out the road blocks that stop me from reaching those deeper levels. There are times I am envious of this.

RED