Bipolar Support Group

finally I got my diagnosis--a few months ago actually. I have been diagnosed with a "severe psychopathalogical disorder", where my mood disorder, anxiety and paranoia play the biggest role.

right now I'm on a combination of 3 drugs;

- Valproic acid (Depakine) as a mood stabilizer

- Methylphenidate (Ritalin) to keep my mind at ease

- Risperidone to take care of my anxiety & paranoia and prevention of developing further schizophrenic traits

I feel like quiting all this medicine. So far, it has only brought other issues into my life. For a while all went well, especially when I first start a certain kind of medication. Instead of helping the issue, it just replaces it with another. I suffered from severe depressive episodes and awful fears, but now I still get depressed, (eventhough not as severely as I used to), and especially in the evening I lose all motivation and lust for life. I simply don't know what to do. I kind of want to "start over", I guess. I want to stop all medication and be like a blank canvas. But I know that would probably end up badly...

When I started the Ritalin I'd get motivated again and my mind would stop racing and over-thinking, but that stopped after 3 weeks. I'm on 3 times the dose I was when I started like 1 or 2 months ago, but it's still the same story.

My mood stabilizer has prevented me from slipping into a severe depression, but during those depressions atleast my mind calmed down and I wasn't constantly living on some kind of emotional edge between depression and stability. In a way it felt more comfortable.

Risperidone helps me be less suspicious and has kept me calm and at ease in a way... No complaints so far.

I also think my psychologist and psychiatrist have a hard time taking me seriously, because sometimes I sit there and I'm a happy fella that has a feeling of progress and happiness, and at other times I'm depressed or simply a wreck--I feel like it seems asif they think I fake it or whatever. On top of that I simply can't talk about my feelings.

All of my issues have prevented me from working, making music, studying, making friends... basicly, everything a 20 year old should be doing. It's starting to get a little too much.

Post edited by: Vinterblod, at: 12/04/2011 11:33 AM

Hey Mate, I can empathize with your position. In my experience at least the whole journey is spattered with moments such as the one you're describing. It does however get better in my opinion, it's an entire paradigm shift for ones mind early on in life. You mention music, if you love it chase it, that can only be a good thing, and if your angry, then write angry music, when the mood changes, go with that.

Of course this is all just an opinion and when the mood is crap I am aware it is difficult to maintain creativity. All the best, if the meds are no good, try talking to the Doc about something different or a different dose. If you cease treatment, then good luck, just beware of the rage...they are much nicer in hospital than they are in prison...

"...they are much nicer in hospital than they are in prison..." thats debateable hospitals can be just terrible.

hmmm tho now that im thinking about it they prison system really is terrible. anyway im off topic.

It can take a while to find the right meds and dose to actually make you feel better. when it works you will know it because your life will be much better. I think you need to talk about your feelings even tho this is a roadblock for you. I told my dr about my crazy thoughts and he didnt laugh or lock me up. its importaint to be honest, if your not then your not getting the help you need and deserve. plus why go to a dr if your not going to let them do their job. it will be much better if you open up.

I am so glad you vented here-you can do that all you want here. I understand your feelings about the meds. it has taken awhile but finally have founf the right combo-i found a med nurse who worked closely with me for about a year. before that i was just on an antidepressant-because the doctor i had said i was borderline and there was not much he could do for me. and i felt like he thought i was making things up or just creating chaos because i was borderline. i finally insisted that i get treated for bipolar. they would not. so i went somewhere else got the same treatment. i fell apart all the time. i finally insisted on more help-they percsribed seroquel-it helped me sleep. i was happy but still manicy all the time. now after two yrs of the right meds for me-seroquel, paxil, lamictal-i am more stable than i ever have been.tg. if you need to see another doctor maybe that is an option-or maybe they need to tweek the meds some.not sure because i am not a doctor. but i understand your frustrations. and being 20-it must be hard-i am older now. it is easier to just accept things but at your age i know there alot of pressure on you and that zest for life that you feel is dampened is a tough one-i feel it too. i used to have so much enery and enthusiam-but i also crashed hard all the time. let us know how things go for you-feel free to pm me any time. you are not alone. hug

Alright so I went to see my pdoc today, well, the temporary one, since they all leave after about 3 months... sigh.

Anyway, I'm off the Ritalin now and we're going up on the Risperidone again. Still, this hasn't helped me much when I was on that, as I still had issues, couldn't work, couldn't study and couldn't "live"... so I hope that maybe with the new pdoc I can make progress.

Right now I don't even feel like playing guitar or piano during the evenings, and I can't write stories/articles anymore either. My creativity is gone, I'm burnt out... It sucks because it's all I have!

maybe being off the ritalin will help-helped me to get off them. i feel much more stable. i hope you get back some of your creativity-i understand how important that is. take it easy on yourself-your stability is the most important thing right now.

the creativity can come back even while taking medication it just may need some nurture and persistence.

When I first got medicated in 2003 I had the same problem with my creativity. I am a screenwriter and I stopped writing for a long time. However, after being on meds for some time, my creativity returned and this time is was more controlled with the meds. The meds made my writing better in a lot of ways. I could focus and concentrate better and turn out a better product. So, do not fear, your creativity will return and you will be better than ever. As a screenwriter, being on meds earned me an agent and I am now able to sell a script.

I have still found that I have creativity in the guitar lessons that I teach and in the book(s) that I have written/writing. I know what my threshold is and try to stay within the bounds that I know my body will allow me to be in. The medication profile that I am using has been the best for me. Though the Clonazepam gives me some brain fog every now and then, I am still able to think clearly and function well, at least well enough to do what I like to do. Unfortunately I would not be able to hold down a typical full-time job. That's just the way the bipolar ball bounces for me.