karenalessandra
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Oh my gosh! my husband is having an episode right now, he left home, my friend found him on a bus station he was going to mexico, she took him back to her home because he said he didnt want to come home again. she came and spend the night at my house since she is single. so my husband it's at her house, I think he lost his job, but not sure, I have two kids and work for a law firm but I dont make enough money to pay all the bills alone, my kids luckly are not at home they are at their grand parents for the summer so they dont know how bad things are right now. let me explain all of you what happened, he is type 2 so his case is supposed to be mild, and it was up till this year, he has been bipolar since 1998. he stop taking his meds at the beggining of the year without telling me and for six whole weeks he didnt take it and then it got REALLY bad son now he is up and down trying to get better, well I wrote my mother in law a letter explaining why i hated my room lately so she told me that i should give him the letter so he could read it and learn the way he made me feel so yesterday I gave it to him before work and BOOM he took it so bad that he went and tore things around our room took our oil paintings(that he made) off the walls(they are big) and he put them in the dumpster also he took a box out that had all the stuff his mom had save from his childhood(drawings and stuff like that) and he broke all off it and the room was filled with papers everywhere, I was at work, so then after that since we only have one car he went to drop the car keys and house keys with the receptionist at my job and then he texted me and said he was moving out, so I still had to stay at work but when I came home he WAS GONE he had packed a bag pack and he was gone and my room was a wreck. let me paste what i wrote this is what he read and then turn into a atomic bomb: I hate my room(it ghetting better) actually our room looks pretty nice right now, tyler has not slept on it for couple of days, so i sleep in my room. let me give you a talking picture of my room when i hate it the most. (I dont hate my room when tyler is not home.) karen's room when husband is home and karen hates it the most talking picture) husband is laying on bed there is close alll over the floor dirty one and clean one, husband hair looks like he has not shower in three days the sheets and pillow sham on his side are stained , dirty , its clear to see he has laid there for a long time, his feet are dark gray on thye bottom, very dirty majking the white sheets look gray on the area he has his feet, the room smells bad, really bad! husband's face looks like he is angry, depressed and hopeless. his hair is a nut and is all sort of standing up, his face looks wrinkle and exhausted. ok thats the picture, but after that he also askes me to go in the room to talk to him, and thats when i say: no i want to sit on the couch I dont like my room or i hate my room, I am scare to be in there with you, lets get out of there. I have thought and meditate on the feelings that this give me, I think that it goes way past the fact that I am a picky person with the smells, wich I am, I like good smells and i dislike bad smells, but thats not it, I have changed babies and old people's diapers, I rubbed pleanty of old peoples feet, the nursing home dont smell good and I enjoy going in there. So what in the world is making me react like that to husbands bad smell? and dirtiness? I think the reason i react this way is because of what that communicates to me with no words, by this i mean the following: husband was a very clean good smelly guy that could not stand having his nails long or dirty, he was the one that kept telling me to make sure the kids willl have clean feet before bed and clean hands, he was the one that didnt like that the kids took a shower everyother day during school time during winter, but now here is that same guy not showering, not cleaning him self, smelling really bad and add to that his strong cigarrette smell(because he smokes more than his friend now) so my head feels confuse, actually terrified, because this is abnormal, so now I feel unsafe, i feel unprotected but why? my 30 year old husband is so sick he cant even shower because he is scared? well NOW I'm scared, but wait a ssecond, I am not sick so why am I scared? I think is because I REALIZED THAT my "PROTECTOR" CAN'T PROTECT ME then I think of all the stuff that had happen in that room while husband looked exactly like that wearing his pj pants, smelling the same way his hair looking the same way, his hair looking up like that reminds me of all the times he walks around the parking lot pulling his hair up so he does it so much it has the shape to it now, walking around that late outside, tghe feeling i get when i wake up in the middle of the night and he is not there and i feel my heart pounding and i look out the window and there he is walking and pulling his hair and scratching his head and rubbing his face, and I feel so scared and so far from him and helpless to help. the stains on the sheets from his dirty feet reminds me of the same thing, his feet are that dirty becuase he has been walking with his flip flops for so long, the dirty sheets and the dirty smell reminds me againg of him not showering and it scares me. to all that I remeber the times he went out of control and push me or grab me it riminds me of the yelling and the way his face distortion and his eyes and his mouth spitting ans he franatriclly sceams at me and lots of saliva or foam looking spit is coming from his mouth, i feel scared it surely remind me of my dad being mean to my mother this really familiar feeling of fear comes to me. I can see flashing pictures in my mind of all this , when he put a knife in his neck, when he ran to our bed so fast and so scary and jumped and grabbed me and was yelling and I could scape... wow just to write all this puts me into a very panicy feeling that makes it hard for me to breath. I feel that probably all Iwrote above are just feelings poping out and might not be very clear as you read them but I guess the bottom line on thisis that I am afraid VERY AFRAID. by the way the room is better right now, I am sleeping alone in there, everything is clean in there, husband cleaned alll of it, smells good but it still doesnt make me happy because husband not slepping there reminds me that there is something wrong. I do feel calmer in my room but i wouldnt say happy. I better go... will keep writting...... Any way that was what made him leave. he thinks I dont love him and that i think he is a monster he cant see the fact that I am scared of his illness and that i know he is under there somewhere and that if he took the proper therapy and meds he wouldnt act like that. Post edited by: karenalessandra, at: 07/20/2007 17:34 Post edited by: karenalessandra, at: 07/20/2007 21:21 |
Dee
When I met him, we used to work together and we were friends. Everything was great, I could not believe how happy I was. Then things started little by little and I kept making uyp excuses for him then just 4 months ago I almost left him and he knew what he was doing was not right and I told him there was something wrong and he needed to go see a doctor. He went to 2 doctors and they both diagnosed him with bipolar(manic). I thought ok now he will get meds and he will be fine. Like I said things were good for 4 months and now things are getting bad again. All I want is to have a "normal" life. I am going to be 33 this October and we want to have children, I am just scared becuase I don't want him to ever snap on our children. I know he would never lay a hand on me but his words have hurt me so much and I feel like I am hanging on to this marriage by a thread sometimes when he has his bad days. At least I can go on this website and find people like you who know what I am going through
