Bipolar Support Group

i'm so tired of struggling with this depression. it is not getting any better, and the anxiety is worse than the depression i think. i can't stand that feeling of not being able to just breathe normally. i hate the waking up in a full blown panic and not knowing what to do with myself. i hate feeling so careless about everything. my dad called me last night to check on me, he asked how i was doing. why couldn't i tell him the truth, that i am not doing well at all. instead, i told him i was just stressed from having to work so much and being busy with school. that is not the truth. the truth is that the last time i felt like this, i checked myself into a hospital. but i can't do that again. i can't cause my family so much pain again. they don't understand. my mom blames herself and thinks she is the reason. she's not the reason. i am the reason. i don't know what to do. i feel so alone and scared. i don't feel real half the time. i've just been saying the Our Father prayer over and over and over again... and i'm not even religious. I just feel so guilty about everything. I miss my old therapist so much. I could talk to her about all this but now i have no one. but it was my neediness that drove her away. my illness once again that pushed somebody i loved out of my life. i have to work 44 hours again this week, plus i'm in graduate school full time. i just can't do this anymore. i'm so depressed i don't even want to be in school which is a huge red flag for me. i love school usually. but it's like mental torture now. gahh.. i don't know where this post is supposed to go. but i had to get out all these thoughts. i don't know what to do.

candace

Candace, you sound terribly stressed just from so much overload. Between full time grad school and what sounds like full time work, it's no wonder you are feeling anxious along with depressed. Do you have to work so many hours while in school?

It's hard when you feel responsible for how others feel when it come to your illness, especially when it's family, but you have to balance that with what you have to do to take care of yourself, too, and if that means the hospital, then please don't rule that out. Are you not seeing a therapist at all now? Maybe you could try finding another one again. You might find someone you could click with and be able to talk things out with once more instead of keeping everything bottled up.

You have us to talk to and I'm glad you got it out. And it doesn't matter where you posted. All that matters is that you posted.

Candace, some things struck me as I read your post. First, you aren't causing your family pain. O.K., possibly they don't understand the disorder. Mom's usually blame themselves for what they're not in control of. My mom does. I think it's a mom thing. They never like to see their children hurt, especially when they can't make it better. As to you being the reason, I would beg to differ. The disorder is the issue at hand, not you. With all the work and graduate school, I'm incredibly impressed. You're doing some thing that I am unable to do. As it is, I am personally stretched to my limits and want to scream and I'm not even working or going to school. Hats off to you.

I can appreciate and understand the feeling scared and the guilt. The disorder has a wonderful tendency to do that. It can make someone feel out of sorts, kinda like they are looking in on themselves. That should eventually go away.

I wish I had a magic cure for what you're feeling. I just want you to know that you're not alone in what you're going through - I've felt some of what you're feeling now. It will go away. I can't promise the time frame but I never knew of anything that has really "come to stay." For most of the things that I have been through they have "come to pass."

Peace to you and your heart.

Candice, I have to state a few things that might sound mean, but they aren't meant that way.

"i have to work 44 hours again this week, plus i'm in graduate school full time. i just can't do this anymore. i'm so depressed i don't even want to be in school which is a huge red flag for me". That many hours AND full time in school? How many people can do that? Even the 'Normals' would go nuts with that. You need to cut something back or out. You can always take longer to graduate.

And your Mom feeling guilty and hurting? That is what happens when you have children. Guilt and Self-Punishment are Standard Equipment when you become a parent. ESPECIALLY for Moms. If you had Lukemia or Cancer she would be going thru the same things.

You need to deal with what you can change NOW, put some things off for later and some you just haved to adapt to.

Really, get the help you need now even if it means inpatient. Better to get it under control now than let it get worse.

I would cut my hours back at work and drop a class at school. I would get my meds straight and you most likely get on an even keel. Don't keep yourself busy, that you can't reason out what is triggering you. As for your family and therapist, I doubt they have this perception of you. But when you are panicky this can happen.

Trying to do that much school and work while you're not stable is like running on a treadmill- you're still running, but you're not getting anywhere. If you keep on pushing yourself like that, things are likely to get worse not better. I hate to sound blunt, but I've done this song and dance myself.

Its amazing we look completly normal on the outside and are suffering on the inside. For me my mood can change in a minute. I usually don't get angry but the depression and anxiety you are having is something I have had most of my life. Don't let people discourage your dreams just because you have bipolar and are more wise than most.