Bipolar Support Group

Yesterday, my spouse interviewed with my Alcohol/Substance Abuse Counselor (he monitors both due to teen history of drug rehab, an alcoholic father and my 'addictive' personality characteristics) She stated that she "...denies the Bipolar "label" and thinks that my depression is simply a matter of the long-term unemployment." Well, DUH! Think So? That and maybe the fact that she has an Oppressive Corporate Executive personality! (ooops. did I really think that out-loud?) Anyway .....

What is 'your' take on this?

Mine: My take on this is; that what she doesn't like is the fact that I have been diagnosed with BP,PTSD and an Anxiety Disorder and that psychiatric testing and medication regiments support the BP diagnoses. But mostly what she does not like is the fact that a team of three p-docs have stabilized my swings, which in turn has allowed me to take control of my life in lieu of my emotions having control of my life, which in turn has taken away her twenty year 'control' of my life.

I certainly am eager to see where this discussion goes!

Hi 2ofMe, welcome to the forum. Gee, how do I say this, I used to be one of those corporate yahoo's who felt I needed to be assertive in BUSINESS to compete with men. Some of this acceptable behavior trickled into my own life - and once it was pointed out to me I freaked....and made changes.

I too, have suffered a lengthy unemployment streak - that's depressing in itself. Then I have my first SUPER manic episode, end up in the hospital (actually I drove my spanking new Toyota SUV Hybrid into the hospital walls)...Yikes! Then at 48 I receive the diagnosis of BiPolar I and PSTD. Now I feel totally screwed up, but hopeful because of medications/therapy and self awareness....

Fortunately, my husband of just 2 years (4 year relationship) is very supportive - and even wonders if he has some issues that should be addressed. Anyway, I hate the word LABEL. Did she go to medical school? No, and control freaks love to dole out advice because they think they know it all AND they need to control their environment....including you.

She probably feels insecure because you are healing and what does that mean for her? You aren't going to allow her that control, and she might be thinking along the lines of "Oh no, he might leave me". Once I lost a lot of weight, and the guy I was with all of the sudden became controlling and insecure I would cheat or want to go out with other men instead of appreciating the fact I succeeded in my goal and was feeling good about myself. From his life experience, that was a threat.

Perhaps she should go talk to a therapist about her own issues of control - it can be scary for someone when they realize the need to curb their control issues.

You sound empowered and I think your take on things is probably very accurate - since you've maintained a 20 year connection with the woman, and I am only speculating based on what you posted. Despite your lengthy label on YOUR disorders, it is she who could benefit from therapy.

Keep us posted - and keep getting stronger!

Just a thought; What if she down't like the 'label'because it may leak out to her corporate 'friends' and may inhibit her ladder climbing? Add this on top of everything you surmised and you may have a very scared lady on your hands.

My ex was the same way. She would get rid of meds and tell me to deal and get on with life, which I thougts getting meds and therapy was dealing with it so I could move on with life. I agree with that I think my ex seen it lost control over me she having trouble. She admitted shortly after our divorce. Now I maintain control over my life with few bumps on the path. Good Luck and welcome here.

JustJulie62; Two things I think you hit a bulls eye on.

1)"...She probably feels insecure because you are healing and what does that mean for her? You aren't going to allow her that control, and she might be thinking along the lines of "Oh no, he might leave me..." Yes, there would be that possibility. Now that I am in treatment after a lifetime of struggle and twenty years of her having control, I may just get to the point that if she doesn't make some serious changes ... it's over. As well as the possibility that she may leave me. After all, she already doesn't like 'that guy that holds it all in and says nothing'

2)"...Perhaps she should go talk to a therapist about her own issues of control - it can be scary for someone when they realize the need to curb their control issues..." Trust me, that ain't never gonna happen! Not until SHE is down on her belly begging for her life back. And even then, one might wonder.

cptblack; In your reply you stated "...may inhibit her ladder climbing?..." She is no longer in the corporate world, so-to-speak, but IS the Administrative Assistant to the Principal of a Private High School. So, in a sense, she is. However, it's more of a personality trait that she maintains. Her father is that way and she WAS a corporate executive for about fifteen years. It's the "control" factor that is the issue. Additionally, many of her friends or her friends spouses are in the corporate world, so it still all fits together in one way, shape or form.

zephry1967; if my wife got rid of my meds, I'd pack her a few things and send her out the door right then and there ... and she knows it! You are right in the fact that your meds and therapy WAS dealing with it and she was totally out of line. I'm applaud her that she can admit that she was in the wrong and I applaud you for continuing your journey to a better life for yourself.

I THANK ALL OF YOU for your responses! It's interesting to see/hear what others think of the situation and see if they (do/do not) come to the same conclusion that I do.

Best regards to all!

I know for me... my husband didn't accept the label for the longest time. Of course neither did I. It was in 2007 when I tried to commit suicide that we both kind of woke up (and that was 6 yrs after my diagnosis!). It is very interesting though - how you say she has to have the control- that's how my husband is. I am an very pathetic excuse for a recovering addict/alcoholic and my husband... to this day will put a drink in my hand. I am so much easier to control when I am a little "out of control". I don't know that he really wants me to be fully well because then the nazi reign will possibly end. Maybe I will even come to my senses and leave the marriage (he hasn't always been a gem you know- physical and emotial abuse has plagued, off and on, our 7 year marriage). I have to mention though that the physical stuff has not happened in about a yr and a half- since I threatened to leave and actually did for a couple of months). It's not easy for any family member to admit that their loved one has a "mental illness" oooooohhhhhhh... but with time he quit denying it and became even involved in my treatment a bit- making sure I take my medicine and stuff like that. BUT- again, he still will be the first one to put a drink in my hand when I'm trying to stay stopped! It's all confusing I guess. I figure there just needs to be a shift in power somehow. I let him control me, perhaps because it gets me what I ultimately want... to get high... I don't know. I wish you luck... somtimes it's just at matter of time. Peace to you. E

bfly; thank you for your input. I understand that opposites often attract and mostly because they see in the other what they, themselves, wish they could obtain. But, that is only successful if it is 'healthy'. I did twenty years ago ... and I can admit that.

In my twenty year marriage my present wife, I can really only contribute any unhappiness to my spouse. Everything else has been pretty good. And, when one chapter of my life ended, it ended smoothly and seamlessly slipped right into the beginning of the next chapter. It has only been conflict with my wife that has contributed to any unhappiness I have felt. However, I don't think the ten years I spent in the corporate environment, myself, would have ended any different than it did. That just is NOT who I am .. or want to be.

I won't put all the "blame" onto her and I WILL own my own faults and errors. But, I have always remained true and committed to her, always worked my butt off to provide a good life for my family and was either at one of one of two places, at work or at home. To my knowledge or intent, I have never been emotionally abusive. And, I am absolutely certain, beyond any reasonable doubt, that I have never been physically abusive. However, I also have said many times, if it were not for our children at home, I would have been gone.

I understand that 'change' is difficult. I can't be the corporate spiteful individual that thinks of nothing other than the bottom dollar and how that benefits my income. And, to date, she can't be the individual that will stand at the food line and feed the homeless and endangered. I can't be all about myself. And, from all accounts, she can't be about anyone other than herself, her children and her parent. Maybe the time has come? I simply don't know and I will not simply 'chuck it all' without lots of thought and consideration.

I would like to suggest to you, though, that if your husband is still attending counseling with you, that your counselor discuss the 'drinking' issue to your husband and try to get some kind of commitment from him that he will discontinue such behavior. It is unhealthy for you

Yeah... the counseling thing- he doesn't go that far. He actually said he would go, but he'd punch them in the face (anger issues, anger issues!). I know it's unhealthy for me, yet I have to admit that I'm not too motivated to make that change, but I guess I'm sort of working on getting stronger so one day I can take more control of me.

My husband's ex wife (14 year marriage) suffered (undiagnosed) from Borderline Personality Disorder. Her behavior, even after the marriage (controlling, telling him who he should or should not date) was extreme and beyond dysfunctional. For 14 years she bossed, controlled and demeaned him. When I found the book "Walking on Eggshells" about Borderline Personality Disorder and the traits they possess, he literally broke down in tears thinking it was all his fault - they are master manipulators. Finally, he is healing and realized everything wasn't his fault. As he gained more emotionally strength and finally stood up to her (court/cut off all contact) she slowly has backed down and out of our lives. Regardless of how your marriage turns out, it's important to know you can heal and find love again should the relationship end. Good luck

JustJulie62: Thank you for your response. Your husbands former spouse sounds like MY former spouse. Yikes! It can be a nightmare! As for me, I'm too headstrong to let this stop me from living the rest of my life. I WILL live it and I WILL be happy and I WILL love again if this marriage ends, and if it does not, my wife and I will have a much better marriage than we have had over the past twenty years. I'm only fifty-four ... I ain't takin' no dirt nap this early! Not if I have any control over it, that is!