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01/13/2008 01:29 PM

Dealing with the disorder

vincent17
 
Posts: 3
Member

Hi my name Joe. I am 26 years old. I support my girlfriend who has this disorder. And right now Iam struggling and losing hope. I love her very much and Iam lost as to how to deal with it and not cause more harm than good. I have literally sat and cried by myself wondering if this is a lost cause. I do everything for her. And I also take care of her daughter. But I feel that iam nothing more than a pillow because she feels secure and she thinks she can find somebody better than me. She even told her daughter that I am not good enough for her and If she happy her daughter will never be happy(she is only 8yrs old). That really pissed me off but I kept my mouth shut. My girlfriend has a drinking problem. We use to live together( the lease is only in my name) but one day I got fed up with all night drinking and not coming home when she said she would. Her excuse is my daughter is asleep whats the big deal.So I moved out of my apartment and went to live with my mom. But still I watch her daughter on wed. and thurs. when she is at work and she always goes out afterwords. Maybe I am foolish. But i feel i do all this for nothing. I even pay her bills and help pay for her bankruptcy plus all of christmas and so forth.At one time we were happy. But the drinking and drugs got worse. She is about to turn 30 and I am not seeing any changes accept that is it is getting worse. She doesnt see a doctor and I been paying for her medicine but it is getting really expensive(wellbutrin and lithium(not expensive)). She thinks she is find but she really isnt. I dont know maybe I am fool.
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01/13/2008 01:53 PM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

No more than the rest of us. I used to feel like a fool too, but not anymore. I did leave, but know I loved the good side and accepted he had to WANT to work on the other side, and that it wasn't up to me to save him. I didn't stop loving him, always have, but I had to protect me. You have gone above and beyond what anyone would expect, unfortunately at this point she, from what you've written, is using you and will continue to do so until you stop giving in. It's a very difficult thing to do since there is a child involved and you remember the person she can be. I feel badly for you, but really all you can do is withdraw your support and clearly communicate that she needs to get help. Hopefully she will get honest with herself and you could continue the relationship, but while she is in denial it will be a very rough road.

01/13/2008 01:57 PM
spruce1
spruce1  
Posts: 848
Senior Member

Hi Joe,

Your in a tough situation, especially when there's a child involved and your feeling guilty.

She needs to start to take responsibility for herself. Your her crutch right now. I don't know how she feels about you however, she may love you but her illness gets in the way.

I think she may need a wake up call. If your not there for her she may start looking at herself and sort of hit bottom and do something.

What's that ole' saying? If you love someone, let them be free and if they come back it's meant to be? I know that's easier said then done but you need to set boundaries for yourself and her. Your really not helping her, if you think about it...your making it easy for her to act out and not take her actions seriously.

Does she have a family you can call in case someone needs to help with the child?

I'm not a expert, but my niece is married to a BP and it got bad enough that she left him. They also have children and they need to be considered, especially if their young enough not to really understand. However, he was shocked enough that he took things very seriously!! Their back together now and things are better. It'll never be complete peace and smooth sailing but their in a pretty good routine.

My heart goes out to you and hope you find the answers your seeking.

If you just want to talk or vent I'll be happy to be here for you. Maybe some others have other suggestions that'll help.

Here's hoping for the best!! Let me know how it goes, ok?

SpruceSmile


01/13/2008 02:24 PM
Beccaboo
Beccaboo  
Posts: 431
Member

You are not a fool. You sound like a very kind man. It would be wonderful if your girlfriend did not behave as she does, but it is her bipolar disorder causing this. That doesn't really help you though. I wish I had answers. Instead, I can only say that I hope things will get better for you, your girlfriend, and for her little girl.

01/13/2008 08:11 PM
vincent17
 
Posts: 3
Member

Well here is a update. I was invited to dinner tonight. At first she thought i had talked to her mom about what is going on but I have not. Her mom knows whats going on she see's her account. And see's all her money going in into bars. So they were arguing and her mom cut her off. SO things werent great at all. I asked if I should still come over. She said yes. So we both made dinner together and was quite enjoyable no arguing just friendly conversation. But I am not getting my hopes up. Iam going to follow her mom. Because if I undermine her mother things will just get worse. By the way since I have join this support group I feel alittle better knowing that iam not alone. But there is so much damage that I need to take care of. But in all I just want her to be happy and I want her daughter to be happy. That was always my motive.

01/13/2008 08:15 PM
spruce1
spruce1  
Posts: 848
Senior Member

Hi Vincent (Joe),

I think if you see that her mom has her bests interests at heart then by all means follow her lead. It seems she is wise and seeing things clearly. I'm very glad she is there for you and her daughter and granddaughter!!Smile Here's hoping for the best...

SpruceCheerful


01/13/2008 08:53 PM
Have Faith
 
Posts: 93
Member

Hello Vincent17, my bf of 5 years is BP and drinks every day. I, like you, moved out recently because life was getting worse and the stress was starting to be harmful to me (I was a nervous wreck). The main reasons I moved were: drinking, lying, spending (he just bought a $160,000 car!, and major drama whenever he didn't get his own way). I use to focus on each "problem" separately - after joining this group I realized the root cause of them all is BP. He tried AA but because of his BP doesn't think he can stop drinking with or without AA. Until now we didn't talk about BP (it seemed scarey). Today we decided to learn as much about it as we can (it's our last chance). We believe there are solutions within the BP community (those who understand). Time will tell if he can focus or care long enough to stop drinking. I am hopeful but I also understand his responsibility. I guess I'm telling you this because I totally can relate. This support group has been soooo helpful to me. Until now I have kept everything inside. I hope everything works out for you ... keep your chin up and be supportive, but take care of yourself. (Hugs)

01/15/2008 05:12 PM
vincent17
 
Posts: 3
Member

I would Like to thank everybody for the support. I been talking to friends about people who are bipolar and I have learn that most of the solutions come from tough love and people who support each other. I am definitely glad I join this group.

06/09/2008 02:56 PM
Titanup
Titanup  
Posts: 10
Member

This is one the most hardest things I have ever done in my life my b/p husband of 23 years is making me crazy like I am the reason for him having this disorder and he is in so much denial that I can do nothing to help him it is the saddest thing for to me to watch him be so miserable in his mind all his insecurities and me not knowing what to excpect day to day it can really take a toll, I have stuck it out because I said in my vows in sickness and in health so I feel guity every time I think that I should just end it.

He brings up things from 15 years ago still till this day and I think I am going to breakdown before it is all over with I have been doing ok until the last 6 months and for some reason my mind is skipping out on me I wake up in the mornings all nervous and jittery and I just feel like I am falling apart, I feel like he will never come to terms that he has this illness and it will just keep going the way it always has up and down up and down I feel like I am on a rollercoaster and noone will let me off I stay with him because he is an awesome person when he is having good days he has a great heart and is very giving he just can't stand the fact that he is sick and will not admit it so how do you help someone like that not possible in my book. Sorry guys I am just venting I am so fragile now when I used to be a very outgoing fun loving person I feel like his illness has changed me and I hate it. I don't even know how to feel anymore I really try hard to feel good about him then when I finally get there he smashes it all then in the next sentence wants it to be all ok will it ever be ok, I can not do this for another 20 years I need him to come to and realize that we can deal with this together and help each other through it but I don't think that will ever happen. I am so glad I have found this group it really means alot to vent and read about this illness I have always been alone in this besides my wonderful mother whom I'm sure is tired of hearing her daughter when she is so miserable I feel like I am blabbering I guess I will run for now thanks to all for letting me vent and just being there oh by the way I got my first hug yesterday what a trip on how that made me feel thanks to you all for being there and whoever created this website what a joy.

God Bless you and good luck to all.

Titan


06/10/2008 07:52 AM
spruce1
spruce1  
Posts: 848
Senior Member

Hello Titan and welcome!

I'm sooooo sorry your going thru such a emotional rollarcoaster! You sound so despondant.....I wish there was something that could take away all your misery and your hubbys mental illness.

This is just a thought, but have you considered doing something drastic to wake him up? I was suggesting a temporary seperation....nothing permanent, just to wake him up!! Perhaps by you showing you'll not take his denials any longer and you mean business it will shake him up and will seek help. I don't condone seperations or divorces, however, if you are being so emotional drained and things have come to the point that your mental and emotional well being is affected, it may do you some good to step back and get a breather for a while.

I know this is something you have to decide and it may not be easy, but what other choices do you have? Perhaps, you can also get professional help for yourself that might give you the help to deal with this situation?

I just want you know your not alone and you can vent whenever you need to!! We all sometimes need to so don't ever feel guilty, ok?

Take care and PM me anytime you need to and I hope you can come to some solution to all your going thru!

Spruce Smile

Post edited by: spruce1, at: 06/10/2008 07:55

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