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01/06/2009 11:55 PM

hurt myself

GreenChick43
Posts: 53
Member

I'm not sure if I should write this. I probably shouldn't.

It is 2:52 am here and I woke up feeling really upset and i wanted to get the feel of how it would feel if I DID hang myself, so I took a cord and tied it into a noose and pulled it as hard as I could around my neck. I did it in a way that I couldn't have died, if I'd passed out it would have loosened. I just wanted to feel it, to feel the pain and to feel what it would feel like to die.

I wasn't in any real danger, I just gave in a little. I won't do it again, it was just difficult because I was up with no one to call.

I want to say that I'm ok, that I wasn't really trying to die, and that I couldn't have died from what I did.

I'll be ok, just keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

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01/07/2009 01:53 AM
cats4me59
cats4me59  
Posts: 919
Senior Member

you are there. please take care of yourself.

01/07/2009 03:39 AM
justashley

Green--i'm so sorry you are feeling that way. please try to call your pdoc today to see if you need a medication change. there is usually always somebody on this boards, so log on here and find someone in the middle of the night when you feel like that.

01/07/2009 06:02 AM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

GreenChick...your therapist gave you good advice the other day...you need to figure out why you keep having these suicidal ideations. Work with your therapist. Thinking of suicide every time you are in a rough spot is not the answer to your problems. Hope it gets better for you...it needs some work on your part to develop some kind of coping methods...this may be more than bipolar depression. Talk to your therapist about the roots of this repeated thought pattern...you are not alone, sweetie...we care.

01/08/2009 11:13 AM
GreenChick43
Posts: 53
Member

I think you are right. The bipolar gives me bad mood swings and recurring bouts of depression. But I still struggle with suicide, and self-harm that is in addition to the bipolar. I think some of the sources are things that happened to me when I was young (like s*sual abuse etc.) and some are just the fact that I hate myself so much.

I told members of another forum about putting the noose around my neck the other night and when I said I was struggling with wanting to do it again they called the police on me. I was really angry and was going to leave that forum, but later I came to understand that they did it because they cared and didn't want me to die. The police officer was really nice and told me I could call a number and they'd come without lights and sirents to take me to talk to someone (hospital I guess) and I said ok.

I am still struggling with wanting to take my life or at least hurt myself so plese keep me in your thoughts. Any help or support is deeply appreciated. It helps a lot to know people care.

Thank you.


01/08/2009 11:47 AM
SiouxInMyBlood
SiouxInMyBlood  
Posts: 432
Member

How are you doing now, GC? I hope better. Keep typing and letting us know if there is anything we can doSmile

SIMB


01/08/2009 03:06 PM
GreenChick43
Posts: 53
Member

I am still struggling. I just was taking a nap, and I had a dream that I tried to kill myself again. It was so vivid that when I woke up, I really thought I'd tried for a little while. That just goes to show how ingrained in my mind the whole suicide thing is. Part of the problem is I have no friends in the area I can turn to. All I have is the net, but thank god for it, I don't know what I'd do without it.

Right now I just need some support and encouragent. I do not mean to be begging for attention or anything like that, but I really need to know that people understand and care. And if any of you believe in god, pleaes pray too. Thanks.


01/08/2009 03:12 PM
justashley

GC--you are not begging for attention...you are reaching out for help. that is ok. you should learn how to retrain the way you think. that is hard to do. i am working on it myself. whenever the thought of suicide comes into your mind, just find something to do. anything. grab a piece of paper and right down 3 things that make you happy. or 3 things that you like about yourself.

01/08/2009 04:16 PM
GreenChick43
Posts: 53
Member

I'll try that.

01/08/2009 07:10 PM
Dit
Dit  
Posts: 13741
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I really do believe in the power of prayer. I've seen and heard of so many miracles. With God, anything can happen. HUGS

Lorry (Dit) Wink

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