|
|
ashcutee
Posts: 71
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Hi- I feel like everyone here lives in my mind- speaking it to the most crucial details. I am married to a man who is suffering from BP disorder.He never told me he had this problem- making this all the more complicated. We are at a place where we are both confused about what is going on in our lives and needless to say, he is very narcissistic and is unable to see anything positive. I got very emotional this morning and told him that I wasn't getting the love and support and feeling empty and I wanted him to forgive me if I left- BAD IDEA.( At least on my part). You cannot talk about your true feeling in front of someone with the disorder.He is BP II and very depressed. I just felt like how long can I continue to cover my own emotions and keep doing and not get anything in return? There is never a right time to say things.. I know this and now I feel guilty for having spoken my mind. My point is that I do want to leave this relationship very badly. I love him but this love is now poison rather than a loving strong relationship. We do not have children which will make this easier. |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
jlh1956
Posts: 396
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
First of all, there is no reason for you to feel guilty about anything. Part and parcel of the illness is to displace blame on the blameless. The fact that you have hung in there this long goes to your own personal strength and endurance. Life and love are not supposed to be like this and I'm sure you know that - it's hard to think straight when your every word is twisted to be something that you did not mean. My dad never had the slightest empathy for what he said and did to me. But I was supposed to bend over backwards for him, and then it was never appreciated and never enough. His sense of entitlement was unbelievable. When I acted outraged and furious at him for his years of emotional abuse he then punished me in his will, disinheriting me from what was rightfully mine, never mind the bulls**t I had endured my entire childhood and into my adulthood. Don't feel guilty, I never did. I know it was not my fault, it wasn't his fault he had the disorder - it was his fault that he did not seek help for the shameful way he treated his family - that sits solely and securely on his shoulders, not mine or his wife's. But if I had ever told him that you can imagine the wrath that would come out of it - making him realize that he was accountable for the hell he put us through was out of the question - it was much too easy for him to continue to abuse and neglect our needs, than to look in the mirror at himself. That would mean that he had to quit drinking, and see a psychiatrist which would mean admitting he had a problem and he wasn't about to do that. So, the hell with it, I deserved to be happy, and I'm sorry that he wasn't, but it was out of my hands. Yes, I wanted a nice and caring dad, what daughter wouldn't, but it wasn't my fault that I never had that!! His relationship with my mother and me for that matter was Toxic and I feel was hurting us more than him. He just went about his life while we tried to deal with the terror, cruelty, fear, abuse, blame, you get the idea. As long as he could beg her back and keep his "nest" in order he was a happy camper. Enough already - mine and my mother's life mattered too!! |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
shattered
Posts: 63
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Good for you. It's hard thought. Just when I think I am out he pulls me right back in. My SO and I had a really good plan for his treatment this was the commitment he made after the last mania episode in which he blamed me for all of his lifes troubles. We communicated wonderfully and got a lot out on the table. It really felt like we were going somewhere. I agreed to at least be his friend but that didn't work either. We planned to go to the gym, went to support groups etc. All of which ended up in an even deeper, longer, more paranoid and hateful episode of mania. I went from being a strong leader of a company to questioning everything I do. From being independent to dependent. How did I get here? And how will I get out. As of now I haven't talked to him in 12 days, I feel like I'm out and ready to start looking at new options. But I really know it is a matter of days before he calls again. I honestly don't know what I will do. Someone emailed me and said his behavior is very consistant with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been reading a lot about it and feel they are right. What do I do? I feel like I am constantly fighting with my friends and family that don't understand this connection that we have only to fight with him regarding the connection he says we don't have. (Every Mania episode he figures out how he truly felt and doesn't love me). Nothing new to all of you I know.
|
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
jlh1956
Posts: 396
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
I don't know shattered - you will know when you've had enough I guess. I personally could not live that way, but we are all different people and come into relationships with different experiences. Whatever you decide, all the best to you. |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
ashcutee
Posts: 71
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Thank You for that JLH! I needed to hear that! I just talked to my own family and they whole heartedly support me in whatever decision I make but they have always said this - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I sometimes forget its not my fault. It is not my husbands either but him not facing the real issue definitely is. For now I am learning to control my own emotions.I have been put on sleep aids and anti anxiety meds too but recently I stopped taking them thinking- why on earth should I have to take these? I was fine before I met him!!! And upon this slight realization- have been able to sleep much better and enjoy myself. I know I am getting to the point where I am ready to let go. Even if that means few months- I am still gearing up to do it. |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
sky
 Posts: 261
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Hi, Case in point reinforces my decision.... Tonight I was cooking dinner, made a london broil, the meat package was all dripping so I put it in the sink after I took the meat out. I went out of the room for a minute, hubby goes in there and I hear him yelling to himself "@-ing stupid, @-ing this n that, who puts @-ing paper in the sink...I can't wait to move out of this @-ing house!!!" My son looked at me & just shook his head. I went in kitchen & asked him what was the problem,I am still cooking & I was going to throw the wrapper away after it finished dripping, why was he so upset? He said You know I hate paper in the sink. Later, he ate dinner & was laughing, joking, and talking about stuff in the newspaper today, as if he never had a yelling cursing outburst 20 minutes earlier. Who can live like this? Plus he is drinking beers right & left. But that is OK... I am NOT supposed to leave a wrapper in the sink for 15 lousy minutes, but I AM supposed to put up with his outbursts and his drunkedness all weekend! Please excuse my constant ranting this weekend, I can't believe I am typing this but going to work next week is starting to look good.   Post edited by: sky, at: 01/20/2008 18:10 Post edited by: sky, at: 01/20/2008 18:19 |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
000000
Posts: 46
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Hi sky, Just had to butt in. I could have written a lot of what you said myself, my experiences are so similar. Yes I'm tired of walking on egg shells too.but like you I miss the person my wife used to be and like you occassionally "that" person still comes out and I enjoy her when she does. Don't apologize for ranting either you "earned" the right. Take care! Sledge
|
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
000000
Posts: 46
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Hi Ashcutee, I whole heartedly agree there is no "right time" to talk about bi-polar issues with our SO, It's a no win situation. My wife gets mad at me for not talking about "things", but I know from past situations it doesn't work. They turn it around on you, or deny it, or start screaming, or walk away when the conversation isn't "going their way". Hang in their Ash! Sledge |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
finallydone
Posts: 30
New Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
I picked up my stuff from her house this past weekend. It was the hardest thing for me to do. To leave a place I called home and to leave this amazing person (she is amazing sometimes when she is well) and it just broke my heart. To my surprise she said she "understood" my decision to leave her and to make things a little more difficult she gave me this card thanking me for every thing I've done for her (she literally wrote every vacation, every special meal, and evey important moment in our three year relationship). While this has been the most difficult experience of my life, I walk away from it KNOWIING that it was not my fault. I tried my best to make this work and we fall in love with someone that is simply not available to love us back in a healthy way. Once we accept that, and take responsibility for OUR actions and OUR selves that's when WE can move on. I know I deserve somoene that treats me right and commits to me and loves me in a healthy way....but that person is not her and it will take me time to accept this break-up. We gave each other a period of 4 months to not see each other at all....but to try and be friends. if that's at all possible with some time apart....It's hard because she IS my best friend but I guess it's time to meet new friends... |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
sky
Posts: 261
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Hi finallydone- Maybe she wrote you that card so you would understand, that despite her (actions/moods/whatevershehasputyouthru) she was 'there' the best she could be for all those special times. That is what is so heartwrenching about my husband. He will be terrible beyond words at times, completely juvenile, mean, lie, whatever. Then when he is back to being OK he will try to do all kinds of compensatory behaviours to make up for the bad time he put me & kids thru. To let me know underneath it all he is still 'him' ? But if that 'him' is to take control for longer periods and healthier relationship, he needs to admit he has bipolar illness, and OCD, and go to a doctor, therapists, and try some medications, and give up drinking, which he absolutely will not do. He does need to go thru a lot to be well, but I still think he could do it taking one day at a time. He is in such deep denial I don't see it happening anytime soon. I agree with you the weekends are really hard to get thru. Your brother seems to have some good advise and be a support system for you. Let family members be there for you. Take care |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
