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finallydone
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HI, I just broke off my three year relationship to a BP. I felt like I was constantly being downsized in the relationship and was blamed for everything that went wrong. Now she is leaving negative voice mail messages on my phone and just refuses to accept that it's truly over. I thought we could be friends but I guess that's not realistic. I love her and a part of me always will but the relationship was ruining my own person well being. like the saying goes "misery loves company" and I just didn't want to be misery's company anymore. A part of me still feels trapped because I still have feelings for her but I need to know....what advice would you give to someone in my position? Should I block all contact? I feel a bit of me dies each time but feel terribly guilty that I have given up on "us" after I said so many times that I never would.... |
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Beccaboo
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You are in a tough situation. You must protect yourself. I was just diagnosed as bipolar, but I know I've had the condition my whole life. That is why your message was so chilling to me: it made me remember a very self-destructive part in my life. About 20 years ago I was in love. Well, obsession is a better word than love. After a while, my boyfriend could not deal with my BP tendencies. I went crazy (hate that word, but it is descriptive.) He was right to break up with me. He was wrong to call me every couple of weeks or so, giving me hope that we could survive as a couple. And when he started dating some mean, ugly cow (she was probably a nice person but I couldn't see it), I was almost homocidal. If it was my bipolar disorder which caused me to be so obsessive, and I truly believe it was, it makes me think you should definitly stop all parts of the relationship. Of course, each situation is unique. Your ex-girlfriend may not become as obsessed as I did. But if you sense that she will be obsessed, be kind to both yourself and her: hold strong with the breakup. Take care. |
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breathe
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I just did that myself in September. I guess it depends on whether she poses a risk on your safety. Well, actually, no, don't call her back either way. If you call, it leaves seeds of hope behind that can be very painful to her and could end up more dangerous for you. I had to fall of the face of the earth pretty much and go into hiding-felt like a freaking movie. I actually watched "Sleeping with the Enemy" just feel like I wasn't alone in having to live like that-but I knew my safety was in danger from him as he threatened to kill me and was very abusive. It took me a few weeks to start accepting how abusive he was, and I'm still processing memories. Glad you found this board to talk-I didn't have internet until yesterday(yea!)so I'm camping out here now for a while after feeling so alone for months. Take care of you. I know it's hard. I still miss my ex terribly, and cry sometimes and noone in my "real world" can understand why, only here. "Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly...all your life, you were only waiting for this momemt to arise-Blackbird fly..."-Paul McCartney
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sky
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My husband and I are divorcing after 17 yrs of marriage. He refuses treatment. I too just felt like I couldn't manage thru ONE MORE of his manic episodes. Something inside me just clicked. I had to start taking anti-anxiety meds while he stubbornly refused to budge one inch. I thought, why am I taking meds to deal with HIS disease??? The relationship was becoming so one sided, I felt like I was losing myself. I can totally relate to 'not wanting to be misery's company anymore'. I don't think I have to worry about my husband becoming obsessive with me. He is obsessed with too many other things. I still love him, that is hard. Post edited by: sky, at: 01/11/2008 22:04 |
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jlh1956
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Just a little word of encouragement from a daughter who begged her mother to leave her father for years. She couldn't find the strength to leave him and ended up "staying too long" and thus damagaged me even further from his cruelty and abuse. He never did get help for himself. She finally left him after 24 years (I was already married) and then re-married him again, and divorced him a second time when the second marriage was more awful than the first (he punished her for leaving the first time) Now she is 75 and happy, healthy and a sweet wonderful mom to me and grandma to my three kids. She finally found peace of mind and does not live in fear and trepidation any longer. I wish she had left when she was a much younger woman instead of staying in an abusive relationship so long - but I guess she had to do it when she was ready. She didn't want to leave, but really the abuse was so bad she was scared he might really hurt her bad (and so was I). Hope this helps a little. In situations like these leaving is not deserting or running away, it is loving yourself enough to take good care of you. It is easy to lose yourself if you're not careful - all the lies take a toll on you, but you have to be strong and be a warrior for yourself (I did that as a child).For years I suffered from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) - you cannot really understand what this s**t does to you unless you have lived it. |
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finallydone
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Thank you all for your feedback. I can understand each experience you all have had. I don't feel at all in danger of her stalking me or being obsessive. It's important to say she's a BiPolar II which means she does not have manic episodes. She's on the "down" side of BiPolar which is mostly depression. I have been really strong for two weeks and feeling like I miss her terribly and my mind is trying to convince me that "it wasn't THAT bad." I feel like I cannot be with her and I canno be without her. It's a really bad place to be to feel so confused, tortured, and feel like you love someone that you cannot be in a healthy relationship with "unless" (long list). I am continuing to be strong....but there are some tough moments where I think I made a terrible mistake by leaving her...and other days I think it's the best decision I have made for myself in years....I understand all of your perspectives....and I appreciate all of them. THey do help me a lot....I'm continuing to stay strong...I guess like any break-up....I am bound to feel a range of emotions....I just want to get through this confused state.... Post edited by: finallydone, at: 01/13/2008 17:35 |
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chattycathy
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BP II does indeed have manic episodes, only they are not as excessive as BP I. The BP II sufferers go into "hypo mania" as a phase of the manic-depressive cycle. They may spend excessively, fall in love, leave their S.O.'s for no reason (or a reason that they've blown up in their heads), not eat or sleep on their former schedule, etc. Your girlfriend may just have depression, which may be able to be controlled through medication. If you truly miss her, you can discuss the possibility of her getting appropriate meds as a condition of resuming your relationship.
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Gotogo
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Finallydone, My bf of 5 years has BP. I lived with him for 4 years but recently moved out. I was a nervous wreck and the stress was starting to affect me physically (drama would make me sick - literally). We have decided to learn as much about BP as we can. I, like you, care about this person (that's what makes it so hard to leave and it's so confusing). This support group has helped me already - it is comforting to know I am not alone (until now I held everything inside). I guess what I'm really trying to say is I, like you, am totally confused about whether I should stay in the relationship or end it completely. What I do know is that some sort of progress has to be made in either direction as it can't stay the same. We are going to join a local support group to try to learn more about BP (a topic we have avoided talking about until I moved out). (Big Hug your way) |
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finallydone
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Thanks again. The problem with her is that she IS on medication...and she IS in psychotherapy. She is doing all of the right things but I do not see it working. I stil see her spaz at me for no reason (it's big in her head). Even something as simple as "honey can you please warm up this soup in the microwave?" turns into her getting extremely upset about it (a microwavable soup not something she had to make). She is doing all of the right things but she is still angry and she is still depressed...that's the problem. I have given it time and I've given her 6 months to see if her meds start to work...and nothing....she's still rude at times and then seconds later she's like "honey come here...cuddle with me"...it's like she has no recollections of what happened seconds earlier...that's what is driving me crazy...I alread moved out (Last April). But we were continuing to date each other....but things have not improved in three years...she says she still does not imagine being with me forever...that it's something she needs toi figure out....That's why I walked away...three years later and you still have things to figure out? Worst of all, I'm now 35 pounds heavier than when I started the relationship, I find myself going to therapy for HER illness, and somehow something went wrong with "me" during this whole time....I wish there was a way to make this kind of relationship work...but it seems like it only works for HER and I'm left not having anything that I deserve or want... |
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Isabel
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Dear Finally Done, I can relate to everything you are going through. You are absolutely right, we don't deserve this. I have also started seeing a case worker. She is trying to help me deal with this situation. I also feel like I don't deserve this because I am a good person. We are both giving up so much in our lives. I need real companionship, friendship, love, and I want to be able to have fun again and share it with someone. It is really hard living with someone who flips on a switch constantly. He is either yelling, screaming, fighting, in a bad mood, everything sets him off or he is totally depressed on the couch for days. Last night was really bad. We had a big fight in the afternoon. I know that I shouldn't fight with him, but sometimes it is really hard to hold back my anger. I needed to go out to cool off and I get a phone call from him crying and asking me to come home that he needed someone to talk to. I get home thinking that he was finally going to open up to me and that we could have a normal conversation. I knew better than to expect something normal to hallpen. Instead, he didn't say a word to me, went to the basement (we are in the process of refinishing the basement) and started cursing at himself, calling himself names, out of the top of his lungs and banging and screaming. I got really scared last night. Then he came upstairs and started calling for my kids. He woke one of my daughters up for no reason. He was in such a rage. The reason he has been in this rage lately is because I told him that I finally give up and that I want a divorce. He can't accept this because in his head he never does or says anything wrong. It's like he has double personality. Since he stopped taking the medication, his mood swings have gotten worse, it's like he's another person. I don't know what to do anymore but I know that I can't live this way anymore. It's been 21 years of this hell. I am also really thinking of leaving, what's stopping me is my financial situation. I am here for you if you need to talk. Hang in there. You will know when you have had enough and it's time to leave. I've known for a very long time, my problem is that I feel so sorry for him sometimes. He brakes my heart. I need my sanity back, is that too much to ask for? |
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