Spouse of someone with bipolar--a question

He calls me 20 times a day while we are both at work and interrogates me about what website I went to on the computer or whether or not I have a secret hidden bank account etc...My 8 year old son is having rage issues and twice hubby and I had to hold him down to keep him from hitting us and our toddler and throwing things at us- then 8 year old son told his Dad (we were never married to each other but are each married now with other children) so his Dad called DCFS on me even though he admitted he knew I would never purposely hurt the kid. Now we're under investigation and even though the case worker said it is proving to be unfounded and will probably just be dropped it is more stress than I can handle.

Then I have to wonder is now the time to leave hubby and upset the kids' lives especially if hubby just turns around and tells me what I want to hear to get us back together. Technically he is trying, he's going to doc appointments and taking meds but still #1 jerk behavior. And I have to wonder if 8 year old's behavior is a result of tension between hubby and I (he had this same problem when he was 4 and there were no obvious issues at the time). I am fighting daily to keep the crazy out myself. I daydream about running away with the kids to another state or even daydream that hubby will just kill himself and solve so many of my problems. It is awful of me and I hate myself for it and at the same time I'm grieving the loss of the marriage and family life I so desperately want.

I don't have time to concentrate on me like everyone tells me to do, I have to worry about my kids and am exhausted just from living every day. That and constantally having to deal with hubby's phone calls, accusations and outbursts who the hell has time or money for counseling for themselves? I won't even leave him alone with the kids, it's not that I think he will hurt them because he won't- I just don't like the way he talks to them and he is too irratic. I cry every time I get a chance and I feel like the ground is falling out from underneath me. I miss my Dad who died 4 months ago at age 58, my job is driving me crazy- they give me 80 hours of work to do and wonder why at the end of 40 hours I can't get it all done. I wish I could just check into the looney bin for a few days just to get a break myself but then 8 year old's dad would have a field day suing me for custody. At the risk of throwing a great big pity party for myself on this message board I apologize in advance but I have to take whatever chance I can get for a little bit of release. Thank you all.

You are going through alot.First off breath. But it really sounds like you better get your self help before you fall apart. I had to do the same thing to get through all of the stuff that has happened in my life in the last 3 yrs. It really is nice to have a place to vent, and get support, and have help sorting out my life.

Maybe get your 8 yr old help, too. Set boundaries with your job. Tell all the men in your life to take care of themselves. They are big boys, and can make their own decisions about what they want to do. There is a very necessary word in life. NO!!!.

I have a 10 yrold, that, I needed to get help with. I have a boyfriend that has jad problems, and had to tell him to get help, or, I was leaving. I finally after 5yrs into the relationship,told him it was my kid's and my turn. It has made such a difference.

Anyway, vent away, we are here for you, no matter what you do.

My husband left us, which looking back was probably the best thing that he could have done for the boys and I. I probably never could have made the decision to leave him because I chose to enable him instead. I am still struggling with all of the co-de[endency issues, but I will tell you how much calmer everything is now around here. As a single parent, I run like crazy and still have stress, but it's different now. I'm tired at the end (and beginning) of the day, but it is a different kind of tired now. I sleep better and feel better too. The boys and I have a long road ahead of us, but until my husband does what he needs to do to get well (take his meds and see a counselor) I need to separate myself and my kids from him as much as I can. He filed for divorce after starting up an affair with a much older woman.

Sure the boys miss their dad, but they do see him on weekends for visits. My husband was having rage issues and getting pretty physical with the kids. They were afraid of him. They started getting pretty mean to each other too and the older one's grades started to slip. I also had behavior issues with both of them in school. Things are much,much better now. Issues pretty much went away, but the boys and I have been seeing a counselor once a week since mid-January that specializes in dealing with those affected by mood and personality disorders and their families. Counseling has really, really helped us. Good luck. Keep in touch.

Post edited by: buhlir926, at: 03/21/2008 14:38

I just learned something new, recently. my son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5 yrs old. He has been on Stimulants all of that time. Well it turns out he is Bipolar. I looked up some info on kids with bipolar. They said that bipolars can be on ADHD meds if they are also on a mood stablizer, too.

If they are only on a stimulant, than it can make them worse. Also they can have both ADHD, and bipolar. So, they have to be treated for both. My son's pdoc kept him on Focaling, and added a bipolar med.

So, I thought, I would add this.

Nice to see you again, Bulhir, I was wondering what happened to you.

Background - he's 48, we've been married for 19 years, 2 teenage kids. Our favorite thing is talking to each other. He's normally a kind, gentle, patient, funny man that everyone (EVERYONE) likes. The kind of guy that attracts dogs and kids. The kind of guy that can talk to anyone about whatever they want to talk about, and enjoy himself. UNLESS he's depressed or in an anti-social mood.

He was diagnosed with depression about 15 years ago. I have been the initiator of all counseling/medical, my goal was for him to feel better. To a lesser degree, I wanted him to be better for the kids. He's gone through several anti-depressants, which made things a little better but not great.

About 2 years ago, I was able to get him to a counselor (he doesn't believe in them) because he was getting worse. She made us aware of BPII. Long insurance story short, he started lamactile May 07, steadily increasing dosage. I accompanied him to see doctor in Sept 07 because he was still having frequent depression, though the periods of isolation were 1 day instead of 3-4. I thought he might need an anti-depressant, too. The dr said that increasing the lamactile often helped to decrease/eliminate the depression. We decided to continue increasing.

Starting in January, I noticed that I couldn't talk to him as easily as I used to. His side of the conversation just didn't mesh with mine any more. He would be 2 thoughts ahead, or on a completely different tangent. This frustrated me. It frustrated him that I wouldn't abandon my original thought and switch to his.

This got ugly starting Monday, and then we had a HUGE fight on Thursday, and he said that the meds have helped him to "come out of the fog he's been in for 20 years" and that he's been thinking about his life, and that *I* am the reason that he has problems. That I am condescending, and that I need to take responsibility for being so rude and mean to him. He gave me several examples where he said that I was attacking him. Like, I asked him what we needed to do before my sister's family came for Easter. My thought was that everything was fine the way it was, and wanted to take pressure off him - but he thought I was trying to make him feel guilty for wanting to do yardwork instead of cleaning inside the house. I didn't know what to say. He even said that he doesn't feel emotionally safe around me all the time, because I'm so mean. He said that he knows I'm not doing it intentionally, but that I AM doing it, and I need to acknowledge it and change.

He flipped out on my poor mom last night for saying she didn't like our dog (which she has said a million times before - our dog is a tiny little yapper, and my mom is mostly kidding). I was in the kitchen, but overheard. I think I'm getting used to his snappiness, but my sister, brother-in-law, mom & dad were very shocked. He & my mom have always gotten along FINE. He is (was!) her favorite son-in-law. Later, he proudly told me what he had done because my mom was being so hateful. I heard the whole thing, and her tone was really not negative. He seems better today, but very tired.

You know, I had questions for the group, but after writing this whole thing, I think I see the answers. It's definitely the BP, isn't it? But could it be the meds? I need to go to the dr with him again, don't I?

Thank you,

Diane

Got to doc with him...and you take care of yourself too...write back or start your own thread...YOU ARE NOT ALONE...WE ARE HERE FOR YOU, AND HIM...

Our kids have noticed a difference, too. I'm grateful that they are older and willing to communicate openly with me. They've been waiting patiently - first for him to get on right meds, then for them to start working. We're all disappointed at this point, but determined to make him better.

I've read a lot of posts, and I agree with so many people here. I feel helpless, I hate the illness for HIM, and the future is scary.

Welcome to the group. As you can see there are lots of wonderful people here.

I have bipolar, and can relate to what your husband is going through.

I got on Lamictal, and it helped with the depression, but, not the mania.

I had to get another med added. I get dillusional, too. I get irritable, and think my boyfriend is out to get me.

I would try to get him to the doctor. Is he in therapy? Therapy has helped me take my issues out of my house, and beable to deal with them somewhere else. It might help to seek counseling for you, too, so you can have support with coping with him.

Remember you are not to blame for his illness. He needs to take responsibility for his illness. You can support him, but, you can't do it all for him.

Take time to take care of you. If you don't take care of you you wont beable to be there for anyone. The sick person frequently gets all of the attention , and everyone else loses out. Hang in there it will get beeter in time. My relationship has really improved since, I have gotten help.

I recently went through this with my hubby also.

What you described is exactly how my hubby was last week. Mine also has BPII and he was on the wrong meds for him. He was hypomanic, I believe (textbook definition anyway) but I can't know for sure because my hubby won't let me talk to his doctor. He also told me 90% of his problems and unhappiness are my fault but couldn't give me a single logical example of what he was talking about, then he told me that he was not going to take medications anymore because he thought it was all a consipracy by doctors, counselors and drug companies to tell people that are perfectly fine that they need medication. He also said that how he was acting is just who he is now and everyone would have to get used to it, and that it's opened his eyes to how crazy I am and how crazy everyone else is and that he's the only sane one.

It took me a week and a half to convince him to call his doctor to be taken off that med, he was then put back on Depakote and was fine again within a couple of days. For everyone's sake, do it as soon as possible. From my experience, it only escallates. I got so fed up with it I completely flew off the handle and told him to grow up, man up and get his s*** together- that he controls his own happiness and if he's not happy with his career, social life and so on that he should stop whining all the time and do something about it. I told him I refuse to be his doormat and that I won't let him drag me down with him. It shocked some reality back into him and within a few hours he admitted I was right and he called his doctor. Good luck to you, I know how difficult this is. Keep us posted. I'm new to this forum (and hubby newly diagnosed) and find great comfort in sharing information and stories with everyone here.