Spouse of someone with bipolar--a question

you're not alone. i'm the bipolar one but my ex husband was exactly like you're describing. he was verbally abusive and neglected me and our family and our marriage until it was destroyed. it's sad, but you're definitely not alone.

peace.

zinnia

This is a great attitude and good advice.

Alot of times I feel lonely,like I'm the only one in this world feeling this way.

I can relate to your feelings very well. I am struggling in much the same way. Please hang in there. This message board has many good threads. My mister and I are deciding whether or not we can work everything out ourselves. He has bpii.

autumnsky, when you have good times together, what are they like? Sometimes I have to look at the good times to remember what it is I am doing here.

Thanks, Shell

How do you know when you are being BP or if you are justified in having a visceral reaction to a bad situation or stupid jerk? It's not like you can make your life perfect for a week so that you can tell if your meds are really working or not.

I've been married for 26 years to a difficult man. I'm the one with bipolar, but he has his own problems too. When we first got married he hit me. No, that's not acceptable behavior, but I didn't know that then. People were always telling me to sit down and behave in my little manic spells. So when he said I wouldn't behave I thought I deserved to be hit. Many, many years later I found out that NO ONE could hit Otter, and I've stuck with it. The funny part of it all, is that my husband has come right along with this notion. Oh it hasn't been easy. We've had counseling and meds (on both sides) and lots and lots of tears. But I we have a successful marriage, a happy marriage. I left (FOR SAFETY REASONS) once for three months. It was awful. I missed him terribly, and I also had no where to go. I slept anywhere I could. That was 11 years ago. We've had tons of struggles since then and I've gotten involved in an abused woman's group, first as a member then later as a leader.

I hope I can be really clear here. I have seen women with a husband I would leave forever. One in particular I remember. He was just plain evil. He said he enjoyed hitting women. But the majority of those men wanted help, desperately. They may not have had the words to say that, but their actions showed it.

I spend so so much of my time working on myself, with being bipolar. I try not to let it hurt my husband. At the same time he is working to not hurt me. We joke that we are raising each other.

It hasn't been easy, any of it. The other day my husband quit his job, just up and quit. We NEED that job. So when I was talking to the girls at work, they had us divorced and me living with a lady from work. When I got home and talked to Jim, it was a different story. He's scared, confused and worried, just like I am. In short, he's as human and confused as I am. He's applied to some places we think he'll like more. I can't leave this man, I love him. I'm committed to him. In short, we need each other.

So use your wits, use your backbone, get support wherever you can. A woman's group, a church, family...I do think you need to find a safe place for awhile. But marriage isn't perfect, sometimes it's not even good, but it's a committment. Don't hurry to make permanent decisions. I ran in and out of our marriage for years. THAT'S what I regret, not the leaving or staying, but the in and outs with no plan. I still have a plan in my head, because we are still the same people. I have my expectations for Jim, and he with me. But we are together and we love each other and we will work out any problems we have. As for the purely stupid (shhh, don't tell him I called it that) stuff he says, I ignore part of it. As he ignores when I am stupid. Really it's not a bad deal. A marriage counselor or woman's anti-violence counselor can help you with a "plan." That's who started me. Once you stop being all over the place, it will begin to fall into step, and you'll know whether this is save-able or not.

Best wishes

Otter

When I look back it's obvious that my grandfather had ptsd from the war, and was an acoholic. My grandmother grew up in a very abusive house long before there was such a thing. Over the years their life together became one person if that makes sense. They have a very traditional life. He does all the "man" things and she does all the "woman" things. They drive each other crazy. But they cannot be a part. And neither one of them ever admitted they were wrong or that they were going to change. They just seemed to over the years.

It was a very different generation.

I do think that now people are more likely to jump when things get bad. But there is more self awareness and a greater quest for inner peace then before.

My expectation for the person I am involved with is not for them to be perfect but for them to be on the same quest that I am on. To look at themselves and work to be a better person. If they aren't or don't want to - then I have little in common with them.

Post edited by: bejeweled, at: 08/09/2008 10:08