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07/27/2011 04:46 AM

The mother of my child is bipolar

optical26
optical26  
Posts: 6
Member

Hello all,

I am glad that I found this site as I am in need of some guidance. The mother of my child was diagnosed as being bipolar about 4 years ago. She and I started dating at the beginning of Jan 2010 and it wasn't until May 2010 that she told me, she asked me not to talk about it and I agreed at the time not really understanding what it meant. When she and I started dating she told me she was married but waiting on the final divorce decree, I didn't judge her as I knew a lot of people in that same situation. Things were good until early Aug when she told me she was pregnant for another guy she slept with 2 months prior in June. I was hurt but I was in love with her and we stayed together, 6 weeks later she said the child wasn't his but that the child was mine. I was excited and that is when I realized that she still hadn't received her divorce decree. I started to talk to her about it and the legal effects it had on my daughter and I and I explained to her that her husband was presumed to be the legal father of her child. She brushed this off and didn't seem to care but I cared as I knew the short term/long term effects of this. The next 3 months things were getting worse and worse and I just assumed it was the pregnancy and she was always tired and took a lot of medication, she refused to let me go to doctors appointments with her and after awhile I felt like she just didn't care about me or that the child was in fact not mine since she refused to talk about her divorce for almost a year now and at the end of Nov we broke up because she never wanted to talk about anything that was important. I had always told her that I would be there for my child as a father and a parent regardless if she and I were together, two weeks after we split she started dating my little brother behind my back. I didn't know that at the time and she refused to speak to me so I moved to another state for a better job. I stayed in contact with her from Dec through Feb via email but when she responded back it was always cold and threatening when all I would ask for was a paternity test that was admissible in court, she still didn't want to accept the legal consequences of all of this and always made everything a personal attack on her from me when that never was the case. My daughter was born in Mar of this year and I found out because my mother saw pics of my little brother holding my child on facebook, that was the same time that I found out her and my brother had been dating since dec. I was extremely hurt as this was my first child and to find out she was born and my brother is holding her was heart-breaking but I pressed on and never brought that up as my only concern was for my daughter. Her mother still refused to speak to me so I sued her for a paternity test in mid April. She was angry, threatened me and called me every name in the book while swearing that I would never see my child, she even sent me emails of “proof” from a doctor that the child wasn't mine. I just didn't understand why she just couldn't accept that she left me no other options and I still needed to be legally recognized as the childs father as a private paternity test was not good enough. I sued her and her husband but only she came to court and was ordered to give me a paternity test. On Jul 2nd we received the results back and that is when I found out I officially had a daughter. I was excited and hurt at the same time because I had already missed about 4 months of my daughter's life. Her mother immediately demanded child support from the date the child was born and threatened to sue me repeatedly for it. I always wanted to support my daughter financially and every way possible which is why I sued for the paternity test in the first place. I spent the next 2 weeks trying to talk it out with her while my lawyer petitioned the court do that the judge could rule on the paternity results and hopefully make me my daughters legal father and not her husband. She refused to understand this and didn't care and refused to speak to me. I then at this time decided to go back through the emails that I had sent to her and she to me and see if there was something that I said that triggered all of this hostility and anger towards me and that is when I found the emails that we talked about when she told me she was diagnosed as being bipolar. It all hit me at that moment as I did as much research as I could for the rest of that day on bipolar disorder, 80% of the stuff that she did made sense to me at that point and I promised myself that I wouldn't make the same mistake twice with my daughter, I promised myself that I would educate myself and allow myself to be educated by other people so that my daughter knew she had two parents that loved her. I briefly spoke with her mother about her being bipolar and how we failed to address it while we were in a relationship and that it is a part of who she is and that we needed to embrace it and do everything we could for our daughter. I told her that we failed as a couple because we hid that from each other and never gave ourselves a chance and knowing each other 100% and that we owed it to our daughter to give it our all. She didn't respond back at the time but a few days later we started talking and I didn't bring the subject up again. She soon started acting the same way as before and I finally sued her again this time for joint custody and I put myself on child support. She became angry again and refused to go to court and did the same things over and over again refusing to let me see my daughter. I sent her a little bit of money as I don't have much because court is expensive but I owe it to my daughter to fight for her regardless of what is happening with her mother and I. There were a lot of things that I could have handled differently in the beginning, I have a lot of patience and am very understanding. I like to plan things and think ahead and those same traits were the reason why she fell in love with me but the same reasons why she hated me once we broke up. I have yet to hold my daughter and she has sent me pics of her but it has been about a week since we spoke and things have gotten worse as she has brought my mother into this. I love my mother but this is my life and she should remain neutral and only care about her granddaughter but she couldn't and even believed the lies that she has told and by acknowledging her lies has encouraged her to continue to deny me my daughter and has even prompted her to file for sole custody. I was hurt my mother just believed her when they had never spoke before and she is still dating my brother but I am upset that she even got my mother involved as I have never spoken to her parents about it because they should remain neutral. My mother has stopped speaking to me and has even threatened that if I contact her again she will sue me for harassment. I know that may sound a little extreme coming from my mother but my mother admitted to me in early Jun that she was diagnosed as being bipolar as well. It explained a lot about my childhood and they are very similar people, the excessive lies, the hyper sexuality, my childhood was horrible and I had 4 other siblings who never knew their fathers because of my mother, she always told us they never wanted to be a part of our lives but as I got older I started to realize that she wasn't being 100% truthful about that and after reading about the symptoms of being diagnosed as being bipolar, I realized it was a control issue and that to her it was much easier to lie to us and not try to share responsibility with them. She sacrificed a chance for us to have a relationship with our fathers because she couldn't deal with it and I think that was a selfish act but I am an adult and I love my mom and she did the best she could. My fear is that my mother will convince her that she can raise this child by herself and my child is denied a father because of it. I am in no way trying to say that because she has been diagnosed as being bipolar that she cant be a great mother, all I am saying is that our daughter deserves a chance to have both her parents in her life and not have to choose one or not being given the opportunity to know each of them. My mother never accepted it and was only put on medication the past 2 years after she suffered 3 breakdowns throughout my childhood and one 2 years ago. Any advice is appreciated and sorry this is so long I just don't want things to get any worse and it becomes an all out battle with my daughter caught in the middle. I have already found a wealth of tips and ideas on here and wanted a more personal story to give me a better perspective. Thanks

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07/27/2011 05:17 AM
soy70
soy70  
Posts: 1813
Senior Member

Wow. I myself don't have a similar experience to share but I just wanted to offer my support because I do feel you have been wronged in many ways.

Having bipolar myself, I've always eventually shared this with boyfriends and was always willing to talk about it and answer questions. It just seems part of the responsibility of having this disorder. And seems even more so when a new life comes into the picture. There are now very important things to talk about and sort out.

But she seems to have taken irresponsibility to a new level.

I am sure people will read this and have some experience to help you with all this. A lot of her actions are not because of her bipolar, I believe. I am sorry and hope you don't give up and eventually get what you are entitled to .

I wish you the best,

Soy

Post edited by: soy70, at: 07/27/2011 05:18 AM


07/27/2011 07:07 AM
ApRiLGeTsAngry77

I am sorry you are going through all this. I feel the mother of your child also may have a personality disorder. A lot of what you have wrote could very well be more of a personality disorder other than bipolar. I am glad you found out that you are the father.

Also just wanted to mention to you that you may want to edit your thread and break it up into smaller paragraphs as you may get more responses that way. The thread as it is now is hard to read because it is so long.

(((hugs))))


07/27/2011 07:50 AM
Cthebird
Cthebird  
Posts: 5275
Group Leader

I hope you get to visit your daughter soon. I'm not sure what made your girlfriend do the things she did (bipolar or as other hinted at, just plain bad behavior). I can say that your brother and mother should be ashamed of themselves. Just my opinion.

07/27/2011 09:21 AM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42707
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

It sounds like you need a really good lawyer on your side to at least get you visitation rights. As her father you have every right to them. I am sorry you are going through this. As April pointed out, this isn't necessarily bipolar related at all, but if some of it is it's because it sounds like she may not be taking her medications and is in serious need of some sort of intervention. Shame on your mother and brother for not standing up for you and for even actively working against you by their actions. Keep pursuing legal action to force her to give you what is rightfully yours. I know it ends up a battle with your daughter caught in the middle, but it sounds like the alternative is not seeing her at all.

07/28/2011 04:59 AM
optical26
optical26  
Posts: 6
Member

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I do have a very good lawyer but what scares me is that I filed ofr joint custody with her being the custodial and domiciliary parent. I think it is in my daughter's best interest that she be with me but the law is so murky on this. I know that I would foster the relationship between my daughter and her mother but her mother wouldnt. The laws says I need to prove that she is unfit but that shouldnt be the ultimate factor. I shouldnt have to go in court and attack this person, instead I should be able to just present a case that shows that I will better be able to handle all the things that may take place without damaging the alreadly strained relationship that I have with her mother. She threatened me two times yesterday after she recieved the court papers, she says she is going to fie for sole custody and ask for zero visitation until I receive some therapy and that I will never see my daughter. I didnt respond to her but those are horrible things to say to someone. She has control issues and I am sads that my daughter is caught in the middle. I dont know how this is going to turn out. I dont want her mother to not be in her life but I am afraid that her actions may make it necessary. I dont believe my daughter is any any physical danger but the emotional and psychological damage that has already been caused and will probably only get worse it was scares me. I dont think her mother is going to cooperate with the visitation plan the judge issues. I am trying to cone up with some provisions to add to it to ensure that my daughter has access to me and I to her without fear of her mother just keeping her from me because I am not doing what she says.

07/28/2011 05:04 AM
optical26
optical26  
Posts: 6
Member

I think you all are right. I am pretty sure she has other things that she has been diagnosed iwth but she will never tel me especially now. I know that she had anger management issues and was ordered by the military to attend classes but she stopped going and she told me about two weeks ago she was kicked out of group therapy, I just dont know what type of therapy she was in. I want my daughter to have both her parents in her life and if things get tough for her, and I cant be the custodial parent then at lest she will have a place to come to if she needs or wants it. I hope that her mother realizes what she is truly doing before it is too late. I resent my mother a little and have had a very basic relationship with her once I graudated high school. I dont want that for my daughter I want her to knwo that both her parents love her.

07/28/2011 05:36 AM
sifted
sifted  
Posts: 917
Senior Member

Wow optical, this really sucks.

I admire you for being persistant and fighting for your daughter. Fight the good fight! Hope that the courts see through this.

Have you punched your brother out yet, I probably would have. Not suggesting you do but I'm sure you felt like it. What a creep!

Good luck......


07/28/2011 05:57 AM
optical26
optical26  
Posts: 6
Member

No..I havent punched my brother yet lol..I have been so focused on my daughter that I just dont care about anything outside of her and making sure that my right to her are protected. I have put up with quite a lot as I have very thick skin but the only thing that gets to me is not being able to see my child. The mother of my child knows this and uses it against me and I think that once she knows I have legal custody and right sto my child she will lose that contol and will have to play by the rules so to speak. Its unfortunate that it is happening like this but I will remain strong and patient for my daughter. It's a small sacrafice to not see her since she was born but to be able to hold her foerver is worth it.

07/28/2011 07:38 AM
soy70
soy70  
Posts: 1813
Senior Member

Wonderful what you said at the end. Truly touching.

Best of luck sounds inappropriate in this situation but I mean it in the best way.

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