BP and internet dating??

Her news today is that she plans to head out to the midwest (we both live on the west coast) to spend a week or so with a man she "met" on the internet a week or so ago. He claims to be a wealthy doctor and has told her to quit her job (ie. retire early) and that he is going to buy a home for them to live in and that he will "take care of her." She tends to be VERY naive and believes what most people tell her - the same goes in this case. He may very well be telling the truth (or not) but my mind thinks, "who knows?" Emailing a stranger for a week's time is certainly not enough to make me quit my job and move 2,000 miles away.

While I surely cannot prevent her from doing as she will, I feel like I should say something to her......sort of. The truth is, if she were to move away I would not miss her. We have a strained and distant relationship and I actually would be relieved to not see her very often, if at all. We currently live in the same town and I only go to see her out of guilt/obligation. On the other hand, I don't want to see her be harmed by someone or be in any sort of danger. I have not talked to her about this at all but I know if I brought it up and did NOT agree with her, she won't listen to me anyway.....sometimes it even provokes a pretty angry reaction, something I am just sick of dealing with altogether. She has convinced herself this guy is the "love of her life," just like the other 5-6 men she has met over the internet lately.......

Do I have a responsibility to say something to her, at least as a warning to be careful, or should I forget about it? I'm tired of being the parent in this situation - she is almost 60 years old and I am in my late 30's - I wish she would "grow up" but I know she won't. I have a husband and 3 teenagers and therefore enough in my life to deal with without all this drama . Over the last few months she has "dated" several men, sometimes in person, and has professed to many instances of unprotected sex, another dangerous practice. She's an adult and it's her life but it seems to be more than dating and having fun.....it's like she's on overdrive with the promiscuity and impulsivity. What's worse is that she walked away from a 20 year marriage (albeit most of those years were miserable for both of them) a couple years back without batting an eye, so to speak. They are still legally married but not living together. Her husband (my stepdad) gave her the money to take care of the divorce but she spent the money on something else, big mistake on his part. She recently bought a car she can't afford, started smoking again after not for many years, and is seemingly addicted to the internet and internet dating. She has even called in sick to stay home and chat online - something of which I find very odd.

I am mostly concerned with this trip she plans to take to the midwest. I think it's a huge gamble to take on someone she doesn't know. I don't know what I could say to stop her or if it's even a good idea, or worth it. I've spent most of my 36 years feeling guilty for one thing or another when it comes to her, I'm tired of it. But if she leaves and is hurt or even worse, do I spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for not saying anything - even though I'm sure she wouldn't listen anyway??? Right now she is very self-centered, very irritable when not giddy, and thinks of me as the person who represents everything she can't stand (or can't stand this week anyway).

She also has a 32 year old girl friend who looks up to her (they met only this past summer) as a mother and who sees nothing wrong with my mom's behavior - the friend thinks I'm an "uptight *itch." She seems to encourage my mom with everything, almost in spite of my discouragement. I once thought about talking to her about all of this but once I came to my senses, I realized it would be a waste of time and would get me nowhere. I've put up with a lot of emotional and verbal abuse from my mom throughout my whole life but I still don't want to see her in a precarious situation, nor do I want to "pick up the pieces" from any of this. I'm also angry that I even have to consider any of this.

Any suggestions??? Thanks in advance

Then leave the ball in her court and walk away.

Hugs

Carmen

Generally speaking, I have reminded her that it "takes all kinds" and that there are weirdos on the internet, sometimes really dangerous ones (as there could be at a bar, at work, etc...). She responded by giving me the worst look she could come up with and told me to "f*ck right off." I noticed in the weeks following that conversation that she seemed to pursue the internet dating even more - she seems to enjoy being "spiteful" -her perception of most people, when they disagree with her or whatever, is that we're all "trying to control her." Not the case - I learned a long time ago she was beyond anyone's control.

In a way, I wouldn't mind if she moved (as long as she was not in harm's way). I love her but I don't like her; needless to say, we have a pretty crappy relationship. Putting up with her emotional and verbal abuse over the years made me resent her a great deal and I have considered severing the ties on more than one occasion. If she moved away, I see it as an opportunity to make the task of severing our relationship that much easier. She's no better than I am at keeping in touch with family a great distance away, so it isn't likely I would hear from her much, if at all, anyway. Back in the 80's we lived on opposite coasts and until I had my daughter in 1991, she and I basically did not communicate, and by choice on both sides. She's told me she wishes she would have never moved back to the west coast (where I have always lived) and I couldn't agree with her opinion more. My extended family situation is pretty pathetic.

Anyway.....I'm rambling.....I'm still on the fence about what to say, if anything. I do like your idea of leaving the ball in her court once I say what I have to say. No sense in hounding her about it afterwards. I won't be picking up the pieces nor lending her any money if she goes through with this and it goes bad somehow and she knows that. Thanks for your reply

I have similar problems with my mother - only now she's too old to go screwing around. Now she just lays in bed from a stroke because she refused to do any of the exercises recommended to get her body working again. She, too, has a "friend" who is my age and calls her every day because she has a "captive ear" in my mother and I guess my mother feels like she has someone else to "stir the pot" with, as I no longer deal with her on a daily basis.

With regard to the internet dating. I was introduced to a man, a doctor as well, by a friend in another state. He has also on the internet, and as I later found out, inviting various women he didn't even know and had barely spoken with, to come and stay with him. Before I discovered this, he came to my state to visit me - he stayed with his sister who lives here and I flew to his state and spent a week in a hotel (which I paid for, as he said he was broke) getting to know him. Then he came back here for 5 days on his way home from a medical course in France and we drove back to his state together in my car, so I could get to know my way around there as he wanted me to move there in January (now). I met him the end of August and by the end of September, he was telling me he wanted to get engaged and start trying to have a baby with me. His divorce was final the last week in June. Does this sound "normal" to you? If I had met him on the internet, I would have thought he was nuts, but my friend there kept telling me what a nice guy he was and that the men where she lives aren't nuts like the ones near me (not that she knew him - she only saw him at dinner parties given by a mutual friend and this guy had only been in their state for 4 years).

On my 2nd trip there (the one with my car), I started to notice that he was not as he represented himself. I felt something was very wrong, but I stuck it out for the full two weeks and tried no to "rock the boat" too much. Once I drove home, I confronted him on the phone rather harshly about all that I had seen there. He addressed my concerns and I thought all would be OK until two days later, I didn't hear from him so I called to hear a "different" voice on the other end saying he needed his "space". That was the first week in November and I haven't heard from him since! A neighbor of mine, upon hearing the letters this man has written me, said "is he bipolar?" and I began my internet research journey. I think my guy was indeed undiagnosed BP2 or cyclothymia and he is now looking for his next victim on the internet. From what I have heard on these message boards, my guy disappeared because I was discovering the truth about him. He's gone off to charm another stranger now.

I am giving you this example, because I think that most of the men on the internet have undiagnosed personality disorders. Especially in your mother's age group. Unless they are widowers. Just think of it, why would a successful doctor, respected in his field, need to go in the web to find a date??? In another state yet?? A friend of mine was fixed up with a widower several years ago and it is the ONLY normal man she has met in years. They are married now. He was a successful CFO of a big company - he didn't need to go in the internet. People he knew were fixing him up left and right.

This is a truism - if a man has a few cents to rub together and is NORMAL - he doesn't need to go online to meet women. Be sure you get his name and address and do a google on doctor check websites to verify that he is who he says he is. I knew my guy's entire medical school and residency background and had read 180 patient reviews of him before I even met him. My guy was beyond legit, but there are crazy, dangerous people out there, so please bring your mom down to earth and do some checking before she goes there.

When I was doing internet dating 4 years ago, all the men I met were weird or damaged in a way that did not allow them to have a relationship. I gave up, but I have friends still trying and their experiences are the same. In the younger age groups, there is potential for meeting and marriages, but not in the over 40 age group. It is a lost cause and a waste of time.

Better safe than sorry.

Post edited by: chattycathy, at: 01/12/2008 23:59

Post edited by: chattycathy, at: 01/13/2008 00:25