Bipolar Support Group

I have not been on here in what seems like forever. I pop on and read from time to time. I am in a rut. I had moved now live in the country. I thought that it would be good for me. It has helped in other ways just not what I thought. My moods are more unstable then before. I get along with my son daughter and husbadn just not well outside the door. I cry at the drop of a hat pin any more. My husband bought me birds because he thought interacting with them may help( they are supposed to talk) so it was supposed to make me mindful of how I talk when in a bad down swing of my bipolar.

I refuse to use my "condition" as an excuse for my actions. If I know I have an issue then I have to work harder then ever to not to offend or hurt those I love. My meds are not working. I know that I need to see a dr but I have no way to get to drive over 30 miles to see them. It has been over a year.

I have made allot of poor choices and in doing so it effects all I love. Thank God I had enough common scence to do what was needed for my husband while he was in ICU last year. I have had break down upon break down. My mind is clouded and on that off day when it is clear I say,"dam so thats what being normal feels like..why can't it be like this all of the time?'

Most days I am a grump, noone wants to be around me and that translates to me hiding in the house being anti social and then when I am up to par being social is a struggle because I never know what to say or how to act.

I feel more comfortable with the wild cyotes,bears,cougars, and grapes then trying to interact at times. I put on this facad that I am okay and force a smile when I can. All the while fighting tears and frustration.

I have punched trees just to let out anger. I have went for walks etc. I have hung up on people and pushed people away. I basically have one friend left and if I keep it up no matter what I do to fight with myself to stay posotive I will loose her too. I know I have my family but I feel so alone. I feel like I have when I first was diagnosed. Full of dispare, depression, hopelessness. I just want to scream.

I have to say, and I know you won't like it, but it sounds like your meds are losing their effect.

It's tempting to think its you when it could be that thing you pop in your mouth every morning. Can you work out a plan for you husband to drive you?

It's a crappy place to be, mentally I mean. The countryside sounds nice. I'm sorry your moods are taking away the enjoyment of it all.

I hope things start changing, I wish you the best.

Ditto on the meds and the husband bringing you to the pdoc... You shouldnt have to be dealing with this.

Thank you. I know I have talked with my pcp and she has tweeked them. I have to find transportation. Car is down. I have tried to call the office to see if there was any programs I could get into locally. Even if once a month for support until I could get in. Nada. It sucks. I appreciate the sympathy and oddly enough it is reassuring that you say it may be the meds not working. At least I know I am not a hundred percent crackers. The thought actually had not crossed my mind. I had been on them for so long that it has become second nature.

For the moment the bright side is I guess I still have a small support system around me in my immediate family and you all here. Mdjunction and all of you have saved my sanity before so to speak...I am just praying that it can help me again. Thanks again

hi, how are you today ? x

I am sorry about the delay in my reply. I just totally shut down and hid so to speak for a few days. It took forever to get a hold of anyone at the place I get help. I was directed to talk to my councilor. So I had called and called. My husband called the supervisor. Come to find out she had been let go a few months before or she left or something. So he made an appointment for me to start all over again. I am so frustrated but I went to the appointment. My foot is in the door. I had slipped through the cracks and noone noticed.

Anyway today I am about the same. I just wish this dispare and dread feeling would go away. I will not put myself around negative people by choice. I am trying at least. What is worse this weekend my family and I were on the highway and my tire exploded. I chalked it up to maybe heat, etc. But then we took it to the shop. Fourth tire, same issue stems were broke. Someone tampered with them...could have been killed. Clutch on Hubby's bike was tampered with too, it is also same area as one of the break lines. Had to do another report...I feel paranoid. I do not know if I am this way because of what is happening or what. But these are valid things that have been reported.you know??? Best part as I have said now I live in the country...only to find out neighbors know old neighbors...grr fry the pan to the fire...I just cannot win. Maybe mars will be habitable soon???

Oh and thank you for asking