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07/10/2011 12:57 PM

Bipolar ex-boyfriend?

Posts: 6

hi, I just wanted to start this off by telling everyone this is my first ever post on here and sorry if this is too long or full of irrelevant information. There's just so much on my mind and I'm not really sure what is relevant to the questions I want to ask.

So, my ex and I met about 2 years ago. We went to school together. We didn't really have a class together but the way the classes were set up his and ours would do stuff together alot. At school we talked a little and I could tell he kind of liked me. Nothing happened though and summer started and I figured I'd never see him again since he graduated and never tried to call or anything. So skip to that next a few months. he drove by me when I was walking out of a store and we recognized each other. He asked for my number and started texting me and we went on a date. At first I didn't even think of if as a date, and I didn't want anything like that. I just wanted to be friends. but the date actually went really great. I don't think either of us wanted it to end we dragged it out till about 3 in the morning. However, the next day I thought about it and still didn't want to start a relationship with him. he wanted to go out again though. He wanted to be a couple. So (just letting you know I still feel bad about this. I have done it to just about every guy that has wanted a relationship with me, I don't know why I do it, I just do.) I started to talk to him less and less and would blow him off or ignore him. I did this for about three months. He would text me every once in a while and I still wouldn't answer him. Then, I started to realize that I kindle missed him. We had so much fun together and I really did like him I just didn't want a relationship. So I started to text him back. And we hung out again. We had a good time, like friends would. Before I went home he asked why I ignored him for so long. I just told him that I guess I got a little freaked out. I told him I was sorry, but he didn't seem angry or anything, just confused. After that we started hanging out again, and the times we hung out started turning into dates again. This time, I just let it. I decided to give it a try. Things were going great. He treated me with respect and affection. I started to fall in love with him. So after about a month and a half one week he starts blowing me off. It happened out of nowhere and I got confused. I tried making plans and nothing. We hang out once that week and it only happened because I told him I might have to move ( which was true) after the night we hung out, I told him I wasn't going to be moving any time in the near future, he seemed excited. However, he started blowing me off again even though he knew I was going to be going out of town for a week. So the morning before I left, I was fed up I texted him asking what was going on and if there was a reason he was avoiding me. He acted like he wasn't, but I knew I wasnt overreacting. I told him he was and he told me he was sorry we hadn't hung out in a while, and then he told me that he loved me. So I came back from my trip and everything was great again for a month or two, with a few times where he would act a little distant, but I would just give him some space and he would be okay within a day or two. He introduced me to all his family (something he told me he hasn't done with any girls before) and he even opened up to me about some of the troubles he has had growing up. We both said I love you again, but this time it wasn't because of a fight or to make up. Things were good and we both just felt it. However, I was going to have to move soon. About 3 weeks before I had to move he started being distant again. The thing is, I don't think he even knew that I was moving. We never really talked about it, we just lived in the moment I guess you could say. So I would try and talk to him about it. Again, he pretended like nothing was wrong. This went on for a week or two and finally I just asked if he wanted to break up. He made it out to be that I was overreacting. He tolde it was " up to me" if we were going to break up. And told me to call him later when I had " calmed down" later we talked and he pretty much had a breakdown saying he didn't deserve me and that he had things to deal with that I couldn't help him with. He said to give him time. So I did, I left it at that. The next day, I didn't try to talk to him, and he contacted me. So I asked if he wanted to get together. He said no, he still wasn't feeling good but i saw a post on Facebook of him saying stuff like who wants to chill! So I called him out on it. We started fighting. He told me that he still wasn't feeling okay and he didn't want to talk about things that would make him feel bad or fight with me. I told him things couldnt ever get better if he kept on avoiding me. He said he didn't want to hurt me but agreed to see me. So we talked, sorta. He said he distances himself from people who are close to him and he doesn't know why. He also told me that he goes into depressions sometimes and he said he has bipolar disorder. Again he told me to give him time. So for the rest of the week I would just text him and try and have small conversations, but nothing serious, and I didn't try and see him. That Friday I went to go see him without asking, because he had told me he was drinking by himself and I wanted to make sure he was okay. I got there and he told me to go home. Later, he told me that we needed to take time apart( over text message). He said a serious relationship wasn't good for him at the time. I was upset, but I realized nothing I could say or do would change his mind so I told him okay. I asked if he wanted to see me before I had to move, and he said yes. We did and when we did we did everything we used to, without kissing or anything like that but we cuddled and the whole night he had his arms around me. After that before I left he asked when I was leaving and how long I was going to be gone. Then he said we would see each other before I left. He didn't make it happen, and honestly I never exected him to. There wasn't really any time to in the first place, and I could tell that when he

Would agree to see me it was like a chore. It was like he was hanging out with me to make me happy even though he didn't really want to. So i left, we have talked a few times since, but nothing about the relationship, just like hey how are you, that kind of stuff. I was feeling better but I'm moving back in a week and we are going to be going to the same college, and the truth is I still love him. I want him back, but I am confused. So what I am asking is does it sound like his actions towards me are because of his bipolar disorder? If so what exactly causes him to not want to be around me at all but okay with others? Do you think he really cares about me, or did he just not have the balls to tell me that he just doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I guess if you have any insight on depressions and bipolar disorder I could use it. I don't know much about it, and even if I don't end up back with him I can try and understand what exactly happened.

Thank you to anyone that read this, it was pretty long and probably hard to follow my jumbled thoughts Smile


07/11/2011 07:16 AM
Posts: 1811
Senior Member

It's common for people with bi-polar, as well as many people without, to be scared of relationships getting too close. Maybe his past ones were tumultuous and he doesn't want to go down that road right now. Do you think he's looking for some space? If he is, the best thing to do to protect yourself is to give him some. But I could be completely wrong. Just something to think about. Good luck!

07/11/2011 07:40 AM
Posts: 309

It sounds to me like he doesn't know exactly what he wants. My advise: Give him lots of space, if its going to happen it'll happen.

07/11/2011 07:56 AM
Posts: 6985
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

First I just want to say WELCOME to the group! Your relationship sounds a lot like some of mine, I used to "run" when things start getting too serious, I have been hurt a lot and was scared of being hurt again. I am now married and trying to make it work, I think the meds are helping a lot because my urges to run usually went hand in hand with mania and hypo-mania. It could be that he just doesn't want to get too serious and/ or that he's afraid of hurting you. The best thing that you can do is just let him take the lead and give him his space. If this continues for too long though I would suggest moving on if you are looking for a serious relationship. I wish you the best of luck!

07/11/2011 08:23 AM
spec13Posts: 144

Hi Lovefrog17, I'm new also, and I was about to post a story much like yours, although my friend (BF--well, we were exploring that) and I are much older than you (this may get better, but it won't go away). Maybe it will help you to hear a similar experience, but above anything else, you are very young & have the whole world ahead of you. This guy CAN be a friend, and you don't have to have a romantic relationship if it is not what you feel is healthy or best right now. You can always try it later, if the time is right.

My friend and I have been friends for many years, since high school. Since he tried to be upfront with me about his BPD when he was still feeling well, I know that what soy70 said about past relationships not "working out" is true. Our first "date" experience was very much like the one you describe--I thought we were hanging out as friends (I was back in my hometown, planning to move there & catching up with many people, including this guy)--but we had tons in common, were both single, and after a few weeks of thought, I agreed to date him.

Work & life postponed my move, but he stuck with me anyway for the last 10 months. In hindsight, it was probably easy for him to have a very busy, long-distance gf, because there was quite a bit I didn't have to see, and he could call & visit when he felt well.

Now, after 3 weeks in the same city and 1 argument a week ago, he feels "we should no longer date," "the spark is gone," "we've reached our expiration date," "we need to reassess," "that was just hormones and feelings, but rational thought says we should be friends," and "I could see you in the future for a long time, but I guess it was just a gradual realization and now I don't see you there anymore." Of course, all of these things could be true (a little weird at 35, after years of knowing me and nearly a year of dating, and the closeness we'd expressed very recently), but when we talked in person about it, he came with references to "having a shouting match". Of course I hadn't shouted at him once or even been unpleasant--it was as if he was experiencing a slightly different reality until I brought him back by saying,"Hey,nobody's shouting here. You're talking to a person who has always cared for and loved you, and wouldn't yell at you." He calmed down, but he truly believes he is no longer interested. It may be true, or it may be BP, no idea.

I suppose I thought he was managing his BP with better control than he in fact is, but I know now that he has been struggling with several manic episodes in the last month. He also has physical symptoms (really bad migraines and back pain) that seem to be an attempt to control his outward behavior. Add to that my recent move from out of town to the same town, and a few days together when we both felt very close to one another and vulnerable--throw in an argument (which was much like yours--I didn't expect him to tell me he was feeling very ill, drop off the face of the earth (inspiring a ton of worry), and turn up hanging out with everyone but me as if he felt fine!)--and you have a perfect storm.

I empathize that it is not easy to live his life at all, and would never wish this on such a dear friend--but I'm also not going to stay in a romantic relationship with a person who thinks he can project past experience onto me and break up whenever he feels overwhelmed. I've read that it's common for the other person to feel better, realize what's happened, and try to come back. If so, we'll have a lot of talking to do, and I'm just not certain it's a good idea.

07/12/2011 12:23 PM
Posts: 6

Thank you to everyone that posted, it really means alot to me.

I have been giving him space so far, and I am going to listen to the advice you all have given me and continue to do so.

Sometimes though I just can't help thinking about the whole thing. He was the one who made things serious from the start. He introduced me to all his family and friends. He was the one to tell me he loved me. I didn't have a problem with any of that I just don't get how it could all just end so quickly.

Aso1979able, your post helped me see things from his point of view a little bit better, thank you so much. It really did help me Smile

And spec13 thanks for sharing your story as well. I could relate to just about everything you said. Good luck to you, I'm sure everything will work out for the best


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