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ZadieBlue Posts: 3814
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I uncharacteristically left a message for my therapist last evening telling her I was depressed. I'm still reeling from my bad interview. She called back this morning, prescribed a few things (like to get out and take a walk, etc.), then said she'd call me back this evening to see how everything went. Well I stayed in bed for most of the day, feeling sick (still) from surgery for at least half the day. When she called I lied and told her I'd taken that walk. I don't want to seem like I don't want to help myself. My pdoc authorized me to increase my Prozac from 20 to 40 mg even though he doesn't like to make such changes in between sessions. But once he said yes, I got nervous. But if I landed in the hospital, I'm sure they'd raise my Prozac anyway . . . ? I see my tdoc tomorrow. It's so hard sitting there totally depressed discussing things I can DO to help myself, because I lack faith and energy. I make promises I can't keep. I'd rather sleep 20 hours a day or worse. I lay on my bed staring off into space; my dogs lay on the floor near the bed wondering, waiting. How do you take steps to improve your situation when you're to depressed and exhausted to accomplish anything??? Don't get me wrong -- I want to feel better. Don't we all?!? But I can't seem to accomplish even the littlest of things, and when I do it seems like there should be an f-ing parade in celebration. I have zero support. My family has been in Europe for ages. No one knows, and no one cares. I pretty much don't exist anyway. I'm that depressed tree in the forest with no one around, and I'm about to fall -- Zadie Post edited by: ZadieBlue, at: 06/16/2011 03:56 PM "I'm going to quit -- dried turkey." - Anonymous
"I forgot my mantra." - Annie Hall
"Knocked me on the head and sent me spinning
It was a blast I can't remember the last time
Stand between two poles and hold your arms up
I'll kick me over your head and stock down . . . " - Throwing Muses
Female, age 37
Bipolar I (mild)
• Episodes / cycling happen most often during Spring and Fall allergy season; some dissociation possible during episodes.
• GAD dx 12/11, PTSD traits, ED (in recovery)
• Boarding school survivor :)
PSYCH:
Adderall 15 mg x 2 • Prozac 40 mg • Ativan 1.5 mg • Geodon 120 mg • Starting Lithium again
(Levothyroxine 50 mcg • Atenolol 12.5 mg x 2 • Clonidine 0.1 mg x 3).
ALLERGY / ASTHMA -- (Winter / Spring cocktail): Levocetirizine • Alvesco HFA 160 mcg • Ketotifen Fumarate PRN • Flovent • ProAir PRN
Mercy Buckets to everyone!!!
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YorkieLove Posts: 7028
VIP Member
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Zadie, I completely understand how you are feeling. Even the smallest things you can do to energize yourself are good. Get out of the house. That is the quickest, easiest way to give yourself a boost. Even if it's just a ride in the car. I even take my dogs with me sometimes. If I were you, I'd increase.the prozac, but that's just me. Lisa
My advice is purely personal. I am not a Doctor and there is NO substitute for getting proper medical diagnosis and advice.
Bipolar II, Depressed Severe
Lamictal 400 mg
Seroquel 150 mg
Effexor 150 mg
Inderal 10 mg
Ambien 5 mg
Lithium 1200 mg |
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ASO1979able Posts: 6985
VIP Member
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I'm sorry you are struggling right now. I know how it feels to want to jusst stay in bed and never get up, I have spent days (sometimes weeks) in bed. When I am depressed it takes everything I have to get up and take a shower but I have found that if I make myself get up and do something for myself like take a shower and get dressed I feel a little better afterwards. Maybe you can start with something small like that ( I say small but when you're depressed it's HUGE). Just a suggestion, I hope you start feeling better soon. ((((BIG HUG)))) I am not a professional, any and all advice that I give is based solely on personal experiences and is not intended to take the place of a medical or mental health professional.
My diagnosis:
Bipolar I Extreme rapid cycling, General Anxiety disorder, Social anxiety disorder, PTSD, Fibromyalgia
My meds:
Equetro 800mg
Klonopin 1mg as needed for anxiety
Celexa 40mg
Atarax
Lyrica 100mg x 3 a day |
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Catbaloo  Posts: 4834
Group Leader
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The best thing you can do is to be completely honest with your tdoc tomorrow. Tell her that you are so depressed that just moving is hard work. She'll understand: it's her job to understand and to help you. People with bipolar disorder get depressed. It's the nature of the beast. She is there to help you through it if you let her. You really do sound so low. I wish I could give you a big hug and reassure you that people do care. We really do. You aren't alone. I felt just like you not long ago. I was so depressed. I couldn't even make myself go to the grocery store until I literally had nothing in the house to eat. I didn't go anywhere. I rarely took showers, I didn't get out of my pajamas all day... it was bad. The only thing that helped me was getting on some medication. It definitely sounds like you should take your doctor's advice and up your Prozac. You need something to make you feel better. Until you get your brain chemistry right, nothing is going to help, in my experience. All the walks in the world don't help when you are that depressed. When your brain chemistry is off you need something to make it right and that is the right medicines. Please talk to your doctors about what is going on and be completely honest. They can't help us if they don't know what's going on in our heads. Big hugs! My opinions are just opinions, and should be taken as such. I am not an expert on medicines or BP disorder. |
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Sparkerama
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I think that the interview twisted you. You left it with negative thoughts, emotions and beliefs, they formed the standard feedback loop we often call the downward spiral, and you're getting hammered with depression right now. What you do about it comes down to personal preference. I use cognitive techniques, but you're schooled in many of the options and may already know what tends to work for you. When I used to get real down, I used Distress Tolerance, which I know you know, to stop the spiral and stabilize me. Then I'd switch to cognitive techniques and begin the climb out. Lately I've found a much faster cognitive technique, which I share in my diary. It's entitled "My Best Depression Tool." It's interesting to be in a place where I feel I've got depression pretty much licked (and yes, I do realize I am asking for trouble saying that), and have to contend with someone who is in a very familiar place to me. It's like the depression filters have been removed from my eyes, and it's that first color scene in The Wizard of Oz. (No, I keep checking, and I am not manic.) I feel like I can see exactly how depression is working its deviltry on you. But I may never know if I am right because of my cognitive bias. I meandered a bit... I do think the interview hit you hard. You might write out the ways in a notebook and then start discrediting them. You might also mull feelings of loss related to it. Are you ruminating? I'd say that's got to go if you are. That just reinforces negative cognitions. I stop ruminating by deploying problem solving techniques. Keep posting. One of us might blunder into some useful advice. |
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manicmetoo Posts: 1313
Senior Member
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Sorry Zadie, I hope this ends quickley. deb
Bipolar I (rapid cycling, mixed episode), ADHD, OCD, Anxiety disorders, Fibro, borderline and possibly psychitso effective, COPD... really?
80mg Geodon (mania & depression)
450mg Seroquel (helps my depression)
2mg klonopin(panic, anxiety, akathasia)
200mg Provigil (keeps me awake during the day)
vicadin (fibro pain killer)
Zanaflex 6mg (fibro muscle relaxer) |
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willingness Posts: 58
Member
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I can relate I have been having a hard time too. does the ativan help you it agitates me at times. |
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uncertainone Posts: 725
Member
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Don't fall Zadie!!! I think that when you are in the middle of the bad times you almost have amnesia of what it feels like when you feel good and happy. I'm having a bad day too. But, tomorrow can't be any worse, right??? Hang in there. You are not alone. Maria Bipolar NOS
Fish oil 2400mg, Folic Acid 800 mcg., B-complex with vitamin C 300mcg, B-12 1000 mcg, N-Acetyl Cysteine 2400 mg, Magnesium 400 mg, Acetyl-L Carnitine 1000 mg, Benadryl 1-2 tabs as needed, 1 asprin
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zinc 50mg (should be 15 but I bought the wrong dose-next time) per Dr Oz how to boost your metabolism |
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ZadieBlue Posts: 3814
VIP Member
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I titrated the Prozac this morning from 20 to 40 mg. It scares me because I'm afraid I'll eventually max out the Prozac this way. I have a tdoc appointment today and I hope she's as empathetic and kind as she was on the phone -- a departure from her recent stance towards me. Does anyone else besides me feel like a jerk while using "skills"?!? Makes me feel like I'm training a dog, and that dog is me. Sometimes it makes me feel resentful. An unpopular viewpoint I know. Zadie "I'm going to quit -- dried turkey." - Anonymous
"I forgot my mantra." - Annie Hall
"Knocked me on the head and sent me spinning
It was a blast I can't remember the last time
Stand between two poles and hold your arms up
I'll kick me over your head and stock down . . . " - Throwing Muses
Female, age 37
Bipolar I (mild)
• Episodes / cycling happen most often during Spring and Fall allergy season; some dissociation possible during episodes.
• GAD dx 12/11, PTSD traits, ED (in recovery)
• Boarding school survivor :)
PSYCH:
Adderall 15 mg x 2 • Prozac 40 mg • Ativan 1.5 mg • Geodon 120 mg • Starting Lithium again
(Levothyroxine 50 mcg • Atenolol 12.5 mg x 2 • Clonidine 0.1 mg x 3).
ALLERGY / ASTHMA -- (Winter / Spring cocktail): Levocetirizine • Alvesco HFA 160 mcg • Ketotifen Fumarate PRN • Flovent • ProAir PRN
Mercy Buckets to everyone!!! |
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Catbaloo Posts: 4834
Group Leader
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I had to laugh at your description of learning "skills". I agree completely. It feels and sounds ridiculous. I know they work, but I do feel like a dog being trained. I just never thought of it that way. Maybe I need to reward myself with a dog biscuit when I use a skill successfully.  My opinions are just opinions, and should be taken as such. I am not an expert on medicines or BP disorder. |
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