Bipolar Support Group

I do apologise for the length, but it's a complicated situation and I wanted to cover as many facts as I could.

I met a girl (going to call her Jen) over a internet dating site a few weeks ago, talked via mails, IM and than texted. While talking online was fine, it isn't the same as a proper face to face meeting so we went on a date on saturday. I live 30 minutes away by train and she lives just a few minutes from the station so she met me there. We had a really good time, chemistry, alot of things in common etc and even talked about things to do next time we met.

We ended up back at her place, she made me a coffee ( didn't have one herself,) and we spent a few more hours talking. I kissed her, and she kissed me back, we didn't make out, but we did kiss quite a bit after that. When she walked me back to the train station she intiated holding hands. She txt'd me telling me she was home safe and that she had a really good time, I told her the same and we txt'd for another hour before calling it a night.

I txt'd her sunday morning, and we spoke for a little bit and stopped when her mum arrived to spend the day with her. I'm a little out of practice on the whole dating thing, and I didn't want to screw up any chance of getting to know her better so I used the net to look up advice.

Alot of sites just seemed to be full of rubbish, but some things stuck in my head and I posted a question on a site to get peoples advice. Afterwards I browsed other peoples questions and found one that made me think of Jen, It was written in the same style that she writes, and what she said matched part of our date. Pasted below.

Title: - I almost made out on the first date, is this bad?

Question :- we were just really into each other, we kept on kissing & kissing but DIDN'T end up making out.. does this make me seem like I'm easy :/ what should I do?

People told her not to worry etc, and she updated later saying thanks. I know it could be a coincedence so I didn't read too much into it. But since then I've seen another message and it's this message that has me thinking it has to be her. It's a little long to paste all of it. She starts by saying she's bipolar and mentions she really likes the new guy she's started dating.

Extract, "I'll eventually have to tell him but how soon? I don't want to wait too long that it would be wrong, but too soon and it would scare him off. I accidently brought up the fact that I had to leave school briefly for medical reasons a year ago (due to a slight relapse I had in my mental condition) although I said it was personal reasons and wouldn't talk about it."

I'm now convinced this is Jen, she mentioned exactly the same thing to me. When she did I noticed her get anxious and didn't pry, allowing a change of topics. Since reading this message though I haven't been able to think of anything else. I've spent a few days reading lots of information on Bipolar, which has allowed me to make a few connections between Bipolar and Jen from what I remember seeing when I was with her. Not everything is proof but together lead me even more to the conclusion she is Bipolar.

I saw medication, didn't read label so I'm not sure what it was.

Her hands would shake occassionally, possible side effect from meds.

Had a coffee when we first ment but didn't drink one 4 hours later when she made me one at hers, I read too much caffeine is bad.

She also had a cat, ( really nice btw) and I also read that cats and dogs can help.

I know I could be wrong, chances of me stumbling onto the site she is posting on is slim but there are just too many things that match for it to just be a coincedence for me.

She hasn't replied to the few txts I've sent over the last few days, only 1 per day asking how she is. I'm not sure if she's busy and hasn't replied late because she knows I'd proberly be asleep after switching to an early shift, or if she might be avoiding me. I'd really like to talk to her face to face about it, find some way to confirm my thoughts, and tell her I figured it out and that it doesn't bother me.

Any thoughts on how first of all I can get her to respond to a txt or should I just phone? what should I say?

If I can get to see her, any suggestions on how to comfirm my suspicions without pushing her to hard?

Any other help would be appreciated, unless it's someone telling me to run as I've read lots of those types of responses and I don't want to run. Yes I could be completely wrong and Jen might not be interested, she might not be the girl who posted on the site, but I don't want to risk ignoring the possibility.

First of all, there are probably thousands of girls who went on a date that night, kissed the date but didn't make out and who have had to leave school because of personal reasons, so don't freak out too much yet.

If it is her, she obviously plans to tell you that she's bipolar but didn't want to do it on the first date, and who would? Lots of people have very bad ideas about bipolar disorder and whoever the girl was obviously liked her date and doesn't want to scare him off. That's good, right?

Here's my advice for what it's worth: don't bring it up. You've already decided to keep seeing her even if she does have bipolar disorder, so what does it really matter? If you do go out again, let her take her time to tell you. If she is, she will tell you once she gets the feeling that you are interested enough not to run away screaming. It would probably embarrass her if you bring it up because she'll think that she was acting "crazy" somehow on your date and then she may run away screaming.

I'm bipolar myself and we tend to be uber sensitive to any perceived criticism. Trust me on this. I got upset when my family commented on how calm I am now and had to ask them what they meant by that. Was I overmedicated? Too sedated? All they meant was that it was nice to see me so calm. See what I mean? If anyone but a family member had said that, I probably wouldn't have asked them what they meant and would have just assumed that I acted weird in front of them and then I'd be too embarrassed to be around them anymore. That's just one example - I could give you 100.

Just my two cents worth.

PS: I've been happily married for almost 22 years, so relationships can work out, even if one of you has bipolar disorder. It just takes lots of patience and work.

Well said Cat.... Definately let her tell you....My wife told me the day after our first date. We had an instant connection and she wanted me to know upfront. I did my homework and came here for the invaluable advice that I've gotten over the years. If she is BP you have alot of learning to do. There's so much you need to know it sounds like alot but for the right person it's very easy. You will need alot of patience and a pretty thick skin at times also don't forget about your own well being. I can say one thing for sure I wouldn't change a thing in my life and marriage. My wife and I work together and communicate well. It is important for her stability and my ability to recognize any change in her. We have ups and downs but thats just life except some of ours are bigger than average. Forget what you read on the site call her and see if she'll have dinner with you soon. Don't push when she's ready you'll be the first to know.

I think you may be grasping at straws trying to psychoanalyze your first date. Peoples hands tremble because they are nervous first meeting you. I would just wait and let her call you. I would not confront her about this because if this is her on the web, she may wonder why you were looking for this topic particularly. That probably won't get you a third date, but perhaps a kick in the A**. Ok I'm a little blunt, but that's how I would respond.

Thanks everyone.

Yes, I could be completely wrong, the poster and Jen might be 2 different girls. Since Jen mentioned a mental health problem in her past, either way, bipolar or something else. I just wanted to make sure that I don't do anything to upset her when she tells me, or if it would be easier for her, if I brought it up, so she could get it of her chest.

I'm a patient person so waiting until shes ready to tell me is fine

Thanks again.

Update:

Phoned her last night, no answer, left a voicemail asking how she was as we hadn't spoke for nearly a week, when I'd be available for dinner and to let me now if she'd would like to meet.

A few hours later she text'd me saying sorry for not being in touch, she been having a rough week and think its better that she doesn't anyone into it right now. Sorry!

I sent a short one back saying thanks for letting me know, I'll give her some space, hope things get better for her soon, and I'm here when she ready.

I'm thinking that all I can do now is wait and hope that when she's feeling herself she will contact me? should I atleast txt her every 2-3 days, in a week, just so she knows I'm thinking of her?if so what should I say?

As a woman with bipolar disorder, I think that it would be best to just send a text saying that you're sorry she's having a bad week, and to let you know when she wants to go out to dinner again. That's probably the best way to leave things, with the ball in her court.

My advice is not to push too much or too hard. Let her know you want to see her again when she's up for it and then let it alone. She'll call you if and when she wants to go out again. Continuously texting her when she's not ready to see you might push her away, especially if she's already feeling overwhelmed right now. It would me. I react really badly to being pressured. I don't know if that's a bipolar thing or just my personality.

Hopefully some other people will weigh in with their advice.

Thanks for the advice Cat.

As in my previous post I did send her a message, while worded differently from what you suggested, it was similar.

I've got some stuff I can do, so I think I'm going to try getting as much done as I can this week while not working to keep my mind of her, not completely but just enough that I'm not worrying too much lol.

I expect there will be alot of contributing factors, daily events, meds, or cycling etc. So this is purely speculative,and going by your own personal experience ( if you don't mind?) whats the longest she could be having a rough time for?

If she does get intouch when she's alright and we meet up, which I hope she does. I won't be mentioning any of this for the reasons you and others mentioned above. I know my reasons for coming to the conclusion that she does have a Bipolar disorder is a long shot, alot could be just coincedences etc.

But if I am right, ( In a way I'm kinda hoping I am, it would make a lot of sense, lol) and she does tell me. I don't want to lie or hide anything from her, after letting her know I'm ok with her condition, I'll want to tell her everything that was in my first post, maybe just show her, would that be a bad idea?

Only asking the last question now, incase if/when she gets in touch, I can't post and get advice before meeting. Rather have the advice and not need it than not have it and need it

The answer to your last question is an emphatic yes. It would be a VERY bad idea to tell her the things in your first post, especially if she has bipolar disorder. I cannot emphasize enough what an issue a lot of us have with trust and privacy. Telling her about anything from your first post is taking the risk of upsetting her on both counts. It's obviously your decision, but I wouldn't tell her if I were you.

Why would you? Just to let her know that you'd already figured out what she just told you? What purpose would that serve? All it will do, IMHO, is make her afraid that she acted weird on your first date and we've already discussed how bad that could be.

Sometimes it really is best to just keep some things to yourself. Really.

As for your other question, my bad times can last months. I was depressed all winter and in a bad way, but I was not in treatment then. I'm on medication now and feeling great.

We all cycle differently and for different periods of time. Your friend is unique, just like the rest of us, so there's no predicting anything about her moods especially since we don't know her history. Obviously, she'll do a lot better and recover a lot sooner if she is on the proper medications.

Hope that she does NOT have BP, for both your sakes. BP is a chronic illness that we will have for the rest of our lives. It is a serious mental illness, one that has a major impact on our ability to function. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Didn't really have any purpose behind telling her, I just don't want to hide anything, without a very good reason, ( this would be.) I can be too honest at times. While I was sure mentioning it would be a bad idea, I just needed someone elses opinion to convince me that not saying anything would be the best thing for her.

Saying I knoda hoped she did have BP as it would make sense to me, was badly thought out and written. After everything I've read, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Thank you again for your advice and information. I truly hope she doesn't have BP, even if it would make sense. (This is how I should of mentioned it in previous post, teach me to write while sleepy and not proof reading.)

I will keep my mouth shut, wait patiently and see what happens. I'll update once I know whats what, might be a few weeks or so though.

Be well and take care