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12/20/2008 06:14 PM

My Bi Polar Wife...I need support.(page 2)

Doreen
Doreen  
Posts: 6
Member

Norma has given you the best advice! I could not agree more! And No, at least no one I know that is bi-polar takes Aderal, correct that is! I wish you the best!!!!!!!!!
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12/20/2008 09:06 PM
maMONa
maMONaPosts: 1168
Senior Member

illogical,

i read your dilemma.

OK, Norma...i couldn't hold it in. lol.

illogical,

i agree with Norma 100%. Simply put,you need counseling. I think BP is given too negative a rap most times and by what you write about your wife's "symptoms", I am assuming that you have a prejudged notion as to all BP's "stereotyped" behaviors. EVERY ONE OF US is different.

There are very scattered descriptions about what your wife's meds are and why she is taking those if she is truly bipolar. No BP's take Adderall, that's for sure! Uppers for us????Are you kidding???lol.

You need to take control of YOUR life for the kids' sakes. You can't change your wife.

If you can talk to her doc, then so be it. From all the scenarios and events you experience and write about, there is simply TOO much focus on her. Find out what REALLY is her diagnosis..you are getting pieces here and there.

You need support here on this site, and most of us ARE bp here. Please try to find SOME positives about your wife and this disorder....one may find some of these "typical" BP behaviors you describe insulting.

P.S. Has your wife always been this "way"? There must of been SOME sign of her "behaviors" from the beginning???

Post edited by: maMONa, at: 12/20/2008 21:08

Post edited by: maMONa, at: 12/20/2008 21:12


12/21/2008 06:50 PM
illogical
Posts: 6
Member

maMONa,

Thank you for your advise. I however, do not understand some of what you said. I understand that all BP's are different and don't want to send the message that her behaviors are stereotypical of BP. That wasn't the intention. I was trying to communicate the behaviors that I am seeing. I am here to learn and ask for advise/help. Maybe my wife's behaviors are not symptoms of BP, but after reading other s/o's descriptions of their spouses I did find others here experiencing the same behaviors, specificaly, lying, cheating, and uncontroable spending. I want to be clear that I'm not saying that all BP exibit these behaviors. There are numerous people that do these things that are not BP, maybe they are just people of low moral value, not placing any regard for their marital vows, and were never taught that it is wrong to lie from a young age, or they just don't care...but not BP. I'm NOT prepared to blame her behavior on BP and say that there is nothing she can do about it. Everyone must be accountable for their actions, it's a basic requirement for the existance of a society. There are rules in everything and you have to eventually learn the easy way or the hard way that we all have to follow the rules.

What I really don't understand is why you think I need counceling. Isn't this forum a form of counceling? I came here so I can better make a good decision regarding my future. If you want to know about something ask someone who has experienced it first hand and that you all. I have not objection to formal counceling and think that it is necessary for many people at times in their life. I've come to undertand that my decision to have a relationship and later marry this woman was not a good decision and I did not exercise good judgement and now there are consequences, not just for me but for everyone involved. I have stayed in the relationship/marriage due to my emotional attachment to my stepson, which is legally what he is, and the hope that she would get better, she would mature/grow up, she would stabalize once she got on meds but that hasn't happened. There comes a time when once you have all the information necessary to evaluate your situation and understand your emotional responses to your partners actions, you have to make a decision and it comes down to either you accept that the other person is who they are, they are not going to change and you love (emotion) them enough to stay in the marriage or you make a rational, well thought out, decision that you are going to do what's best for you first. You got to know when to hold em and know when to fold em. I have already made my decision that this is not the life I want and that I am going to file for divorce and wheels are in motion at this time. As I see it, I made a bad decision and now I must pay the consequences, move on with my life, and grow both personaly and professionally and when it's time to enter into another relationship I must be sure the person is someone that shares the same values and morals I do. You have all contributed in my conclusions and I offer you all a sincere Thank You for helping.


12/21/2008 07:03 PM
illogical
Posts: 6
Member

maMONa,

One more thought. Your are right on the mark. There were signs of this type of behavior from the beginning. I didn't recognize and/or realize the impact at that time. I now know that I must be selective and really pay attention to what a prospective partner says, thier actions and be sure that they are someone that I trust and respect. I have also learned that I can't change people. We all strugle to change ourselves for the better which should be my focus going forward, not focusing on changing someone else. Do you think that's at least in part the point Norma was making?


12/21/2008 07:14 PM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

You are on the money with that one, illogical. You can't change people. You are right. I have been in relationships in the past and after they were over and I looked back I thought..."WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING"....I made excuses for the other person's bad behaviors....

Finally, invested in some really good therapy and realized I was the one with the problem. I did not respect myself enough to take up for myself....it was a valuable lesson.


12/21/2008 08:41 PM
Doreen
Doreen  
Posts: 6
Member

Illogical, even thoough I am not Bi Polar., I did go to counceling for myself. Not only to learn how to deal with my daughter, but not loose myself in the process. I learned the difference between helping and enabling. I know my daughter has to help herself first. I can not swing a majic wand and make it better for her. But I also now know, this is not my fault and be as supportive as I can within certain limits. I highly recommend counceling. It has helped me a lot!!!!

Be well!!!!


12/21/2008 09:53 PM
maMONa
maMONaPosts: 1168
Senior Member

illogical,

sorry for not making things clear. After reading your responses, i am glad you are going to change things for the better for you and your kiddos. I mentioned counseling because: First, if your wife truly is BP, there needs to be support for her AND you. I didn't say living with a BP was easy. And YES, this group is intended for support for you and sufferers from BP, but there are times where a more structured format of support should be called into play being that I assume, again, I assume, that you are very preoccupied with your wife's behaviors to the point of constant suspicion and that isn;t healthy for YOU!

I admit being a part of this MDJ forum and being group leader for the dual diagnosis group has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. we are all not perfect, nor do we all always have the right answers...but hearing that someone else suffers or goes through the same tribulations as i do helps relate and makes one realize we are NOT alone.

As for your wife....SHE has to get her s*** together on her own. It's too much for you to take on and it really won't get her to change.SHE has to do it.

The reason i understand is because i KNEW i was hard to live with..no doubt.

I had made my mind up before i married my 2nd hubby that i WAS NOT going to marry again to spare the pain on someone else for the way i am naturally. I dont and never have cheated by the way. My now-hubby convinced me to marry him and we have a 2 yr old baby. Living with me i know can be a bitch, and i urge HIM to get counseling to better understand BP and better cope with daily issues that arise. he has refused, but i am still pushing.

I have read alot about my disorder to know what pushes my buttons and what triggers my episodes fo rthe most part. I have tried COUNTLESS times to explain and WARN my hubby when these triggers are arising and to keep away or let me calm down, but he doesn't listen, and an argument ensues. THAT is when i feel he just cannot understand me.

You need counseling to better understand all areas of BP (if your wife is) and how to cope without falling apart or losing yourself in the emotional mess that has obviously enveloped your life right now.

I hope this was of some help and i wish you luck.

Post edited by: maMONa, at: 12/21/2008 21:56


12/22/2008 08:33 PM
Defiantgroundhog
DefiantgroundhogPosts: 568
Member

Just wanted to say I admire your loyalty and determination to help. A lot of men would have just said screw this and left. You obviously love this woman. Although at this point putting you and your son first is the most important.

Also ... this is a touchy subject but what other street drugs do you think she's using besides weed? She might have a drug problem that could be causing a lot of these symptoms. Of course BPs can have addiction issues. So it gets confusing.. the chicken or the egg.

Has she been diagnosed by a pdoc or just her general doctor? One more point.. Lexapro sent me into crazy mania so it might be hurting more then helping. Sounds like she needs to have a good pdoc evaluate her and look at her meds. It is tricky giving bipolar patients antidepressants because they can cause mania and your woman is on two antidepressants and a stimulant.. sounds like fuel on the fire. (lamectil is an antidepressant/mood stabilizer)


01/27/2009 12:50 PM
christina1969

MarriedToMania: Are you here to plug your book?
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