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12/20/2008 03:13 PM

My Bi Polar Wife...I need support.

illogical
Posts: 6
Member

Hi, my wife is bipolar. I have been reading through the forums on this subject and I'm so glad I found this site. My wife who is 28 is exibiting the same behaviors as many of the posts I have read. Basically, she is lying, cheating, and spending. It's almost impossible to communicate with her at times. We, and I say we have a 5 year old boy. He is not my biological son and I have not adopted him. However, I have been his father since birth. I should also say that we have been married for 2 years, together five. It has been the most challenging relationship ever for me. I should also say that I have never cheated on her, although I have in the past cheated on my first girlfriend when I was in high school and once in college but that was 13 years ago, do the math if you like word problems. I have matured since then and would never do that to someone I love expecially since I know what it feels like and the trust issues never go away after that. I have been a basket case...when she leaves the house I search everything. She has lied to me so many times I can't even begin to count. Big lies, little lies about things that don't even seem to matter to me. (Could she be a compulsive liar or is that just a simptom of her illness?) After reading other s/o's storys and explanations on these forums from others that suffer from BP Disorder I am now beginning to understand that she is sick. She told me that she was bipolar before we were married but honestly, I just thought it was a rollercoaster of highs and lows and I didn't know the symptoms and behaviors. I didn't know that she would cheat with other men, spend uncontrolablly (excuse my spelling, I just need to get this out)and lie to the point that no rational person would believe what she is saying. Just the same as many other stories on here, I have to catch her lying and really pin her down to get her to admit anything she has done. She will tell a lie and then when I use facts and logic to disprove the lie, sometimes she will admit that she lied, only to tell me antother lie which is always less than the actual truth, if you know what I mean. It may take weeks and several discussions at different times to finally get part of the truth. So what opened my eyes to the cheating was that I found where she had condoms hidden in one of her boots in the closet. One unopened pack and one loose condom..(I bought those for us she said...ok the one loose condom, not in a pack of anykind so you know it was a three pack, that's hard to explain huh? So the other big thing is shopping, not for anyone other than herself. Here's where it gets bad. She spends thousands of dollars on high dollar clothes and shoes but, it's not all my money she's spending. She has sugar daddies. While I'm at work she will do favors for either gift cards or cash to shop at Bebe, Bath and Body Works, Victoria Secret, the list goes on. Don't get me wrong she has no doubt contributed to our financial disaster, I am trying to short sell our 300K house before it gets foreclosed on. Either she is whording $$ or spending what she makes on herself in addition to the sugar daddies which is being nice since really in my mind it's prostitution what she is doing. She sends hot naked pics of herself to guys on her phone which I have found. Not just sugar daddies, I think that's just to feed the shopping but I think she also has sex with cute young guys she wants since I think the guys that pay her for sex are mostly older men. She also has and continues to use drugs in addition to her drinking. She just started working at a bar which is the only job she says she will do because she likes to make alot of $$, even though I never see any of it to pay bills, other than she pays the electric bill and groceries, but she make $150-200 a night but says she makes much less and than acts pissed off because she didn't make any money this night or that night. She is on meds, Lamictal, and Lexipro. She just changed her doctor though and got a script for Aderol. I think she changed doctors because a friend of hers told her to go to this doctor, he will give Aderol. She says she needs it to work, clean the house, get out of bed. She will get up and leave and if it snows and the roads are ice (we live on a big hill in the country)she must go somewhere, she can't be stuck here she says. She has wrecked all of our cars (3) at least twice. Her second to last wreck, she hit a guy, (whom I think she may have been following somewhere to have sex). She intended to hide that from me since there was very little noticable damage to my 02 Silverado buy his 08 Toyato Prius had $850 damage to the rear. Along with the condoms in her boot I found the accident report, bodyshop estimate, and receipt from the bank where she deposited $850 cash and then withdrew it in the form of a cashiers check 4 days after the accident. She cannot/will not answer where she got the money from. She says the condoms were from a year and a half ago. The only reason she confessed that she did have sex with a guy (and I'm sure it's been many, many guys) was because I told her that I couldn't forgive her of something if she couldn't even admit what she had done and that I was very serious about filing for a divorce which she says she does not want. I guess not, she has no education, experience other than serving in restaurants, bars, and she used to be an exotic dancer. She told me when we started dating that she wanted a better life, school, good job, to be a mother to her son...blah blah blah, I bought it and married her. A big motivating factor other than the fact that I love(d) her for getting married was that I wanted to get her medical help and get our son covered under my healthcare plan. So, she want back to dancing last year and I didn't figure it out for almost 3 months. She worked a day shift while I was at work and made it home before me. She finally admitted that she was working in a strip club and she said it was to help us keep from loosing everying which was close to happening. She insisted on working at the club for another 6 months after I found out and only quit after she saved enough cash to get breast augmentation, then things got worse with regard to her sexual behavior. Before she quit dancing, she told me that she liked doing it and that she liked/needed the attention from men. She is obsessed with her looks and body. We are always late anywhere we go together because she takes so long to get ready and regardless how soon she starts getting ready, she is still late, can't decide which pair of jeans, pants, or shirt to wear. I cannot give her enough sex, it's never enough and when I reject her she gets very angry as she says she cannot handle rejection. She tries to turn everthing around and uses the best defense is a good offence tactic. If caught doing something wrong she will attack (anger) then lie, then as a final resort if neither of those work, cry and beg...sound familiar? I have consulted with an attorney and prior to reading the posts on this site made a decision to file for divorce. I really don't see her getting better. She wants people to think she is a good mother but she is too selfish to be a good mother. One night our son vomited 4 times and then had diarea while she was working nights at the bar she works at now. After she got off work, she sat in the parking lot with another girl smoking weed and drining beer for an hour after I texted her and asked her to pick up some pull ups and Pedialite on her way home...Mother of the Year Award goes to...

So she was seeing a psychiatrist for a few months after we married and got on meds but now she just gets the meds I mentioned (Lamictal,Lexipro, and now Aderol) Regardless of my decision to divorce her and move on, or not, I would still like to see her get the right treatment and meds for the benefit of our 5 year old son who just this morning told me "Daddy, Mommy's sleeping all day again".

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12/20/2008 03:34 PM
jessica903
jessica903  
Posts: 2
Member

Wow sounds like you are dealing with alot right now. And I hate admitting it to myself, but you actually sounded like you were describing me. The turning everything around back onto you is something I hear on a regular basis from my fiance. He tells me that everytime we get into a fight. I've had the same hypersexual behavior, the same deceitful actions, and the drug/alcohol use. While I find it hard to make excuses for myself, so I will not try to make excuses for your wife other than to tell you she is sick. I just got put back on medication after an extended period without. My actions sound very similar to hers when I wasn't on meds. Its hard to describe but I really didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong. If you truly want to work this out with your wife, you should suggest going to her doctor with her, trying counseling, or maybe try to see if she is taking her perscribed medications the correct way. If she's is, then she may need to have them changed. Try to be supportive and know that she may not be able to control how she is acting or how she is making you feel right now.

12/20/2008 03:35 PM
Ele1
Posts: 2030
Senior Member

You have a lot to deal with. I suggest you take care of yourself and your son. Is there anyway you could adopt him so that you would have visitation and legal rights to him in case you get a divorce? It sounds like your wife has problems that go beyond just being bipolar. She quite possibly has a sexual addiction and other problems. This is a good place to come and vent and get support. There is a group for families of bipolars as well. My prayers are with you in your situation.

12/20/2008 03:35 PM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Well, looks like you have been through a great deal. I think your deciding when enough is enough is for self-preservation. I wish you well. If you want to distance yourself from her you would be wise. From what you are saying it sounds like she does not honor her marriage vows.

Not everyone with bipolar disorder acts the way your wife does. Sorry your marriage turned out this way. Please let me know if there is anything we can do to help support you during this difficult time.

You can encourage her to get treatment but, it may not change her behaviors. Only counseling and her willingness to do so could make a difference.


12/20/2008 03:42 PM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

illogical

I am sorry that you are going through this . I am a girlfriend of someone that is bipolar. Now he does not cheat or do the things that youy say your wife does . It could be that she just has a lying or using issues with men . there are many here that will tell you they have not cheated as well . There does sound like something fishy is going on there . Now you need to set guidelines and hold her accountable in the marriage . If she is taking the meds as you say maybe that they are not the right ones or they need adjusting . Do not forget about yourself and the child in all of this

Post edited by: grafxbydiane, at: 12/20/2008 15:44


12/20/2008 03:53 PM
Doreen
Doreen  
Posts: 6
Member

My daughter was diagnosed as Bi-Polar and I have a few friends with the same diagnoses. I have to be honest with you. Cheating is nothing that any of my friends suffered.

It sounds like an excuse to me.

I have been married for 23 years. I have M.S. and my husband is the most supportive man. I can't imagine saying "sorry honey, because of my disease I have slept with someone else!" No way!

Being supportive is one thing. But please do not loose yourself in the process. I agree with the person who said you need to set some guide lines down. I wish you the very best!!!!!!!!!


12/20/2008 04:32 PM
illogical
Posts: 6
Member

She has always been very reluctant to share anything with me that goes on with her therapy or meds. I have asked her to speak with her doctors but she tells me that he will not tell me anything, that it is confidential. I can tell you, she does not want me to see her doctor(s). She just says, "He's not going to tell you anything". Actually, I'm not even sure what options/rights I have with regard to her treatment/meds. I agree I should be involved because if her meds are not working I would know that, she may not because isn't it true that when she is manic, she may not even know she is in that state. I think she knows after the mania because then she is depressed and doesn't want to get out of bed. m also concerned that now she is taking Aderol that could help her to get up and do things (it's salt based Amphetamine (speed). But it could also cause a manic episode, cheating, and lieing. Does anyone know if she should be taking Aderol. Her new doc perscribed it for ADHD in addition to her bi polar. I don't think she has ADHD, just bipolar...she just said what she needed to say to get the script.

12/20/2008 05:00 PM
illogical
Posts: 6
Member

One more question, I'm trying to figure out if she is rapid cycling mania or does the mania continue for an extended period of time? It seems to me that she will be manic, up, happy when she is going to do something or more specifically once actually doing something fun for her, i.e. shopping, going to work (she gets to dress in a hot outfit and it's a sports bar so this job is feeding her need for attention from men). But then the next morning/afternoon when she wakes up she is usually difficult to communicate with, easily angered, and just not happy until she gets all dressed up and ready to go somewhere. Off the subject but I notice things like where is the shirt you left the house wearing last night to go to work? It's not in the dirty clothes, can't find it anywhere. I am reluctant to ask her because it will start a fight and I'm just so wore out fighting with her. So that question just weighs on my mind until I can find the answer or eventually break down and ask her and then she will just make up a lie or act like I'm paraniod. She has also a few weeks ago said she was working on a Sat. night but she wasn't. She just went there to meet up with a guy(s)...not sure if they stayed there all night or just met there and left to go somewhere else, but she knows to take someone elses car and leave the truck in the parking lot just in case I, or someone else were to check to see if my truck is there.

12/20/2008 05:26 PM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Dear Illogical...seems like your whole focus is on her... why not take some time and start to concentrate on you. And how this whole situation affects YOU. You are the one who came here for support....

So may I suggest some professional counseling for YOU. Allowing her to dictate the way you live cannot be a very happy situation. And in the long run really is in no one's best interest. She will keep sleeping around, spending money like water, and fighting any restraints to her behaviors. And you will continue to be caught up in the drama and sickness...if you want to help her and yourself, say NO...to her and her sickness...and begin to see how this whole thing has gotten out of hand. Sometimes love means saying NO to someone who is out of control...and the most important thing is you have to love yourself enough to stand up for yourself.

I wish the best for you...we are here to offer support.


12/20/2008 06:02 PM
illogical
Posts: 6
Member

WOW, that's great advise Norma, Thank You. I'm going to think about what you said. I'll talk to you soon.
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