Spouse of a bipolar person

That said, I'd liek to vent and get stuff out of my head and maybe advice and reasurrance.

My story is my wife of 5 years was told of her bipolar about 2 years ago. She was / is a addict as well. been thru 2-3 rehab with her, before we knew something else was wrong ( the bi polar ).

She was on her med ( trying to find the right combination ) and seems to be getting better to me, but she tried of them and stop....during the next 2 months and saw things get worse until she was back running with old friends and drinking and using drugs once again.

We have a 3 year old daughter that she started running off with for 3-4 weeks at a time. ( running as always been a problem with her ). I could not stand for not knowing were the baby was and if she was safe. Wife could not take care of herself most of the time, let along a baby.

Had enough, as most of you know the story, verbaly abuse, spending money, not coming home etc....I filed for divource, won coustdy of the child and everything in the house, as she never showed up for court, after losing the baby...Nobody knew where she was even the court sysytem.

She waw put on supervisied visitation for 4 hours a week and tho pay $20 a week child support....Althought she uses the visitatation most of the time, I never have gotten any money from her.

So for the last 6 months she tells me she wants to work things out...I keep telling her, to go back to the doctor and get the help she needs, she says OK, but never goes. Most of the time she is just plain in denial about it all.

Anyways ( stupid me ) I let her begin to watch the baby in my home while I went to work....as she wanted to work thing out and thought being in the home, and being with the child would help rekindle what she lost, and she would want to get help....Came home and she was cleaning the house, and things seemed great, then looked in thecar and notice she had loaded it up with things from the house and stealing it ( as I put it ). Made her unload most of it. Assume she was going to sell it as she has not had a every had a job ( which is another issues I keep bringing up with her.....how does she get her money )She always seems to have cash on had. Each time I get a differnt answer, and eacj time I tell her that is not acceptible, if she wants to get back together.

Why do we always allow these peopel to control us?

Why do I still want her in my life....yes she can be the most wonderful person in the world when satble or in between cycles, but the lies, spending money and all the drama form cops at the door, to abuse..why do I pray that it she will find her way to get help and her way home.

Why can't these people see the damage, she causes everyone around her and not take the advive from all of her family, but take the advice from her friends.

She is 35 years old....I have 2 sons more mature and responsible than her.

You'd thing losing her child would have been an eye opener. She says she loves me, but then acts like she this....She can not have her cake and eat it too with me, meaning I will not date her, and she live alone and act the way she wants. I need more than that out of my partner.

I beat myself up sometimes for acting the way I do when she is out of control, but how do others react?

You read to remain calm, assure the bipolar person everything will be alright, you are there for them...take checks and credit cards away from them.... etc....when they are manic.

But how do you remain calm, when your she comes home drunk, and the truck is wreck...when she goes take the credit cards from your wallets and max them out.

How do you keep your sanity? What else can you do to work things out.

I assume I need to just teel her if this is to work, call the doctor herself. I really don't want or need her to call me anymore unless she does so.

But them I miss her so much sometimes and the baby cries for her mom too...She does not understand. It is tough.....Sorry for the long note, easy to keep going once you start......

Some nights I just cry and days I just don't feel I can go to work.

How do I fix this or can I?

Hope this year is better than the last....

about how to deal with the mania,taking credit cards and so forth,you cant at that point,vey hard anyway.the idea is to have that in place during stable time periods.joint back acounts can be shut down in emergency situations,credit cards also,but thats about it.taking them from a manic person is almost impossible.even something as simple as car keys can be hard.they can become violent and desructive and demand keys.like you with children in the house your first priority is protecting them so handing the keys over is sometimes neccessary.been there done that.

you may want to concider making a doc apt for her.help is always best when wanted by the bp,however sometimes we have to interveen.as i understood you there is a court involvement already.use that to your advantage.advise the court she is not seeking treatment.they may suspend visitation for a short time.they can also order her to seek treatment.sometimes it takes drastic measures.once again been there done that.its not easyif you love her,want to help her then you must decide when is it enough!

THIS IS HOW I STARTED TO RECOVER (which I am still in recovery):

My husband called a doctor that he had heard was excellent, he made the appointment for me, he drove me to the appointment, he talked about my condition.. I talked about my condition and that is when she looked straight at us and replied "Honey, you are deifinetly 100% Bipolar." She went over strategies with us to try to help me resume a normal life style which mainly revolves around a schedule. This schedule thing is VERY hard for me tho!!! But Im trying! Since the first doctor visit, I have never missed an appointment, I now have a job that I love, I go to bed at night (like a good little girl), I take my meds... oh yes, thats another things... my husband moniters my meds to keep me safe and on the right track. Now life is better for the both of us. Sometimes I think we need someone to step up to us and say "HEY, I LOVE YOU, I WANT TO HELP YOU AND I WANT TO SEE YOU GET BETTER!" It worked for me... and Im loving him more everyday!

s~

Post edited by: sheilabeila, at: 01/02/2008 05:19

When first told she had bi polar, the doctor told us that her life will change around....we were so happy that we finally found the problem and somebody to help....but after awhile she felt she was tired of the meds and doctors, and thought she could handle it herself....1-2 months later...complete denial of everything and back to old ways.

Being Bipolar....do you not see the harm you do to others? Why don't you see the love and committement from those around you?

Does behavior therapy work too....was told she needed this as well, but wonder if anybody here has been to it.

She called last night and wants to go to the doctor again...if she follows thru with it, want is the best thing I can do....and how do I know she is taking her meds and taking care of herself, if we are not living together. I can I help when apart, but how can I let her move back in if she is not willing to help her self...She says she sleeps every night, but I know this is not true.....What should I do?

s~

ok, first of all... i cannot tell u what u should or shouldnt do, u know her better than i do. i want to answer your questions in order that u asked them so i can be sure to get everything accurate.

i apologize in advance for the all lower case letters, when im manic i like to write in all caps or all lower case.. i prefer caps but then everyone gets offended by thinking that im "yelling"! lol

firstly... the money. i have this compulsion also but not quite so severe. i work at a department store and everyday that i work i like to buy myself a little something, it may be a shirt on sale, something like that. yesterday i bought myself a pair of socks! i control it because i know that we dont have it to spend. i do like nice things but i refuse to hurt my family by going into debt for wants, not needs. i do not have credit cards, not even a debit card... i dont need one and i surely dont need to be given one, lol.

drugs... i am a Xanax addict. i have a prescription for them to take two a day... my husband keeps the bottle and gives me two in the morning and tells me to "make them last", meaning only take one when u really need it. i have smoked marijuana in the past... only a few times, i have never bought it. as for other drugs, i would NEVER try them. i know that i have an addictive personality so i dont even want to be around anyone that does do them.

as for harming others... i know that before i was medicated, i felt that my family was better off without me. i didnt want to be a bad mother or a bad wife, i didnt want instill (sp) in my children what i was going thru. i didnt want to cause them more pain by letting them watch me cry and dribble all over myself in fits of depression or see me go wild and crazy in a fit of mania. i think mania for me is different than for others.. i am manic right now. i am so engrossed in this conversation that i cannot speak or listen to anyone else right now. u have my full attention and i cant share it until we come to a solution. i sit here and grind my teeth (which hurts like a bitch) as i concentrate, but i do consider this a much better retreat than running away to fool around on my husband!!!

i do see the commitment... now. as i said before, i just thought everyone else was better off without me around.

behaviour therapy did not work for me. i got really pissed at the therapist because he would spend 45 minutes of the one hour that was given to me going thru old paper work to catch up on my case and what weve discussed thus far. that gave me a whole 15 minutes to divulge new information... it just bored me and made me mad. i was like "DUDE, READ ABOUT ME BEFORE I COME IN!" if he cant remember my name, he definetly cant remember my problem, lol. so no, that didnt work for me.

ok, imagine this... your life is carefree... you have no responsibilities, you dont have to answer to anyone, you can be young and free again... thats what it feels like to be bipolar and un-medicated. it is so hard to give that feeling up! i finally had to come to the realization that im 31 years old... im NOT a teenager anymore, i need to face life and deal with it, and thats what the medication makes me do. i still get manic and depressed but its not quite so severe. medication for me helps me be able to function as an adult again, not behave like a child. i have a job now that i love, i try to cook atleast once a day for my family.. they usually have cereal for breakfast and eat lunch at school. I DRIVE AGAIN, yay (lol), i do the things that im suppose to be doing. i love my husband and appreciate him... i feel a little smothered and overwhelmed at times, but besides that, i can say that i feel better

now i must ask u a question... how many times has she offered to get treatment in order to come home? is she sincere or is this something that she does often? thats the real question that u need to focus on. is she for real or is this another lie???

i hope u write back.. im looking forward to your responce!

s~

Post edited by: sheilabeila, at: 01/02/2008 07:02

I told her she was acting like a teenager several times and did nothing for me....Wow that statement you made describes her righ now.....

She has said she will go to the doctor several time in the last few months. I made the appointments, but before we can go, someting happens a fight or somethng and never made it to them. She said she will go then we will she who has the problems....I feel it was usless going too at that point...probably not even the doctor could convince her something is wrong.

As of yesterday, she says she will go, but she will make the appointment, which I guess is positive sign...This is what she should be doing...but even then, not living together...how do I help and how do I make sure she is not lying about thake the meds and cycling?