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04/12/2011 07:54 AM

Bipolar adult son who lives at home

dlatimer
dlatimerPosts: 2
Member

How can I use rational communication with a 34 year old bipolar son who lives in our house? He was suppose to move out by 15 April but he cannot manage his income from his new job. He had a HOV ticket in Dec of 2010 and he did not pay it so they took his license. My wife and I had to go online and pay the ticket for him. He is disfuctional. He cannot pay his bills. He thinks I am negative and cannot focus on one thing.

He cannot maintain a job becaue there is always something wrong with the people he works for. He always gets fired. The longest he stayed on a job was two years and he did well until he became angry and punched a hole in the wall. He took pills shortly after that and was hospitalized. This was not the first time he tried the pill route. He did this while he was in high school also.

He thinks he is a great actor, writer and etc which I call delusional thoughts. He does write and can act but now he wants to produce an album. He also attends college in the evenings.

He cannot maintain a realtonship. He also has a sixteen year old son who is doing exceptionally well.

My son is in denial and will not seek medical help. What can we do at this point? We need more help than he does. We made a mistake by allowinig him to live with us and it will be difficult but we will eventually have to put in out if he cannot do it on his own.

I am the one dealing with the anger that he creates for me. My wife and I will start attending counseling at our Church the last of this month.

Any suggestions will be appreciated. I am running short on patience.

A concerned Dad

Post edited by: dlatimer, at: 04/12/2011 08:08 AM

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04/12/2011 10:40 AM
eawaters04
Posts: 281
Member

One suggestion I have since he doesn't seem to want to listen is to find a halfway house or supportive living facillity. My friend lived in one after she was hospitalized. Or you could go the court ordered route. I know it's hard, but sometimes you have to let them stand on their own two feet. He could apply for disability--and disability would appoint you or a representative to take care of the money--that's what I have. My parents are representative payees for me.

04/12/2011 11:42 AM
TexasYankee
TexasYankee  
Posts: 4290
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

My siblings and I had to sign court papers to get my mother into a home. She wouldn't take her meds or take care of herself. She couldn't manage money at all. After a while, she seemed happy to be where she was. She has since passed away but at least she was able to enjoy a bit of life too.

I have no advice as mine was what eawaters already suggested.

Good luck to you and your wife.


04/12/2011 12:47 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16595
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Welcome to the group. I'm sorry you are going through this. He has such a hard time in life, he might need to live somewhere where they help you with these things. Does he even try? It's good that he works, but bad that he doesn't manage his money. I think probably someone outside of you two should talk to him also. I would get into therapy with him if you could. He seems like he needs to be guided, but you shouldn't have to guide him his whole life. I wish you much luck and hope you can get this situated. We are all here for you, you can vent and we'll support you.

04/12/2011 06:47 PM
jjsmom
 
Posts: 443
Member

well concerned dad i wish i had answers for you but i'm new to the site looking for answers also. your story is the same as mine with one exeception i threw my 23 yr old son out after his last outburst. he did not work and there is always excuses for everything. He an't keep a job because he can't get along with others and ofcoarse it is all my fault. so all i can say is good luck and hang in there and maybe we both will get some answers soon.

04/12/2011 06:48 PM
Sparkerama

Some good suggestions here.

Medical adherence is driven by distress. People who have the most trouble are either chasing manic highs or find the distress they feel is not worth the hassle of medication side effects, going to doctors, etc. Also, some people follow treatment only when they don't feel well. Perhaps something like the halfway house would increase his distress enough to trigger some re-evaluations, but we can't know that for sure. It is something for you to ponder.

Non-adherent bipolar people are among the most frustrating because recovery is partly medication and partly recovery skills (though some people do without medication for medical reasons and try to make it with determination). Teaching recovery skills to someone like your son is difficult, so even if he took an ideal mix of medicine, he might be only partway there.

I am a parent, too, so please know that I realize how painful this must be. My message is not too rosy, either. However, I think you deserve the truth (as I see it).

The next question may irritate you, but please hang on with me. Is there any chance you are enabling him? There is some tendency for people to gravitate toward the behaviors that get their needs met. Yanking your worry chain might be one.

Only you can answer these questions. Thank you for caring about your bipolar son as much as you obviously do, but make sure everybody is treated fairly. I have a yucky personality when I am not well, too, so I do feel for the dynamics here.


04/13/2011 05:50 AM
dlatimer
dlatimerPosts: 2
Member

Thanks for your suggestions. I never thought about the courts. He may become dangerous when confronted. If he continues to be in denial, we will have to change the locks and put him out of our home. I have tried all efforts excepts the courts.

04/13/2011 06:50 AM
cslocombe

Welcome. Wow, that sounds kind of like my 27 year old's behaviour last year. Counseling at the church is great, but maybe your son needs to see a therapist. Just my opinion. Our son finally moved out, but he's still just living on a thread at any friend's house that will let him. And by the way, my son thinks he has all the answers in life. You're not alone. Welcome again.

04/13/2011 07:41 AM
Eric17
Eric17  
Posts: 370
Member

Wow, I'm sitting here pondering these posts and I just can't seem to come up with anything other than what has already been said. I would simply add that it is clear that the gentleman is not ready to accept a diagnoses and treatment. What will make him ready? I certainly don't know but I do believe is that business as usual isn't going to cut it. That's clear.

I am glad that you and your wife are seeking counseling. It would be nice if that counseling included the services of someone who understood/specialized in helping family members of those with a mental illness like NAMI. I joined the NAMI group in my county last week with the hope that I'll learn something and be able to help (I have BP1). Here is the linc to their site. Somewhere in there is a search for local affiliates:

http://www.nami.org/

I too thank you for loving your son and wanting whats best for him over the long term.

Take care.

Eric


04/13/2011 07:58 AM
youngfilly
youngfilly  
Posts: 3068
VIP Member

Workingonit, i disagree with u. This father has come here looking for help not to be told he is a bad father far from it. He is doing everything he can think of to help his son. I believe the last thing he wants to do is change the locks. If this is what he really wanted he would have done it yrs ago.

Think about it, if he didnt care, why is he here asking for help?

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