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03/14/2011 10:12 AM

Very nervous, worried about a situation with my bf

Posts: 53

My boyfriend is great. He is 29, and has been married once before and his wife cheated on him. He was VERY young and stupid(as he says, he was 21) and he realized he rushed into it.

He then got engaged again in 2005(age 24) and that fiance cheated on him.

Every time my bf and I go out to drink, he mentions his ex's husband. The guy wets the bed every time he drinks so I UNDERSTAND why this gets brought up in conversation when at a bar. People tell stories, but I worry that he still has feelings for his ex-fiance.

I asked him about it, and he said he didn't know why he brings it up and he didn't realize he did it every time. He said he only cares about me, and he could care less about his ex-fiance. However, he has a grudge against her husband(the guy she cheated on him with).

He said it's not because he took his ex-fiance from him. He said it's not because his ex-fiance was cheating with him. My boyfriend said that the grudge was because he had spread rumors about him in a public place(a bar), and a fight broke out. He was made because of the rumors and lies the guy was saying.

I can't get negative thoughts out of my head.

I know he loves me, but I can't stop worrying.

I know I hold grudges against people who started rumors about me. So it makes sense. But it's more complicated because his grudge involves his ex's husband.

Do you think he's being honest with me? I know I need to talk to him, but when I do I always wonder if he's hiding something from me? I know, this is not healthy, I just needed to vent!

Also, I wonder why he's been dating me for so long and he hasn't asked me to marry him? He dated these girls less time than me, and he wanted to marry them. Is there something wrong with me, or is he just giving it time b/c of mistakes in the past? I just need your ideas on this, just guess, give your point of view.

(He did say he wants to marry me but we need to finish college first, but how come this wasn't an issue for his ex's?)


03/14/2011 04:33 PM
Posts: 16593
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I think he has grown up and isn't jumping into things anymore. He's probably scared. Every fiancée has cheated on him. That's not a good thing. It's got to have something to do with trust also. It's probably hard for him to trust fully now. I think it's smart to wait until after college. You both are older and you have your lives figured out. You shouldn't rush into things. I wish I hadn't when I was younger. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I'm sure he loves you very much. He does have a grudge and it sounds like a good reason, but eventually he will have to let that grudge go. He'll need to stop thinking about his ex's too. I'm sorry, I'm sure this makes you feel uncomfortable when he brings them up. I hope you two can come to be totally comfortable with each other and have a great life together. Take time and get to know each other well.

03/14/2011 05:41 PM

I've only been engaged once and then I married the woman I was engaged to. However, I had an 18 month engagement. That actually allowed me to get through more college and for her to finish paying off her vehicle. This way we started out debt free.

I hope that things work out for you and your concerns are put to rest.


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