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11/25/2008 08:49 AM

Happy/sad

Yvonne802
Yvonne802  
Posts: 2055
VIP Member

This is very hard to talk about but yet it has a happy ending. Other than immediate family I have told no one about this. I don't know why maybe its not wanting people to look at me differently. Maybe I was ashamed. A year and a half ago I was hospitalized for mania. I was hearing voices, seeing things and all the other things that go with BP1 mania. I was not inpatient by choice. So they have me on a ton of meds such as 1000 mgs of Seroquel daily, Zyprexa, Ativan plus regular meds etc. So you can imagine I am not fully functional. Everytime I go inpatient they give me this test. I don't know what its called but the ask you the date, count backwards from a hundred by 7's and spell wrong backwards. I think the test has like sixteen questions. Don't know why that sticks in my head. Anyway after this test a doctor comes to my husband and I and says I have early dementia which is also called early onset Alzheimers. I was terrified. I was only fifty and was being given a death sentence. Well as time went by we all notice that I didn't seem to have an symptoms of Alzheimers. I was taking Aricept this whole time. Well my pdoc and gp both thought I should be retested. They felt my poor score on the test was related to the mania and the meds. Yesterday I had an in depth retest and guess what. I scored a 100% on it. I don't have any kind of dementia or Alzheimers. I am so happy for this. I have been given my life back.

So I should be happy happy right. Well my world is falling apart. I am cycling throughout the day and it aint pretty. All morning I have been crying. Two of my kids might not make it for Thanksgiving. I am devastated. My son you see walks with a chip on his shoulder. He thinks his dad is mad at him, he isn't. He needs lots of ego boosting as he is the heir apparent and needs to be #1 child. He is 36. Plus he doesn't get his kids this year so I won't be seeing them either way. My daughter lives in Maine and while I suspect she isn't coming she hasn't said as much yet. She has spoken of the incoming bad weather and I know she won't be coming. I am so sad all I do it cry. All I want is my kids and grandkids together for one day of the year.

But all is not lost as soon my mood will change like clock work these past two weeks. My thoughts race no matter what my mood the only reprieve I have is when I am online. When I concentrate they are easier to deal with. Television doesn't work and neither does reading. Everytime I think of my son and daughter I cry. When I feel better I will call her and tell her its ok if she doesn't come, let her off the hook. I know she'd come if it wasn't for all the predicted ice and snow. I love her so much. I will still have three of my daughters and their kids here for Thanksgiving. It will still be an empty table without my daughter and son. I am so sad, crying, lonely and feel out of control can't control my tears at all.

Please help me feel less alone. Comment of anything I have written. Share in my joy and my pain.

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11/25/2008 09:17 AM
jritchie
jritchie  
Posts: 9229
VIP Member

Oh, Yvonne, I know how you feel! Only 2 of my kids will be here for Thanksgiving, and one lives with me. My daughter and Granddaughter live to far away to come home for more than once per year and they have already been here. My son is going to Virginia Tech and his car broke down. We haven't been all together in over 5 years.

It breaks my heart, too. But I understand that it can't happen. My granddaughter's Birthday is tomorrow, too. She will be 9 years old already!

It's sad when we can't all be together, but the days of families living close together (geographically) I think are gone. My oldest son wants to get a job overseas and then I'm afraid I'll see him even less.

((HUGS)) I know we're not the same online, but I sure understand where you're coming from Sad


11/25/2008 09:26 AM
zinnia
zinniaPosts: 3990
VIP Member

hi, jr. yvonne, i know where you're coming from, too. first, i'm so glad you don't have any dementia. what a relief. but when you're rapid cycling and having racing thoughts, it's hard to feel relief, i know. maybe a med adjustment is in order and a call to the pdoc? as far as not being with kids, this year is the worst for me. my whole family went to my brother's out west to be with them and their baby. my boys are going to be with their dad and i'll miss not only thanksgiving with them, but i'll miss my son turning 11. i'm bummed. it sucks. but like you, i won't be alone. i'll be spending the day with boyfriend and his family, but it won't be the same. i'm glad some of your kids are coming. please don't feel alone. we're all here for you.

11/25/2008 09:50 AM
jsrdrnr
jsrdrnr  
Posts: 1928
Senior Member

I am so sorry. I know what it feels like to have your world spiraling out of control. I am not in your shoes and I have not had many of your experiences so I can only give you my ear and say that I understand the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and all that. Hang in there. We will all get through these blasted holidays with the help of each other. I am glad that you are here.

11/25/2008 09:52 AM
Bluejade
Bluejade  
Posts: 123
Member

Yvonne,

This is a knee jerk response. First of all, congratulations about your mind! That is the most important thing without it you would not be caring about the other things anyways. At 50 "senior moments" are normal and psych meds often induce fuzzy thinking too. Glad to hear that you are well.

As far as Thanksgiving goes, it sounds like your kids are grown. Pretty soon they may want their own families to come to their place for Thanksgiving. I find at a certain time you start looking forward to them inviting you to be with them.

As far as the "heir appearant" goes, my brother is the one in my family and my reaction, as he was always the favoured one, is, "What the hell do you want me for then?" Needless to say, my parents and I don't do Thanksgiving, Christmas or anything else together, let them do it with their heir appearant... but on the other hand, they have more or less disowned me all my life because I am a female. You know the saying, what comes around goes around. Maybe that is not how it is in your family, Sorry if I am reading something into your post incorrectly. Just writing as the child of the family that never mattered...


11/25/2008 10:22 AM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

Yvonne.

I am sorry that you will not have all your family together this Thanksgiving . There is nothing wrong with being disappointed . As you say if it were not for the wweather your daughter would have come .

Try to make the best of it as i am sure you will with your hubby that loves you .


11/25/2008 11:01 AM
Yvonne802
Yvonne802  
Posts: 2055
VIP Member

JR, I guess I got myself too built up over the Thanksgiving holiday. Its always been my day ya'know? The kids all stay home with their own families on Christmas but came home to mom at Thanksgiving. I never get to see my oldest daughter anymore. I miss her so much. Well here come the tears again.

11/25/2008 11:10 AM
Yvonne802
Yvonne802  
Posts: 2055
VIP Member

Zinnia, I started risperdal last Monday, 1 mg. I see the pdoc again this coming Monday. I bet he'll up the dosage. I really feel so positive that this med is going to work. Otherwise I would call him today. He does know exactly what is going on. I think all the stress of the holiday is making everything worse. I thought of something I am good at today, crying. I am crying all the time or so it seems. Today I haven't even had a high yet. Probably turning into just depression now. My luck. Sorry to hear about you unlucky holiday. I am grateful for those I do have just miss those who won't be with me. Enjoy your Thanksgiving as best you can. I promise to try to enjoy mine.

Post edited by: Yvonne802, at: 11/25/2008 11:12


11/25/2008 11:18 AM
Yvonne802
Yvonne802  
Posts: 2055
VIP Member

jsrdrnr, You said it exactly right, my world is spiraling out of control. I was so looking forward to Thanksgiving now I feel nothing but dread. I am supposed to cook tomorrow and don't even want to get out of bed. But maybe tomorrow will be a better day. If I can't cook tomorrow then Thanksgiving will be a failure.

11/25/2008 11:29 AM
Yvonne802
Yvonne802  
Posts: 2055
VIP Member

BlueJade, Thanks for you comment on my mind. It has been a real scary year thinking I was going to lose it at any time. And there is no in between my reults were 100% right on. I feel so good about that. I am seeing a pattern with all the stress of the last few weeks and my rapid cycling. Now I have forgotten everything you said. I wish we could see the post we were replying to when we were answering it. Anyway thanks so much for everything. Oh I know you talked about your families own heir apparent. My son thinks he is and I guess partly because he is the only son with four sisters. Now that they get attention he bails out.

I understand about them maybe wanting to do a Thanksgiving of their own but they have always wanted to come home and be all together. I would honestly love to be invited out. But still I am missing my daughter and her four kids. Hey I am not crying. Think I am going back up again. I hope its good, I deserve good.

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