Bipolar Support Group

I'm new here so I'm sorry if I repeat what's been said already. I could really use some advice when it comes to dealing with my bipolar boyfriend.

We've been together for two years and he was very upfront with me from the beginning about his disorder. He told me if I wanted to run, he'd understand. That's the last thing I wanted so I decided to try and educate myself about being bipolar and how to support someone who is going through it.

The first six months were great and then I got my first experience of dealing with this. The first few times this happened I was there just to hold him, let him cry, let him yell..whatever he needed to do. And he wanted me there. He told me I was like his medicine.

Now when he goes through this, he blames everything on me, pushes me away, tells me he doesn't need to be talking to me because I only make it worse. It always goes the same way, he tells me how he's feeling, the next day its my fault, he picks a fight with me, breaks up with me, and then when he feels better he apologizes and promises to never treat me that way again. This happens over and over again. I understand that I can't make him better (for lack of a better word) and I don't try to. I try to be there for him and he tells me I'm the only person who isn't there. When he does finally apologize for the hurtful things he says, he tells me he didn't mean them and he can't control what he does.

I told him once that if he ever breaks up with me again, I'm thru. He hasn't said it since. So he can control what he says, am I wrong? I understand that he cannot control what he is feeling, that he cannot just snap out of it, but how can you not control your mouth? I guess I'm just lost. I am willing to be there for him but if he's just going to keep pushing me away, what more can I do? I love him with all my heart but I feel like if this keeps happening then I can't do this anymore. Any ideas, opinions, anything really?

Hi Johsie, He's a lucky guy to have you in his life. He probably knows that in his gut and realizes it when he isn't feeling unwell. Maybe he pushes you away because he doesn't like himself much and is self destructing. I don't know him so I'm guessing. If he is seeing a psychiatrist and is taking meds he may just need an adjustment to keep those kinds of things from happening. With the right meds he should be able to control what he says to you. I'm sorry you have to go through that kind of thing with him.

Welcome to the group.

Hello there and welcome to MDJ. First of all I am sorry to hear that things have been so rough on the both of you. Is he seeing a psychiatrist that Rx's him some meds to help even out his moods? Sometimes finding the right meds can take a while but well worth the effort. I have what is called 'triggers'. Things that set me off at times. I find keeping a journal of these things helps keep them in mind so I can work on them when they come up and zap me. I also keep my shrink informed about these issues and my failures and successes in the management of them. Then I can get some feed back from her. He may not be far along enough in his management to know about his triggers . Some bipolar people can be very hurtful to the ones around them. Sometimes the illness just throws his moods so far from the norm it is astonishing. He is suffering and his mind is not working right, hence the illness of bipolar disorder. Highs,agitation,rage,anger,irritiability,cannot stand to be in one's own skin or head, feeling of going nuts, lashing out, ad infinitum (Mania). Periods of being 'level' or ok, and then of course the depression that is like no other. Bipolar behavior takes a lot of work and maintainence constantly. There is no cure for it but it can become manageable if one works for it and wants it. It can be quite difficult to be in a relationsip with bipolar disorder. Should you leave or stay? That I guess is up to you and how strong you can be to hold up til he starts getting better. Try not to make any rash decisions on that. He may step up to the plate and start taking responsibility for better management of himself. I pray that he does.

Thank you both for your input. When he's not feeling like this, he is the most amazing man I've ever been with. I'd like to think that in his gut he does want me around, but it's hard to believe sometimes when he says such harsh things.

As for the medications, when we first met he was on two or three different medications. He stopped taking all of them because he said he felt like a zombie when he was taking them. We went through hell while he was off his meds, so he started taking them again but he will only take one (sorry I don't know the names or anything) because he's not into taking medicine and "hurting" his body. I can't convince him otherwise and I don't try to because he only gets mad. I asked him why he doesn't seek counseling and he said he has and they can't tell him anything he doesn't already know. I know sometimes he has a type of workbook or whatever he works on but he doesn't ever make it a steady habit. He is convinced that because there is no real "CURE" that he will have to deal with this the rest of his life and that's just the way he is. Me talking to him doesn't even begin to change his mind on this. I have actually been keeping a journal as a way of venting instead of pile my thoughts on top of what he's already dealing with. But every time I find information that I think could help him, he either says already tried that or that won't work. I don't understand why someone who deals with so much pain wouldn't do anything they could to stop it or at least manage it.

Hi Johsie, Welcome to the group. I am truly sorry that you are dealing with so much right now. It can be extremely difficult to live with someone with Bipolar, sometimes we can't even manage to live with ourselves. When I met my husband I was honest with him and told him that it is very difficult to live with me because of the Bipolar and that he could bail anytime he wanted to, I am so glad he made the decision to stay. I have put him through a lot and he has learned the hard way that I was telling him the truth about how hard it is to live with me. When I am going through really hard times, I do tend to push him away but it's because I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. Maybe that is your boyfriend's thinking. I am on medications now and go to therapy to help manage my illness, but it does not make it go away. I have learned how to recognize problems and episodes before they get out of hand, when I see one coming I immeadiately call my pdoc and he is usually able to adjust my meds to get me through. I hope that your boyfriend will realize that his illness can be managed a little better than it is right now. I wish you the very best of luck!

Thanks again. I don't know why I didn't find a nice support group a long time ago! I appreciate all of the information. I'm doing my best to not overreact and just wait this out so that I can't talk to him in a civil manner. One of my close frieds suggested that maybe we could go talk to a counselor together. Is this even possible? Or rather, even a good idea? I've never talked to anyone like that, so I don't know where to start or if I should even mention the idea to him? I feel like there is no way we are going to be able to get through this alone. I am making myself physically sick trying to deal with this on my own.

Hi Joshie. It sounds like he needs to be taking all of his medications. Since they were making him feel like a zombie, rather than just going off them, he should have told his psychiatrist so they could try something else. Going off medications is a big no no and they can make you act out. Your brain isn't getting what it needs anymore. I'm sorry he is doing this to you right now. Encourage him to return to his psychiatrist and be honest about what he is not taking and to try a different medication. We must stay on medications to become stable. I think this is why he is pushing you away and then saying sorry and pushing you away again. You could definitely go to see a counselor together. I think that would be great. It's couples counseling. If he will go with you that would be wonderful. Getting him back to his psychiatrist is an important thing right now. There are so many medications out there to try. He will find something that won't make him into a zombie. I wish you luck and please let us know how everything goes. We care and want the best for you.

Glad to have you on board Johsie. When my wife and I married, we had no idea that I had bipolar disorder. It's definitely been quite an experience. Somehow my wife is able to distinguish the bipolar from me. I'm still working on that one. Your boyfriend is very fortunate. Bipolar is not easy to live with. I know that I can be a pill at times. It's easy to say the first thing on the mind or tip of the tongue.

Have you thought about getting some support for yourself? A support group may be an excellent outlet and learning place for you and him. I know that MDJ is great!!!! Do you know if there is also anything located within your area? Just some thoughts.

Again, good to have you here; and keep posting.

Well I have asked him before why he doesn't see a psychiatrist and he told me he has and they don't do him any good. They don't understand the illness because they don't have it, so they just drug him up and send him on his way. (a little extreme I know, but I didn't bother arguing because he's pretty set in his ways) He said there is nothing any doctor is going to tell him that he doesn't already know. As far as taking his meds everyday, he knows that he should but he won't because he feels the side effects of the medications are worse than the disorder itself. So that's where he gets the idea that he will just always have to be this way and basically anyone who can't handle it, doesn't care about him anyway. The second time I casually brought it up, I got the same answer and he added that he can't afford it. That he's still paying off medical bills from being hospitalized years ago. So I guess that's where I am stuck. I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, nor do I want to. But I don't have any ideas how to convince him or encourage him to go without him getting mad. Perhaps I will try to go myself, or at least find some information about places in my area.

Johsie, I have a son who has gone through something similar. He is just beginning to get the help he needs after several disasterous times taking meds and alcohol at the same time. Unfortunately, until a person get stable and healthy it is difficult for them to have a relationship. I think there is hope for your boyfriend. It will take time and his willingness to get the treatment he needs. I have to say that even after treatment people are still people. Relationships have dynamics that are not answered by pointing at bipolar disorder for the solution. It could be some of the problem is that he is not ready to settle down.

You might try concentrating on yourself more. Step back. Perhaps get some counseling for yourself. Sometimes we invest ourselves so much in a relationship we lose ourselves. Your needs are important. Take care of yourself first. All else will follow.