Bipolar Support Group

My boyfriend was being supportive over the phone - again. I admitted that sometimes I get this feeling that he's not real, and that I'm talking to myself over a dead line because I've lost my marbles.I almost cried and he told me he was very real, and that he loves me, and I have to stop doubting that.

He cheered me up with some music, and then my other phone rang and a spoke to an old friend ('Friend' is a big word for me that I don't use very often, so that's a big deal). He waited patiently on the other phone while I talked to her- we often do these things, as if we are sharing the same space, even though we are hundreds of miles away from each other. Then he and I talked again, and he said good night.

Why does he put up with me? Sometimes I wonder. He says he's crazy too (which is actually true to some extent) and that he loves me, and that I stick by him. But I keep feeling like I don't deserve his care at times and I try to push him away. He says he's noticed I've been getting better, though.

I feel so humbled by this, and it makes me hate my illness even more.

I also told my friend tonight that things have been bad for a long time. She suspected as much, but knew I needed to go through it. It makes me wonder how many of us are thinking that we are hiding our wounds when others have already figured out that we are ill? Would it make the shme easier to bear if we could know that we are cared for, even when we are too sick to appreciate it? Hmm.

Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to my job interview tomorrow (trying not to feel fearful) and watching the snow fall.

Your boyfriend loves you very much and how blessed you are for it. Do you deserve it? I think so. Why wouldn't you? He obviously thinks you deserve it and so does your friend who also loves and cares about you. Yes, what a difference it could make if we knew just how much we are loved just as we are. I hope knowing how much you are loved will lift the shame off your shoulders and cast it away because it really has no place in your life. Bipolar is not something you chose, it isn't something you can control on your own. You show responsibility by getting help and taking your medications. There really is no reason to feel shame over it. Just let him love you. You really do deserve it.

Good luck with your job interview. I hope you land it.

Post edited by: uppitywoman, at: 01/26/2011 07:18 PM

He puts up with you because he loves you. People are allowed to love us. LOL. You deserve his care, please don't push him away. It probably really hurts his feelings when you push him away. You wouldn't want to do that would you? That's great that he's noticed you getting better. I'm very proud of you. I think that close friends and family figure things out about our feelings and they worry about us just like your friend. I don't think it would make the shame easier, but know that you are cared for because you are cared for by many people. You should appreciate it if you can. Good luck on the job interview. I know you will do awesome!

It is good you have someone that cares. It is hard to feel it, sometimes you know people probably care but I guess if I am not in a lovable place I don't feel loved.

I ended up pushing my son away, asked him to move out since he was having a hard time dealing with my bipolar, I just didn't want to hurt him.

I wish he had moved sooner but now I am hustling to be there for him in a way I can be. I have worked on making meeting times. Have a one on one meeting in a safe place for him to let him know I hear him and hug him. Yelling or pushing or ignoring him will only make both of us shut down more. I only agree to meet at times when he does not feel like he is being disloyal to the family member that took him in. As painful as it is at times I just keep reaching out with love.

I relate to your feelings completely. Please take heart. Remember, you would do it for him, right? Let him love you. Love is a very cool thing.

I always feel like I am a burden to my poor husband when he sees me go through my dark times. But he said to me "Jennifer, I knew you were crazy before I married you!" hahahah

You may want to do some nice little thing for him when you are feeling good like cook him a nice dinner? That may make you feel better...

I agree with everyone.

You deserve to be loved and taken care of. It's hard to accept, like sam said: "I guess if I am not in a lovable place I don't feel loved."

You're very lucky to have someone that accepts you as you are and is there for you. He loves you very much and wants to be part of your support team- it's too hard for us to manage by ourselves. We need our drs, therapists, friends, family and significant others.

I am in a similar boat with my bf. With the help & support of my medical team & my bf I've learned to accept that I do deserve to be loved. Just because I have BP2 and BPD doesn't matter- I'm still a living, breathing person.

It might take time, but I have confidence you can get to a point where you feel like you deserve him. Because you do.

Post edited by: notmyillness, at: 01/27/2011 07:49 AM

This is a very nice discussion. I'm glad to find people that feels the same way I do. Not to kill it for the person that asked this question but can I ask all of you guys a question? Ever since then I've had troubles with ny relationships because of my mood swings like one mobitel I love them and the next I hate them. I break up with them and make them cry over and over and then one day they'll get tired of it and leave me but my current boyfriend has been dealing with it for nearly 3 years. I often feel like I'm not worth of his love and I doubt his love thinking its all fake and fight with him make him cry and break up with him which has always make him devastated and depressed. but in the end he'd still bed me to come back and beg me to stay with him and we make our relationship work because I make him happy and that's all he wants. Sometimes id cry cause I feel lucky that I have someone like him but sometimes id be so mad at him and just start telling him mean things to make him cry and the next minute I hate myself for it. He's called me bipolar before and I really do think I am bipolar. I can't control what comes out of my mouth even though I know its not right and its very mean. Without me knowing it already came out of my mouth and it really hurts people around me specially my boyfriend. Do you guys think I am bipolar nd I should consult the doctors? Your opinions will rest be appreciated. and not to mention I really want to know because my relationship with my bf is crazy and I know its because of me and I would really like to fix it. And whenever I try to be nice, it gets even worse. I do it over and.over knowing its really gonna hurt people and I feel like its beyond of my control. :'(

Well lostmonster, you may be bipolar. It certainly wouldn't hurt to consult a doc, but i would a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist at least at first. You may find you need both. But the psychologist can not prescribe meds.

The thing is I don't have money for that. Is there any way to diagnose of a person is bipolar or not without having to go to the doctors? :/

lostmonster,

The short answer is no, there is no way around it. You need to see a board certified psychiatrist (or psychologist) to be evaluated for bipolar disorder.

May I suggest that you start a discussion of your own to address your questions. This way you won't, as you put it, "kill it for the person that asked this question [above]."