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01/23/2011 03:23 AM

how I'm SUPPOSED to feel..

bpjourney
bpjourney  
Posts: 484
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My 8 year old daughter hit me with a ton of questions. Well she always does. She's a smart one that kid!! This time though, all of her questions were about past & future very hard & very SAD and difficult subjects!!! This hypomanic phase I'm still in, keeps me from really feeling pain or sadness of bad or difficult subjects even though I can see that I "should". It's a very strange feeling.

She first hit me with the future. With my recent surgery, I had to have a metal plate put in my neck. Recovery has been and will continue to be hard for some time to come. This year we were teaching the kids how to snowboard. Obviously, I could not join them. She asked me if I could next year. I had to tell her this is something Mommy will never be able to do for the rest of my life. She went on to ask me about all kinds of things. What about taking us tubing (innertubes down snow hills), roller coasters, water skiing, etc. No to all of it. These are all things I will never be able to do again. It's never good enough for her to just have that answer...she needs to understand "why", so I had to explain to her what could happen to the metal plate in my neck and what the consequences of that could be. She was so sad to know that I could never do these things with her again, especially the roller-coasters! I was the one on those big coasters with her last summer and we had a blast!!! I'm just glad I got to experience that with my kids... at least for one summer. Except my youngest. I'll never have that with her.

Then there is today. Today is a sad day in our home. I'm not sure how to deal with this, because I know that I should be "feeling" more than I am. I know that this day should feel different to me, as it always does each year, but this year... I'm in this phase and the emotions just aren't coming. 7 years ago I had a 5th child, my 4th daughter. I won't get into details, but she is our guardian angle now and it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. Her funeral was a nightmare & I remember every single moment like it was yesterday. The black hole I was in for months after that was unreal. At the time, my youngest was not born yet & I had 3 children to care for, yet I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. When my 8yr old asked me about today and asked me if I was sad... I said, of course I was. She asked me if I missed her and I said, yes I always will. But here I sit at this moment simply not feeling the emotions of it all and it's just so bizarre to me! Of course with everything going on with my husband right now, I would not have him to lean on today, so maybe that's a true blessing. I don't really see it that way though. I kind of want to feel it. I'm ok with it all now and I have an acceptance of all that happened, but it's like I feel I'm disrespecting her and her memory.

There is just so much right now, today, for me to not necessarily sink into a depression over, but to be "sad" about... to feel the emotions of... and I just don't. Hypo-mania just kind of makes me ambivalent and numb to sadness, even though I can see the logic or need for it in my life. It's just strange to know how I'm supposed to feel and simply not be able to. I had to just type it all out and tell someone about all of this. I really don't have anyone to share it all with today.

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01/23/2011 03:38 AM
Dit
Dit  
Posts: 13727
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I'm glad you've shared it here with us today. So sorry to hear about the loss of your child, i've not experienced this but this must have been devastating, you are still grieving. If I were you try to just 'accept' how you are feeling, i relate being hypomanic and not being able to 'feel' properly, i'm like that now too. You sound like an awesome mother and its great that you are so honest with your daughter. You've explailned yourself very well. Hang in there we are here for you keep positng, much hugs Dit.

01/23/2011 05:22 AM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
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First of all, I am very sorry for the loss of your child. It's something no parent should have to experience and I cannot imagine what you have gone through even if today you don't seem to be feeling emotional about it. You are not disrespecting her at all. Grief comes in waves and you will be emotional at times and not at others even when the anniversary comes around. That has been my experience with my father. Do not feel bad about it. You have no control over hypo-mania and how it affects you. You are a loving mother and are just in a state where it's difficult right now to express it. Your lack of emotional response does not change who you are and the fact that you still love and miss her terribly. The hypo-mania will pass and at other times, something will trigger an emotional response because that is how grief works. You really are okay.

01/23/2011 06:55 AM
snickerflix
snickerflix  
Posts: 309
Member

bpjourney, grief is a strange thing. Some people really don't feel anything initially, they go through the motions of living but are in somewhat of a daze. Don't worry about not feeling it, it'll hit you soon enough. It'll be a good idea to keep your pdoc phone number handy for when that happens. I'm so sorry to hear about you losing your child, I've never had to endure that, but can imagine it would be very difficult to say the least. Just keep breathing in and out, that's all you can do right now. (((bpjourney)))

01/23/2011 07:00 AM
ZadieBlue
ZadieBluePosts: 4547
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Again, I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine going through something like that.

Grief takes on many forms, whether or not you are hypomanic. Even though you don't feel you're grieving properly, you are offering support to your children and you are showing them that there is no one way to grieve. Do you think the fight / flight response is playing a role here, that maybe your brain has chosen "flight"? If so, this is totally normal. Sometimes our brains shield us from things. Maybe due to the hypomania, etc. you will experience a new kind of grieving, something that is more gentle and spread out rather than concentrated into a single, horrible day / weekend / etc.?

I don't believe anyone's supposed to feel or grieve in a certain way; maybe this is happening for a reason, maybe?

I hope you feel better soon. Again, I can't imagine being in such a situation, I feel for you.

Z


01/23/2011 08:04 AM
ApRiLGeTsAngry77

I have borderline personality disorder and I have went through some DBT therapy for it. What I have learned is that feelings and emotions are never right and wrong. They just are. Whatever you are feeling or not feeling is ok. Just work on acknowledging the loss and accepting what is.

I am sorry you had to tell your daughter you can't do those things with her but maybe you could remind her of all the things you can do with her.

So in conclusion, don't worry about how you are suppose to feel ,just acknowledge what you feel and remain positive. (((hugs))))


01/23/2011 01:47 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
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I'm an Advocate

This is a sad day for you and you aren't feeling it like you have in the past because of the hypo-mania. It's okay. You grieve in many different ways. It doesn't mean that you are not respecting her because you are. I'm so very sorry you lost her. I can only imagine what that feels like and no one should have to go through that. This could be a way to shield you from your pain also, the mind works in strange ways. I'm sorry about you having to tell your daughter all of what you cannot do with her. Try to remind her of all that you can do like April said. Try to not dwell on what you are feeling now. It's okay and you do grieve, it's just a little different this year. (((bpjourney)))

01/23/2011 01:52 PM
bpjourney
bpjourney  
Posts: 484
Member

Thank you so much everyone! Smile It's certainly been a "different" kind of day to say the least. I will tell you all that even when stable... I'm really ok with my grief. I've worked my way through it and come out on the other side. It's a part of me now and I know that that's ok. Took a while, but I got there. I always "feel" it a bit more today of course, but not feeling it in that way on her birthday is just kind of foreign to me.

April... I'm taking your advice to heart. I guess for us, being Bipolar, the way we feel at any given time is something that we just don't always have control over. Having an acceptance that it's just more of who I am is just another part of this process I guess.

I am going to sit with my daughter and talk to her about all the things that we "CAN" do together and just focus on that.

Thank you! Smile

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