Bipolar Support Group

Hi everyone:

I introduced myself a couple of weeks ago, but haven't posted since. I've been reading and reading different posts every day and it really helps me understand what it is like to live with bipolar disorder. I really appreciate the honesty and openness of everyone; it helps me feel less alone and definitely less like I'm crazy or stupid. Many times, when someone writes something and then says that they feel silly for writing it, it happens to be something that I can really relate to and take comfort from. So thanks for writing, even when it seems silly.

I dated a guy who has bipolar last summer--for about five months. We became very close. He told me he loved me every day at least once, but he would often say that he felt I was too good for him, that he didn't deserve me, that he neded to punish himself--for what, I'm not sure. He tried to kill himself in July and then stopped going to his therapist, saying that he was punishing himself. Then he started forgetting to take his meds off and on. On his 50th birthday, Sept 20, I got the flu. He brought soup to me that morning and said he would come back later after he had lunch with his son. He told me I was beautiful and that he loved me and thought about me all the time. Then he left and that was the last time I saw him. He called later and said he was really tired and needed to sleep, that he would come over the next morning. His "friends" took him out drinking that night and the next morning he didn't call. I spoke with him on the phone that afternoon and he sounded more depressed than I had ever heard him sound before. That was the last time I spoke with him. He sent an email a week later saying that I was a negative influence in his life and accusing me of saying and thinking things I didn't say or do. This was weird, because most of the time I am a very up beat and cheerful person and we used to have so much fun together. He ended it by saying that we were imcompatible and that he hoped we could both move on and find someone more compatible. I didn't respond to that email, since most of it was not true. It was his feelings and his view of things, but not how things really were. I didn't think he would understand if I replied and tried to refute his points, because I had done so once before and it hadn't really made sense to him. Anyway, since that email, he has replied to me once, briefly, about a month ago now, and signed it "love," and his full name, which he definitely wouldn't do if he didn't still love me. After that he forwarded me one email: a joke that we used to tease each other about and laugh.

Since his birthday, I have studied bipolar like crazy and I understand the misunderstandings that happened between us over the summer; mostly things I said or did out of ignorance that made him feel very insecure. It is really hard to realize my mistakes now and not be able to talk to him about it and have a second chance to be more supportive. He told me many times that he would like to get stable, put a plan together for remembering his meds, going to therapy, recognizing triggers, etc. He asked me to help him do it, but I didn't know how to help him then...another thing I feel so bad about. I know it isn't my fault he is depressed--or whatever he is right now--but I just wish I had understood then what I understand now about bp. I don't know anyone who can tell me more than the fact that they have seen him at work once a week or so. At least I know he is alive....

There is something coming up soon and I'm not sure what to do. November 15th is the anniversary of the day he survived his first suicide attempt at 18 years old. Counting July, he has made three attempts, but the first one was really severe...I can't imagine anyone surviving what he did.... Anyway, he celebrates that day. It is more important to him than his birthday. He even mentioned it in the email I got from him a month ago, and he didn't write much in that message. That is the message he signed "love." I'm pretty sure he wants me to remember that anniversary. My dilemma comes from the fact that he doesn't seem to want any contact with me, either. I have emailed him once a week since then, very short, light-hearted messages, either cute forwards, or just a note saying that I am still here if he needs anything, but he hasn't replied.

Now I'm afraid people will think I'm silly or stupid...or worse. It's really hard to write this for some reason...I want to give him a card; I can mail it to him, that's not a problem. I would also like to do something more than that. I would like to give him a blanket I crocheted. HE admired it once and said that he wished someone would make him a blanket like that. I have been ridiculed for even thinking of giving it to him. I have no problem parting with it, though...I would love for him to have it. But I don't know how to get it to him, or whether I should even do something like that for him right now. I don't know if he is manic or depressed or has another girlfriend.... I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want me showing up at his house unannounced, although it's hard to know what he wants when he's not contacting me. I could mail the blanket to him, or have someone else drop it by his house....or not give it to him at all...I just don't know.

A bipolar specialist counselor suggested that I write him a letter explaining that I understand bipolar much better now and that I would like to be a part of his life again and give it to him on his anniversary. She thinks he would be more receptive to that sort of thing when it gets closer to that day. I can't compose the letter. I have tried so many times and it just gets too long and sounds too unnatural...and I'm a writer.... Writing the letter just doesn't feel right, and yet it seems like it should feel right--does that make sense? I'm not sure what to do, if anything. I don't want to push him further away from me. But if he feels unworthy, I also want him to know that I'm still here and that I love him. I feel crazy writing this. No one around me even comes close to understanding bp. Does anyone have any thoughts, ideas, suggestions? I understand I shouldn't let his behavior drag me down and I'm focusing on my life and the things that are important to me. I just want to do something to let him know that I remember his anniversary and I don't know what to do--a card? the blanket? should I send flowers? try to write the letter? or would nothing be best? It would be hard to do nothing....

Sorry this is so long. I hope it makes a little sense. I've been feeling so frustrated for so long and no one really understands me regarding this relationship. Thanks for reading, and for any help/support you can give.

The best advice I can give you is to follow your heart and do what you feel you need to do. If youfeel like a card, do the card if you feel you need to do more then do it. Don't let other people make the choice for you. It is your life and you need to do what you feel is right for you so you can move on and be upbeat and happy.

I would agree with Amanda...do what you think is right. Follow your heart and be confidant in the knowledge that you did the best you could.

Hi Deanne. Like Amanda said, this has got to be your decision. Being bipolar myself, and telling you the way I would feel if I were him, is as close as I can come with help for you. You know him, dear, and remember this is only me. If you did anything, card, letter, email, blanket, I would be beyond angry. To me it would be yet another way you have shown disrespect for my wishes. Not answering your weekly emails, is telling you something, and it is not that he wants to keep you in his life at this point. You have a duty to yourself, to make you, happy and healthy. Did you say that you are seeing a therapist? If not, please think about doing just that and try to figure out why you are so drawn to this kind of relationship. I hope you find happiness in whatever happens

i agree with most of the above but especially with glory. a woman who i saw very briefly a year ago despite being clearly told bye bye continued e-mailing, phoning, sending cards. anger doesn't describe how i felt.

that said i think a letter explaining your thoughts and feelings that clearly states that you would welcome anything from him but he's not obligated. no pressure for him to respond. avoid asking ?s that make him feel he needs to respond.

these are my thoughts for what they're worth.

deanne, I will have to agree with Glory here, you've shown that you care, and that you are willing to be there for him, I would just let it stay at that, should the time come that he wants to have you in his life again, he knows where you are at, and how to get in contact with you, the best thing you can do for him right now, is to take care of you, when he is ready to seek help and to have you in his life again, he will make the first step.

Terry and Gloria...gave the best advice, sweetie. Especially Terry...I have bipolar and so does my son. When we give an indication that we have moved on or are ending a relationship, it really irritates us to have the person pushing the issue to continue.

For whatever reason that he ended the relationship, it sounds like he is finished with it. I wouldn't contact him at all. Use the blanket for yourself...or give it to a nursing home for someone who doesn't have any family.

Move on sweetie...sounds like this one is over...develop other social contacts...hugs to you hope it gets better.

My girl has pushed me away like that before, now granted, there has been no suicide attempts from her. I am one of those pushing people, and yes it has pissed her off, and yes she has broken it off with me, many times, including just this week. You are doing good leaving him alone, but what I have noticed is that she eventually breaks down, sometimes by me pushing. It is the only way I have gotten her to talk to me. I know not the best way. and me being a guy pushing to a girl is different then a girl pushing to a guy. He may get extremely annoyed and pull himself further away. But as with everyone else, this is and has to be your decision. Your circumstances are in no way like mine, but i thought i would share my experience.

Hi everyone:

Thanks for your responses to my post last night. I appreciate your honesty. Yes, I am seeing acounselor. But I can tell you right now that I was drawn to my b/f because he is respectful, fun, loving, tender, generous, gracious, intelligent, and talented. Because we have the same love for literature and writing; because we were equally comfortable at the mall, or cuddling on a bench by the lake, or relaxing together with a good movie or TV show; just as content having dinner at the taco shop down the street as at a nice restaurant...and more often than not, he made dinner because he loves to cook, too, jus like me. He is an amazing person with a good heart and we have many things in common. His only downfall is his insecurity that keeps telling him that he doesn't deserve me, so he interpreted so many insignificant things as rejection.

So this amazing guy loves me with all his heart one day, and the nex he decides he doesn't want to talk to me or see me anymore...and he happens to be skipping his meds and therapy appointments. I don't believe he stopped loving me overnight. I think maybe his life got too overwhelming for him to handle and I was the only thing he could "get rid of," so to speak.. Everything else--his 50th birthday, his son's eighteenth birthday, (with all the fears about his son rejecting him), his failing eyesight, his two new employees with all their paperwork and need for training, his dying father and the subsequent tension among his siblings, his attempt to quit smoking...I could go on--all of these were things he couldn't really get out of his life. I know I would feel stressed and depressed under that sort of pressure and I don't have bipolar disorder.

So that's why I'm drawn to him...he's an amazing person, going through hell right now, I love him, and I am powerless to help. Here is one day, the anniversary of his first suicide attempt, that means so much to him and I would like to acknowledge it. My dilemma lies in the fact that I DO NOT want to pressure him...otherwise it wouldn't matter what I do. I understand about moving on and focusing on happy things and my own life. I have a very full life of my own. But it would be nice to have closure, or reconnect, or something. That's just me. I don't intent to pressure him. When he pulled away from me several times for three or four days over the summer, I didn't call. I emailed him maybe once every three days. I'm not normally one to chase after a guy or cling to him. I hate that sort of relationship.

Thanks again, everyone, for reading my post and for your honesty.

Awww...honey...it sounds like you guys had a nice time together. I sure wish for you it would have worked out. Who knows what the future holds??? Just hate to see you waiting and hoping for something that might not happen for you. Seems like you are in limbo and are drifting between it being over or hoping it will continue. I am with you, about liking to either have closure or a connection...black and white...no in between.

remember you are not alone, honey. we are here for you.