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11/07/2010 05:49 PM

cant get out of the vicious cycle

stsj
stsj  
Posts: 310
Member

i was stable for about 3 days, in the past 6 weeks. today it was like i woke up a different person, my smile turned into a devils grin. went from being a happy momma, loving life and everything around me, i was posotive, and loving, and happy, and cheeful. today im the bitch from hell, i hate everything, and everyone. espically my bf. i want to be "me" so bad.i fucking hate this disease. fucking. hate. IT. and IT is getting worse everytime it comes back. i was tryin to be sweet today with my bf when we are out for dinner, and i asked " what made you fall in love with me?" and his response was: " when you WERE nice" .. i instatly starting crying there at the resturaunt. I honeslty dont see myself as THAT mean, i see myself as someone who is " very caring but just bitches about things" it makes me quite ashamed to know that my bf hates the way i am. why does he even stay with me? is it because he has no where else to go? i feel like he is just putting up with me because i take care of him and literally everything else. im so sick of fighting. im so sick of crying. im so sick of having this hateful outlook on the world. i wish i could love life. i do love life, but everything i mean EVERYTHING pisses me off. why why why why? did I have to get this fucking dumb ass awful disease???? im so frustrated. medication is not an option because im breastfeeding, and to me, my son's nutrition and health is more important than mine. i would feeel extremely guilty and heartbroken if i had to give it up. i cant do therapy anymore because ther is just no one to watch my kids. no one understands, they think im making excuses to not go to therapy, i really wish i could go. and my bf, who is so sick of living with me like this doesnt want to put one minute of effort into learing about my disease, or help me at all to become stable. im on my own here and i am lost. *sigh* whats a girl to do?
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11/07/2010 06:03 PM
lovespeonies
lovespeonies  
Posts: 4167
VIP Member

I can relate to you so much. I was diagnosed(properly) after the birth of my twins. I know what it's like to feel like someone else and feel so frustrated by it. I also went unmedicated when my girls were infants. It is very hard to feel so alone with this disorder and not be able to be stablized by meds or therapy. I still have an issue with child care and my little ones are preschool age. I have a husband that still to this day hasn't read a word about bipolar disorder.

11/07/2010 07:14 PM
nembery
nembery  
Posts: 511
Member

all i can say is i feel your pain. my husband doesn't care to know how i'm feeling either. he just thinks i'm a bitch. i'm sure it has to get better some day...so many people on here lead productive lives. in the mean time the less fortunate of us just have to wait and hang in there i guess.

11/07/2010 07:32 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16597
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Dealing with some good days and now bad days can be devastating and it sounds to me like it's doing that to you right now. It's so hard without medications. I really do feel for you. I totally understand the need for your son's nutrition that you are feeling right now. It's just so very hard to deal with with no medications at all. I'm sorry that you and your boyfriend are having a hard time. I wish he would pick up a book and read about this illness and learn to support you rather than have you take care of him all of the time. You need a strong support group behind you. I think it's awful that they think you are making excuses to get out of therapy. Why don't they watch your kids for you while you do go to therapy? Just know that you are not alone. We are here for you. I know we can't help you in your day to day real life, but we can support you and talk to you . If you need someone to talk to you can message me anytime you like. I'm all ears. I hope you get some relief soon.

11/08/2010 12:09 AM
ApRiLGeTsAngry77

Being without medications is very difficult. I am sorry you are not in a position to be on medications but just remember it is not forever. Being unmedicated can cause huge mood swings and you can hate everything. I know because I have felt tht way. But in all reality you are in control of your actions. I know you can not go to threapy now but I posted a DBT online classes thread in the tips section. There you can learn how to cope with your emotions. Remember we are always responisbile for our actions. Keep on being the wonderful mother you are and maybe tell your bf that you are working on coping skills to deal with your aggitation. ALso inform him of your triggers and how he can help you. I wish you the best and check out that thread. Peace

11/08/2010 02:09 AM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42707
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I lived without meds while I was pregnant and nursing. There was no way I was going to pass on drugs to my son. I was, however, only misdiagnosed as depressed and much of it was attributed to postpartum depression. So I didn't take the antidepressant I was given. I was up and down, too, but I am fortunate to have a husband who gets it and was a support for me. Try to give your bf easy quick materials to read about BP, like Bipolar for Dummies, or print off material from the internet that talks about the basics of BP and symptoms that are difficult to handle when untreated. This link to the National Institutes of Health is a good place for information:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar- disorder-easy-to-read/index.shtml

Maybe after reading he will understand better and be more supportive of you. Is there a reason why he could not watch the children while you attend therapy? If nothing else, some churches offer mother's day out one day a week for a few hours and maybe there is one nearby who would watch your children while you went to see a therapist. It's worth checking out.


11/08/2010 08:02 AM
stsj
stsj  
Posts: 310
Member

thanks for all the support ladies. my bf works allllllll day and night, he is waiter that work double shifts everyday. i jsut cant wait till i can wean the baby and get on soem meds... which i dont even knw what to take because ive never had any luck with anything.. or really gave anything a good try.. serequel just made me really fat, its like i got the munchies when i took it.. lamictal gave me migraines.. lithium.. i dont know why i stopped taking that. but anyways. today i feel a bit better, prob because my bf is not home. Sad
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