Bipolar Support Group

I've been a mess for the past several months. Lately, my moods change multiple times per day (every 1-3 hours). I am extremely irritable, I can't concentrate, I'm having trouble spelling, writing, speaking. Last night I finally sucked it up and made dinner - nothing major, but for a few minutes, we had an enjoyable meal. I started thinking to myself "hey, I feel pretty good right now", and in that instant, the tears welled up and I was sobbing uncontrollably at the table. I have no idea why. The thought of happiness was just too much.

I'm either so low it's like I am completely without feeling, or so angry I have to scream into my pillow and hit my head repeatedly to stop from boiling over. I don't want to leave the house and I am unable to work. For the first time, I started hearing voices/music in my head a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't heard it since. My head has been unusually quiet - the constant chatter of inner dialogue is gone.

Sleeping is sometimes terrifying. For weeks I have been dreaming constantly. I sleep 10-12 hours a night, but I wake up feeling exhausted. I'll wake up in the middle of the night several times and either I'll have been dreaming or thinking terribly hard about something. Sometimes I wake up confused and I have no idea who or where I am. Last night I had another episode of sleep paralysis. I "heard" a loud crash that woke me up and I couldn't move. I started screaming for my husband, but only a faint whisper came out. I was finally able to drag myself from the sofa to the bed, but I was too scared to go back to sleep for quite some time. I had a vivid dream about being surrounded by tornadoes until one (in my dream my husband had referred to it as "the big one") finally crashed through the house I was in and we had to run to the basement for safety. Symbolic, isn't it?

I haven't been diagnosed yet. I'm not on any psychiatric meds. Tomorrow I have a consultation with a psychiatrist. I am expecting so much from this appointment tomorrow - but I know that it's probably just an information session and won't help right away. I need this to be over so badly so I can stabilize and go back to work. I used to be able to work with the mood swings, but 10 times a day is unmanageable. Sleep used to be my way of escape, but even that's been taken away from me now.

I am so sorry that you have been having such a hard time. I can really relate to a lot of what you hae said. Tomorrow, just be honest and explain everything. I hope it goes well for you and you find some relief. Let us know how it goes.

You are having a rough time of this. I'm sorry all of this is happening to you. At least you have a consultation with a psychiatrist tomorrow. You are getting the ball rolling. That is a start and you never know, he could give you a diagnosis. These things are scaring you and it's not good. Fear shouldn't be happening. I would be scared too if I was experiencing the things that you are. Hang in there it will get better. Please keep us updated on what the psychiatrist says. I worry about you and would like to see you much better than you are.

I hope this is not too late but it may help to track your mood swings each day so you can show your new doctor. It sounds like you could be rapid cycling but since you are not diagnosed, it could be something else besides bipolar. With Borderline personality disorder you have multiple mood swings but it is usually triggered by something in your enviornment. Be sure to explain all your symptoms when you go and make a list of questions you want to ask. Most pdocs will not make a diagnosis on the first visit so it is likely you may not be diagnosed tomorrow but could be started on meds. The most important thing is to treat your symptoms. Hang in there and let us know what happens at the docs office.

Thanks for the support - it means a lot!

I was diagnosed as Bipolar I and was prescribed Lithium. Unfortunately, I don't think she is very experienced with manic depression and the appointment didn't go well at all. She didn't seem to know much about rapid cycling or mixed episodes. Also, I had to wait a month to get in and now I have to wait 2 months for my next appt. since the clinic is so backed up. I was hoping to at least get a referral for a therapist, but she couldn't even give me a name, or any guidance on how to find one. This sucks - I went to one of the best hospitals in the country to ensure that I got the best treatment possible, but I probably could have done better by picking a name out of the yellow pages.

So now I am back to square one and need to find a therapist and a new psychiatrist. I feel very alone in fighting this.

wow! before i became manic the last time, i had like 10 horrible nightmares about tornados. they are so scary! I feel for you. i was told that tornados signify a feeling a lack of control or uncertainty

Post edited by: greenskyz, at: 10/29/2010 03:05 AM

I could have written that original post almost word for word and even though I am started on meds I still feel much the same. I know it will take a while for the meds to take hold, especially since I need to have my dosage ramped up over time.

Cereal, WELCOME to the group, I haven't seen you here before although it shows you have 13 posts. Let me just tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, most of us can relate to what you are going through. I was diagnosed Bipolar I extreme rapid cycling w/ psychotic effects in 2001 and still struggle with ups, downs, and mixed states on a daily basis. The meds do take a while to start working, but it's very important to have a good psychiatrist and therapist too. If you have insurance, I would suggest calling them and asking for several names of psychiatrists and therapists in your area and then interview these people to see how you feel with them. They could be the best docs in the world, but if you are not comfortable with them they are not the right one for you. Best of luck!